Worst: Fandango’s Finally Debuting, And It’s on SMACKDOWN?
You’re kidding me. I sat through 50 Fandango commercials on Raw, sometimes two at a time, and now you’re gonna debut him on SMACKDOWN? Great, now I’m going to have to start reviewing Smackdown. For everyone who asks me to do a Best and Worst of Smackdown, here’s every imaginable report:
Best: Fandango, probably
Worst: The canned crowd noise, where they go AOOHHHHHHHH for Tamina Snuka headbutts like they’re watching El Generico top rope brainbuster somebody at the end of a 30 minute match. That noise is the worst. You could add canned crowd noise to the best matches of all time and I wouldn’t be able to sit through them. That’s the peril of attending so many live shows, I think … you get attached to the ebb and flow of how an actual wrestling crowd reacts.
Worst: 120 minutes of Smackdown being 40 minutes of commercials, 70 minutes of Raw recaps and 10 minutes of Great Khali dancing with Hornswoggle. That is seriously how I see Smackdown in my head.
… and that’s it. It’d be even worse if I tried to do Best and Worsts of Impact. One week I’m going to switch columns with Danielle Matheson. Here’s a preview:
Best: Joseph Park
Worst: every second Joseph Park isn’t on screen my brain is doing that thing that happens when you hold the gas for too long in Excitebike until you crash end-over-end and slide off the track.
Best: Mark Henry, Effortlessly Splitting This Guy’s Wig Again
Mark Henry is f**king awesome.
Worst: Okay, Sorry, Here’s The Longer Version Of That
As good as Mark Henry is, I don’t know what they’re doing with him. Do THEY know what they’re doing with him? He came back strong, got booked into the Elimination Chamber and destroyed EVERYBODY. Three top WWE Superstars had to team up to keep him down for a three count, and everyone else had to team up to beg him to leave without claiming their lives. It was awesome. Then, on Raw, he rolled out of the ring to avoid a confrontation with The Great Khali. Now he’s just trouncing Khali in a minute, as expected.
So what’s going on? I know the WrestleMania card is filling up quickly and the average WWE fan’s idea of how the main-event should go does not necessarily sparkle with my idea of having Henry squash Rock and Cena with a double World’s Strongest Slam, but there’s got to be something more for him to do than lift a guy whose lifting is technically impressive, but happens all the time.
Are we doing the “freak of nature” match at Mania? Khali, Mark Henry and Big Show, with Ryback thrown in to pick them up and throw them all around? Because if we’re doing that, we need to do something besides have Khali pretend he can dodge quick attacks for 60 seconds every Monday. He doesn’t even have his farting lady/man-child posse anymore. Poor guy.
Best: MizTV Works If Miz Doesn’t Talk Or Do Anything
I’m not sure whether or not I liked this MizTV segment yet, but I did like that The Miz made a small attempt to let people talk and say what they came on the show to say instead of immediately berating them with his Miz thing and devolving it into a “gay jokes and couch-throws” affair like usual.
Zeb Colter is an interesting character, but as good as he is at what he does, it still doesn’t seem to connect to Swagger like it should. Like, Swagger stands in the background of the Don’t Tread On Me videos and occasionally relates what they’re talking about to his personal life or whatever, but unless I’ve missed it, there’s never been a reason explained as to why a guy dedicated to educating the masses about illegal immigrants would choose “standing outside the ring during this one guy’s wrestling matches” as his platform. His biggest beef so far seems to be against Alberto Del Rio, a Mexican guy from Mexico, and even THAT features Zeb insulting people who aren’t Alberto Del Rio. So how does this work, exactly?
It feels weird that the super heels are only acting like heels when they’re directly disrespected (like when Zeb came out to confront Miz for being a bad journalist … and he was totally in the right, because Miz is a terrible, biased a-hole), and that the good guy is only involved because of contractual obligation. Oh, and
Worst: Alberto Del Rio, America’s Biggest Fan
did it seem weird to anybody else that Alberto Del Rio, a man born into a wealthy Mexican family, grew up in the world of lucha libre, came to the United States with an overblown sense of entitlement and a MAN-SERVANT is now proclaiming the USA as the “greatest country in the world,” and is representative of the American dream?
I love babyface Alberto Del Rio and am not about to turn against him in favor of the most overtly yokel dudes on the show, but damn, that’s the most false thing they’ve done with a babyface since [anything the Miz has said or done as a babyface]. Del Rio The Character has a plantation in Mexico, right? I feel like there’s probably a way for him to say YOU’RE WRONG, RACIST GUYS without having to more or less sell out his own country. Mexico can also be the greatest country in the world if you love it and are from there and you lived there until like, three years ago.
WORST: F**k Randy Orton And His Ongoing War Against The Secondary Champions
STOP DOING THIS