The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/1/13: WrestleMania 29 Is In Six Days, April Fools! Wait, What

By: 04.02.13  •  189 Comments

Worst: The Undertaker Literally Verbally Eviscerates CM Punk!

The graphic about how Undertaker was going to eviscerate CM Punk later tonight was one of the weirdest and most biased announcements they’ve done. “The Undertaker is going to split open CM Punk’s abdomen and LITERALLY remove his guts up next, as Raw rolls on!”

First of all, the Undertaker can’t verbally eviscerate anybody. He’s like, top five worst successful pro wrestlers on a microphone ever. If you took away his occult buzzwords and basic threatening shit like “souls” and “darkness” and “suffer,” you’d really see what I’m talking about. This is the guy who cut the worst promo in TV history, about going into the desert on motorcycles with the Big Show. This is the guy who can’t even say his shit without stumbling all over it, which is why he had a mouthpiece in the first place. Paul Bearer wasn’t there because he was a cool accouterment, he was there to say words because Mean Mark can’t spit it out. Last year he didn’t even know when WrestleMania WAS. So no, nobody’s getting VERBALLY eviscerated.

Second of all, letting the announcers be super obviously biased was a bad enough decision, but you can’t start making your graphics do it, too. If Triple H is feuding with Brock Lesnar, you can’t write “HEROIC TRIPLE H CALLS OUT THE COWARD BROCK LESNAR.” Do not be the Hawk and Wimpy of pro wrestling graphics. These guys are not good guys and bad guys in your eyes. They are employees, and it is not your job to editorialize. GREAT RYBACK VERSUS BIG FAT MARK HENRY AT WRESTLEMANIA, ORDER NOW

Best: Oh No, The Precious Funeral Sand!

When Punk stole the urn and started juggling and dropping it, I think we all assumed the final step would be unscrewing the thing and dumping it out. I’m glad they finally went there, I guess, because this angle is the swan song for the urn, and you might as well go for the most shocking imagery you can. The hilarious thing is how many fans think Paul Bearer’s ashes are in there. If THAT’s what they’re going for suddenly, I hope the first Raw after Mania features Kane and Undertaker reenacting this scene:

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week


I hope the urn gets a decent pop tonight, it’s a shame when someone will boo urns.


Cenacrats? Rockpublicans? Im a Punkdependent.


This is a lot of confidence for a man wearing a shirt with an illustration of himself without a shirt on the front. How do you even know which one is the real John, John? How do you even know where the graphic tees end and your real consciousness begins?


HBK decides whether to give a rose to HHH or Bork!

The Ayatollah of Rock ‘N Rolla

I don’t know Jack Swagger, the way I see it, real Americans fight for the right of EVERY man

Jean Ralphio Saperstein

Please, Mr. Wrestlemania is my father. Call me Wrestle.


That shot of Shawn’s clothes strewn about the ring is what it would look like if Zeb Coulter was raptured.


Did you know Wrestlemania can be watched in 22 different languages?

Nice to know Cesaro will at least have something to do while he’s sat at home watching.

Tobogganing Bear

This entrance is currently at 29% on Rotten Tomatoes.


Ask for CM Punk next Monday and you will find a grave man.

Best: My WrestleMania Weekend Schedule, For Anyone Interested

I’ve had a few people ask me where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing over Mania weekend, so here’s the rundown, should you want to high-five or talk about John Laurinaitis with someone who cares or whatever. I’m getting in on Thursday night and going straight to Long Island City for Cupcake Carnage, a comedy wrestling thing featuring the admirable Mr. Dan Barry. My only scheduled event for Friday is the ROH iPPV, because ACH is going to be there and I’d like to be that one asshole from Texas cheering for him in the Hammerstein. Spoiler alert: I am QT Marshall’s mystery partner.

On Saturday I’m doing WrestleCon (and TOTES trying to get laid there) so I can meet Jushin Liger and William Regal and Freight Train. I’ll be at SHIMMER (because Veda Scott, and also because EVIE~!) and Chikara with a gaggle of Wrestling Bros that afternoon. Sunday is Wrestling-style Mania. If somebody can figure out a way to get me to that 1 o’clock Mets game, that’d be stellar.

So yeah, see you guys this weekend, hopefully. The realistic schedule for reports is a Best and Worst of WrestleMania 29 Live on Tuesday (I’m on a plane all day Monday) and the Best and Worst of Raw on Wednesday. I don’t want to miss that post-Mania Raw again. GOOD LUCK AND GODSPEED.

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