The measure of a good TV series, be it a sitcom, drama or even a reality series, is that if something is scripted, it should be creative, entertaining and enthralling. When something is written and it’s lacking in any of those three areas or, even worse, has none of them, it is doomed to be a failure. We’re through the looking glass with E!’s Total Divas, and this week’s episode had me fearing that we’ve hit that moment of boredom, when we’ve run out of unique angles to explore.
Take What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, for example. We had a lot of fun with the first few episodes, but by the fourth episode, I declared the series DOA, because there wasn’t anything new left to offer us. You’re playing paintball? Really? You’re partying at clubs with your boys? HOW COOL! With this week’s drama between the Bella Twins and their respective men, Ariane’s vagina and Vincent’s huge penis, and Nattie and Eva Marie, I feel like this show has had its title shot and is now languishing in undercard status.
Prove me wrong, E!. Prove me wrong.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
2) Brie Bella
4) Poor Nattie
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts
7) Eva Marie, because she’s the absolute worst
Nikki Bella and Her Breasts Just Don’t Understand It
When we last left the lovely ladies if E!’s Total Divas, Nikki Bella and her breasts hopped into John Cena’s Maserati and drove away to think about how the love of her life could just hand her a cohabitation agreement that basically calls her a guest in his home instead of his live-in girlfriend. Meanwhile, Cena did that thing that they do in bad movies where he just stood there and stared at nothing. It was some serious Emmy stuff, you guys.
So what exactly does Nikki not understand? Cena has told her that he won’t ever get married again, so this is basically like a “We’re not getting married, but you’re moving into my crib so we can play naughty nurse until we both get old or our relationship falls apart like we know it eventually will” agreement in lieu of a wedding certificate. I don’t get why this is so hard for her to comprehend.
“It kind of makes me second guess where I stand with John in this relationship.”
You are his girlfriend and he is a wealthy celebrity who already went through one divorce. It’s not an insult. It’s a guy protecting 50% of his remaining 50%. I get that it’s scripted drama for the sake of ratings, but Nikki and her breasts need to tell the writers to stop going overboard with the clingy beeyotch routine.
Babe, Vinnie’s Back, Babe, and He Needs Some Sex, Babe
It has been about four weeks since Ariane and her boyfriend Vincent have had sex, because if you recall, she was taken to the emergency room with severe pains, and that turned out to be endometriosis, which is when the womb’s cells start growing in other parts of the body. I’m not a doctor or a gynocologololisticle, so I don’t know how accurate that is, but I fainted while reading a description of it. Anyway, it makes it painful for Ariane to have sex, so Vinnie’s getting pretty frustrated.
This completely useless segment of the episode also informs us that Vinnie has a large penis, and I totally don’t imagine him banging on a writer’s office door while screaming, “BRO YOU BETTER MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I’VE GOT A HUGE DICK, BRO, OR I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS BRO!”
The Bella Twins’ Mom to the Rescue!
Kathy, Nikki’s and Brie’s mom, finally offers some sage advice and talks some sense into Nikki by explaining that Cena is just covering his ass since he just got divorced and probably lost a ton of his money and stuff. Nikki claims that if anything happened between her and Cena, she wouldn’t want his house or his money, and here’s the appropriate reaction to that:
Eva Marie Wants to Learn How to Wrestle Like Nattie
One of these days, I’m going to record a video of my new impression of Eva Marie, because when I’m watching these episodes and writing these recaps, I say everything in her voice. So when she says, “TJJJJJjjjjj, tell me what I can do to be like Nattiiiiieeeee” in that grating, reducing voice that she does, you can just read the rest of this like she’s saying it.
But Eva does indeed want to be a better wrestler, so she’s working hard at the training facilities in Orlando, and it just so happens that TJ and Nattie are in town as well. In fact, it’s an incredible coincidence that Nattie just happens to enter the facility as TJ is teaching Eva Marie how to pull off a leg lock. Amazing how that worked out.
Naturally, because Nattie needs to be upset about everything – everyone together… “POOR NATTIE!” – she thinks that Eva Marie is trying to flirt with TJ, because she already flirted with Fandango that one time, even though she was dating someone else, and she wasn’t subsequently fired for lying about being a trained dancer. Because she’s also a girl, Eva Marie chalks it up to Nattie being crazy, and if I know anything about women, they’re probably both 50% right.
