Best: Nobody Has Ever Been More Helped By WWE Developmental Than Seth Rollins
Seriously. I might’ve said it before, but one of the things I like about The Shield is how much I hated them in their previous incarnations. A lot of people assume that because I’m a smarky wrestling columnist who loves minor leaguers I automatically love everybody on the independents, and that just isn’t true. I wasn’t a big fan of Jon Moxley on the indies, and didn’t warm up to him in NXT until his issues with William Regal started. I liked Tyler Black in Ring of Honor even less. WWE Developmental slowed him down, taught him to focus on his strengths instead of trying to be Long-haired Austin Aries and made him a much, much better wrestler.
But yeah, you don’t need Brandon Stroud, the guy who won’t stop yammering on about how much he loves Daniel Bryan and The Shield, telling you how good a Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield match was. Watch that clip and check out D-Bry throwing Seth Rollins onto his godf*cking face with one of the best top rope Germans ever and make up your own mind. I encourage you finding this entire match and watching it with the same fervor I’d encourage WWE to make Bryan and Rollins wrestle more often.
Worst: I Am Only Accepting This If We Get Bryan/Ambrose And Bryan/Reigns Soon
Bryan got the win on Rollins in spectacular fashion, but Dean Ambrose immediately jumped him, threw a bunch of punches and got caught in a Yes Lock. I thought they were going to have him tap out quickly to make time for Bryan/Roman Reigns, giving Bryan enough of a breather with a flash win to realistically have enough left in the tank for match three, but nope, Reigns runs in and causes a DQ. Then as soon as Bryan does anything to Reigns, AMBROSE causes a DQ. So technically Bryan won three matches in a row again, but … no, he really didn’t.
The only way I’m not gonna get mad about this and complain for 80 paragraphs is with the knowledge that maybe as the Bryan/Corporation beef continues we’ll get long, cool singles clashes between Bryan and Ambrose, and Bryan and Reigns. I know Bryan and Ambrose can do something great, but I’d be especially excited for Bryan/Reigns, just to see if Reigns has gotten as good as I think he has, or if I’m just wanking over The Shield guys out of habit.
Worst: BIG SHOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HELP HIM OUT, YOUR CONTRACT IS IRONCLAD
IRONCLAD MEANS YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, REMEMBER
I expect Miz and Ziggler to be cowards, you know? But GOD, I wanted Big Show to level Orton SO HARD here. Even the crowd was chanting “Big Show.” You don’t have Show cock his fist like that and make a face like that and have him NOT punch guys. Why did Show work so hard to get an ironclad contract that prevented him from ever begin embarrassed again if he wasn’t gonna use it to counter power-hungry buttholes like the ones in his face last night?
And while we’re at it, how does Ted DiBiase part ways with WWE on a Monday and not go out as a noble hero standing up for Daniel Bryan? It would’ve accomplished the same thing (not wrestling anymore) and would’ve made him a folk hero. Stupid Ted DiBiase.
Best: Forget The Catty Promos And Car Goofs, This Is The Most Easy-To-Get-Behind Story You’ve Done In Years
Triple H making sure the coast was clear before proceeding with his punishment steps and nodding his head to make The Shield do the triple powerbomb were fantastic, and I wish they’d skip the “LET ME REITERATE WHY I DONE IT” and “look at the funny thing I did to your car! YOU’RE GAY PROB’LY” stuff in favor of having the common, tiny man who just so happens to be the best wrestler in the world riding a surge of momentum and popularity in the face of a corrupt COO, his spoiled, paper doll champion and their ninja task force security team? These matches are too good to preface them with LOLCARS.
And while I’m thinking about it, I’m gonna pretend that “twinkletoes” joke Daniel Bryan made about Orton was a reference to Toph from Book 2 of ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender.’
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Did you like Fandango’s feud with Auto-Pilot Jericho? Well wait until you see his feud with someone doing a bad impression of Auto-Pilot Jericho!
The Incredible Olk
Very convenient that right before Primo and Epico return Rosa Mendes comes out dressed like a red matador cape.
I want to see Curtis Axel attempt a “better than perfect” mid-air gum swat, only to have the gum ricochet back into his hair, and then the rest of Raw is just Paul Heyman trying out different home remedies to remove the gum from Axel’s hair.
Everyone knew that Linda’s senate chances were doomed when the Connecticut state legislature voted down the bill to make all federal and state elections take place on the WWE App
My mom watches wrestling with me, and we just had the following conversation.
Mom: So who’s this guy fighting Punk again?
Me: Curtis Axel. Mr. Perfect’s son.
Mom: …are you sure that Mr. Perfect’s son?
Mom: Are you SURE?
Me: Yes, Mom, I’m sure.
Mom: ….well, maybe he was adopted.
AJ: You’re all interchangeable.
Total Divas: Let’s all react in the exact same way!
Hot damn, it’s the Soggy Bottom Boys!
Lawler and JBL really ought to slut-shame Ricardo for hanging out with another dude right after breaking up with Del Rio, just to be consistent.
Professional Ameteurish Wrestling
I do not like you Rob Van Dam, I do not like you with a tan, I do not like you with a Hispanic man. I do not like you in a marijuana patch, and even less in a championship match.
I keep wishing for them to pan to the superstars on stage, where we see Sandow continually flicking the back of Cody’s ear, and then hiding when Cody turns around.
Thanks, everybody. See you next week.