The banner GIF image has absolutely nothing to do with the title of this post or sports in general, obviously, but since I couldn’t lift a cheek today without hearing someone complain about the Academy Awards or The Onion or Seth MacFarlane or IKEA or basically everything else on this planet, I thought I’d join in on the Internet’s general Jennifer Lawrence worship.
She seems pretty cool, and she’s obviously a free-wheeling, don’t-answer-to-nobody type. People have also told me that she’s attractive, not that I’ve ever noticed. I guess if you toss all of those attributes into a blender and mix them up, she’s basically a St. Louis Cardinals fan. I think everyone will agree with me on that.
Anyway, I think it would be fun if Jennifer Lawrence attended more sporting events so I can write about her as much as my cooler UPROXX bros get to, and I think it might go something like this…
WWE Monday Night RAW – 8 PM ET on USA
J-Law shows up as the guest celebrity GM for the night, but – OH MAH GAWD! THAT’S HATHAWAY’S MUSIC! And Anne Hathaway comes out and starts thanking WWE fans for all these championship belts that she’s never won – like she could ever hang with David Arquette – but then J-Law comes out and she’s like, “Oh hell naw, Anne! You ain’t the champ tonight unless you win this lumberjack match against me and Charlize Theron!” and then all the lumberjacks come out and they’re Playboy Playmates with pillows and then I win an Emmy for this idea.
NCAA Basketball: Syracuse at Marquette – 7 PM ET on ESPN
NCAA Basketball: Texas Tech at Kansas State – 7 PM ET on ESPN U
Here’s an idea – a random person is chosen from the crowd to shoot a half court shot at halftime. If he or she makes the shot, he or she gets to live on a private island with Lawrence until she turns, like, 35 or starts to look her age. Spoiler: The contest is rigged and I win. Again, I win an Emmy.
NHL: Stars at Predators – 8 PM ET on NBC Sports
J-Law goes to a hockey game in a tank top and she sits right next to the ice. More Emmys are won.
Are You Faster Than A Redneck? – 9 PM ET on SPEED
I don’t really know what this show is about, but I picture J-Law mud wrestling random people or something. Either way, I can tell she loves these ideas.