Worst: And Then ANOTHER Distraction! It’s Fine, Just Do It!
I thought the main-event was solid. In my head, the story wasn’t “champion vs. champion” though, it was “both of these guys have title belts … which one of them is gonna take a non-title loss!? They can’t BOTH lose, can they?” Cena’s mat wrestling ability is about as good as Great Khali’s Space Flying Tiger Drop, but he’s occasionally brilliant when he’s trying to snag that leg for the STF. I mean, the STF itself sucks (CLOSE THE WINDOW, JOHN), but when he’s working INTO it, magic can happen. Him ducking the corner enzuigiri and going for it only to end up eating a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker was nice, as was his counter to Del Rio’s armbar. Remember all those times he countered the GTS into an STF? Cena’s counter game is immense.
Of course, the match gets a Worst for using the only WWE trope more tired than both “photoshop joke” AND “take a count-out loss,” the OH NO I’VE BEEN DISTRACTED roll-up/aimless wander into somebody’s finish. They love it so much they did it TWICE. Mark Henry comes out first and John Cena’s all OH NO, MY OPPONENT and gets rolled up, but he kicks out, because John Cena doesn’t lose on Raw outside of ridiculous circumstance. So then Dolph Ziggler comes out and climbs up on the ropes, and the referee’s all, “I’m totally fine with that” and lets Ziggler yell at Del Rio for a minute before SEEING DOLPH ZIGGLER EXIST is enough to take ADR off his game and send him plunging into defeat.
It sucked, but it was like the 21st worst part of the show, so I’ll allow it. Plus, it was followed by the BEST thing on the show.
Best: Mark Henry Makes John Cena Look Like A Total Punk
Henry gets into the ring with the belt and pantomimes like he’s gonna hit Cena with the belt, and Cena flinches SO HARD and starts to flee. Mark smiles about it and drops the belt, so Cena bends down to pick it up and Mark makes him flinch EVEN WORSE. Cena is so spectacularly shook, and Mark Henry should beat him handily in like five minutes and make the ultimate THAT’S WHAT I DO statement at Money In The Bank. Cena’s gonna sell t-shirts whether he’s the champion or not, you guys, let’s put the belt on somebody who could use it. Or somebody who deserves it. Mark Henry is both.
Also, Mark Henry vs. Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship at SummerSlam needs to happen. If Cena wins, you might as well start photoshopping my head onto Ralphie May’s body now.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Christian in the Money in the Bank is like the Golden State Warriors against the Spurs. I like watching them, they’re exciting, and they have absolutely no goddamned chance.
PRIMO: “My favorite Stan Stasiak memory was when Triple H pedigreed CM Punk.”
The Usos ring entrance is like that awkward entry in the high school talent show that you kinda feel compelled to clap politely because its ethnic in nature and you don’t want to seem disrespectful.
Seth Rollins reminds me of a squirrel.
Here’s hoping a machete wielding, hockey mask-wearing maniac kills everyone in USA’s “Summer Camp.”
“Hey, you have until 5!”
This segment is missing a poop bath and a crate to send Ryback back to OVW
Vince walks by Sheamus and pats him on the back: “WHAT’S UP, MY GINGER?”
this crowd reeks of tickets obtained via classic rock radio station giveaways….
This could be the best part of the show, right up until Steph shows up swinging her ovaries and looking to wreck things.
See you guys next week.