Worst: Big E Langston Gets New, Worse Music
Big E Langston finally gets his own non-Dolph Ziggler entrance theme for singles matches on Raw, and … it’s not his NXT theme. 99% of people reading the column don’t care and would’ve accepted a worst for “black guy gets generic rap song,” but the iffy connection between the WWE and NXT Universes is important to me, and I see no reason why this wouldn’t have worked:
At least he got to keep his chalk.
Worst: Zachary Ty Ryder
First of all, congratulations on selling a backdrop like you’re Burt Reynolds in Cosmo.
Second of all, BRO, what’s up with your hair? You look like one of Tim Taylor’s kids. Are you gonna break out the “shaved on the side, pulled back on top” sumo ponytail thing Brad was trying for a while? Actually, no, keep your hair exactly like this. WWE can start selling Dennis Leary wigs. SSSSSIIIIICCCCCKKKK.
Best: Tyler Black Is Wrestling The Undertaker On My Television
I was worried that this wasn’t going to be what it should be, being on a taped, overseas Raw and all, and the backstage sneak attack made me fearful that they were gonna bait and switch us and just have The Shield beat up Taker (or worse, get beaten up BY Taker), but this was so good.
It had everything I wanted from a Raw six-man tag … it was long enough to make it worth everybody’s time (almost 20 minutes!), featured WWE People Of Importance wrestling with/against young stars and treating them as equals without pretending the new guys are shockingly superior, put the spotlight on the basic ideas that make wrestling matches work (crazy stuff like timing and heat, who knew?) and, most of all, had the right team taking the win. It also featured a number of absurd wrestling statements from a few years ago, such as “ROH’s Tyler Black will be on Raw wrestling the Undertaker and HE’LL WIN,” “Bryan Danielson and Jon Moxley will be two of the most important people on Raw,” and “I will enjoy matches with Leakee in them.” That last one especially.
My kingdom for a Daniel Bryan/Dean Ambrose beef, though. If we’re really doing a Team Hell No/The Shield tag titles match at Extreme Rules like everyone’s saying, do it right, and do it big. Also, don’t be afraid to introduce Kassius Ohno as the fourth Shield guy and have him knock off Daniel Bryan’s goat beard with a rolling elbow and force him to be a serious wrestling again through unconsciousness.
Best: BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD, or
Worst: The Damned Numbers Game
I love the f**king Shield so much. And not for any shitty wrestling fan reasons, either. I don’t like them because I saw them wrestle on DG USA shows or whatever, I like them because they’re a functional team of wrestlers who win matches by being an actual TEAM, and not just a bunch of Superstars paired together. They work as a unit, they win as a unit, and they don’t need foreign objects and referee bumps to make it happen.
That’s why it bugs me when Cole and Lawler start in with their “you shouldn’t like these guys” complaints. They’re inaccurate. Cole keeps going on and on about “the numbers game” in a THREE ON THREE SANCTIONED TAG MATCH. Lawler starts in about how The Shield attacking Bryan and Kane backstage to force a 3-on-1 handicap match would be “right up the Shield’s alley,” which it would not be, because the Shield won a 3-on-3 match against big WWE Superstars at TLC, won a 3-on-3 match against big WWE Superstars at Elimination Chamber, won a 3-on-3 match against big WWE Superstars at WrestleMania 29 and did the same goddamn thing last night. You can talk shit about how they jump dudes when they DON’T have a match, but when the bell rings, they are on the level. Deal with it.
Worst: And Now, A Special Look At The New Film Dead Men And Women Down
A horror film starring a WWE guy? Who wants to watch that?
Seriously though, if you’re gonna make a movie about Brodus Clay killing people, at least find two black girls to dance behind him and yell things like WOOO YEAH MURDER while he does it.