The Most Important Part of the Entire Series
WE HAVE A NORMAL SMILEY SIGHTING!!! But he only said one word. That’s some bulllllllllllllsheeit, E!.
The Least Important Part of the Entire Series
Ariane warning her gynecologist that “it’s a little hairy down there” might have been one of the lowest points in TV history, right there with Honey Boo Boo’s sister farting in front of Steve Harvey. Also, Ariane coined the phrase “Awkward dot com” which makes no sense at all. Now she’s just adding dot com to random things and that cheapens even bomb dot com.
Brie is Upset with Daniel Bryan Now, Too, Because Twin Power!
My least favorite stupid scripted part of the episode was when Brie was standing in the distance like a shamed puppy while Daniel Bryan walked over to a group of fans to sign autographs. Are we really supposed to believe that Brie is mad at Daniel because he’s fulfilling his obligations as the WWE champ and one of the biggest stars of the company? If anything, Nikki and Brie should be pitted against each other right now as one is being dumped on by her boo and the other couldn’t be happier with the man she’s going to marry. It’s stupid to make Brie get mad at Daniel, because they’re such a cute couple and nobody should ever be mad at Daniel.
Nattie Knows How to Get Revenge on TJ and Eva Marie
TJ tells Nattie that he’s going to the performance center to help Eva Marie train, which further fuels her jealous rage, so she decides to also go to the performance center and train with Fandango. Get it? Because Fandango wants to sleaze it up all over every female wrestler and that will make TJ jealous, too. Or something like that. All I know is that if you’re going to script something like this, there needs to be a scene where Nattie wakes up next to Fandango in bed and she scratches her head and whispers, “What happened?”
That’s how you make reality TV magic, people.
But it pains me to say that I completely agree with Eva Marie on this one. Nattie’s wearing her psycho pants, because Eva Marie isn’t going to mess with TJ when he’s apparently built like a Ken doll.
Ariane and Vinnie Went to a Sex Therapist
I wanted to go to the fast forward therapist because I don’t need to hear any more of Vinnie talking about his alleged big dong, nor do I need to watch an older woman ask a girl if she masturbates. If I wanted to see any of this stuff, it would involve Julia Ann and can be found on Porn Hub.
The Real Difference Between Nikki and Brie
Aside from the two large cosmetic differences, Nikki and Brie differ because the latter has no problem nagging Daniel about every little problem in their relationship, while Nikki hasn’t talked to Cena about their cohabitation agreement in several days. Of course the larger similarity between the two is that they’re both freaking out over their own insecurities and the success of their men, but who needs to be rational when it comes to achieving the largest goals of your careers?
I really, really hope that in the season finale, Brie makes an ultimatum to Daniel and demands that he choose between her and being the WWE’s biggest star, and I will pause that moment in the episode so I can get really, really close to the TV screen and laugh uncontrollably as he answers. But I know that won’t happen, because this is just stupid scripted bickering.
Also, not being a devout wrestling fan like most of you, one of the things that I’ve grown to love about Daniel is that he has the same sort of “What the f*ck?” approach to stupid arguments that I do. His facial reactions to Brie complaining in the car were so perfect, because I know them and can translate them to say: “Seriously, I’m at the peak of my professional career and you’re in the passenger seat with me to the top, so why the f*ck are you complaining about anything at all?”
Of Course, In the End…
Everyone made up with each other, except for Nattie and Eva Marie. That’s it, no drama left over.
Post-Episode Total Divas Rankings
1) Trinity – She was on screen for a total of 2 seconds this week, so she could tell Ariane to have sex with Vinnie and do a split. So she’s the winner by default.
2) JoJo – She wasn’t even on the episode, but she’s still young and immature and nowhere near as cool as Trinity.
3) Ariane – I kind of felt bad for her this week, despite the whole awkward dot com thing and having to listen to Vinnie talk for one-third of the episode.
6) Nattie, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella – They all really pissed me off this week, so they’re tied for second to last.
7) Eva Marie – Always and forever.
On Next Week’s Episode: Ariane thinks that Vinnie should be a WWE Superstar. No.