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The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 3/18/13: Rufus ‘Pancake’ Patterson, Episode One

By / 03.19.13

Best: Kaitlyn-Gate Continues

Gaitlyn?

There are a few notable Worsts here — WWE creative using “boyfriend trouble” as a default Divas Championship storyline, for example — but there are also a lot of Bests. Cody Rhodes is great here as a guy who WANTS to get with Kaitlyn, but not enough to reject these Hawaiian Tropic models on his arms, and can’t figure out how to say “I want all of you, basically, but I kinda like Kaitlyn for real” without sounding like a butthole. Kaitlyn is properly dismissive, because Cody’s cute and charming when he’s by himself, but he’s also kind of a porn star creep.

And the best part? Damien Sandow having already totally lost interest in the Bella Twins.

Fandango Entrance

Best: Fandango’s Entrance

OH MY GOD DUDE

Best: Everything Else About Fandango

Thank goodness Fandango has the speed and agility of a regular human being and could avoid The Great Khali’s grasp!

Johnny Curtis has found such a wonderful way to piss off the WWE Universe. His personality makes them mad because he’s the ultimate one-two punch of things WWE crowds hate — guys who act gay, and guys who get girls. He’s BOTH OF THEM. THIS GAY GUY IS GETTING GIRLS, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE, I AM HERE WITH NOBODY AND I’M EVERYTHING YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE! BOO!

I love this character. I love how stupid he acts, I love his little scissor kick over the top rope to enter the ring, I love that his dance partner still isn’t important enough to name, I love how he interacts with women … really the only thing I don’t love here is Natalya continuing to be a WWE “oddity” and not a wrestler or person it’s okay for us to say is pretty.

Fantasy Booking: By the end of the year, Fandango should be accompanied by every woman on the roster. He would then use his powers of dance seduction to woo Stephanie McMahon, who puts all of Fandango’s ladies into a womens’ wrestling division and they use their improved dexterity and confidence to have good wrestling matches.

Worst: That “Bad Jobber Squash” Thing I Was Talking About Earlier

Remember earlier in this column, where I explained why John Cena trouncing Darren Young was great, and the opposite of that horrible thing they normally do where they take a super talented guy and make him lose like a nobody to a bad wrestler, because WWE believes the ONLY role of a talented wrestler is to help his shitty co-workers look better?

Yep, here’s Damien Sandow, clearly one of the very best people in WWE at every aspect of being a pro wrestler, losing in under four minutes to R-Truth. I can’t decide what the worst part of it is … the fact that Sandow fled from R-TRUTH in 3:50, or R-Truth’s John Morrison cosplay. I feel like I don’t say it enough, but man, R-Truth is basically the worst actual wrestler in WWE. Imagine if Booker T had no idea how to connect with the crowd, couldn’t hit any of his moves and thought adding four spins to shit made it a legitimate part of a pro wrestler’s moveset. He’s like Booker T and Teddy Hart had a baby.

Oh, and speaking of Booker T:

Best: The Best Possible Booker T Hype Video

If I’m making a Booker T career retrospective and I’m Me On The Internet, what are the five things (five things, five things, five things, five things) I’d HAVE to include?

1. GWF footage

2. his tag team with Goldust, which was the greatest

3. We comin’ for YOU, racial slur!

4. as much King Booker as possible

5. This lady, from that time when Booker was accidentally a priest

Booker T priest lady

Mission accomplished, WWE. Now let’s work on getting Steve Ray into the Hall of Fame, you milk-drinkin’ crackerjack fruit-bootied yaks.


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TOPICSWWEWWE RAW
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