Worst: Let’s Get These Two Worsts Out Of The Way
Okay, two quick Worsts about this segment:
1. Dolph Ziggler looks like a total, irredeemable putz for sucking up to Hugh Jackman instead of jumping him on sight. This guy showed up in a Broski headband and shattered your jaw, man, who cares if you love Hollywood action blockbuster explosions? You sound like an idiot and look like a chump. You could be Zack Ryder and this segment would be exactly the same. That’s not the kind of look you want when you’re the “show stealer.” Ryder couldn’t even steal a ticket to the show last night.
2. Hugh Jackman pronounces “Magneto” as “Mag-netto.” I haven’t been that disappointed since I went to visit my friend Mike Fireball, famous for his Super Mario Bros. speed runs, and heard him pronounce Mario “Mare-io.”
Okay, third worst:
3. Damien Sandow come out dressed like Magneto, and did not come out as Javert and sing the entirety of ‘Stars.’
Best: Damien Sandow As Magneto, Though
This was objectively pretty horrible from Ziggler’s smug reaction to a dude parallel to him on the promising future chart to the Magneto costume hoodie from Hot Topic in lieu of actual cosplay, but Damien Sandow was screaming about the POWER OF MAGNETISM and God, I can’t Worst that. This talented, charismatic motherf*cker is stuck in the ring with a celebrity guest and a guy who couldn’t take his job seriously if he was wearing Lance Storm’s skin as a suit doing Jedi mind trick gestures and giving it his all.
This is one of those times when a segment makes you shake your head, but should also make somebody in WWE management say, “Okay, enough with the Sandow shit, let’s let him be important again.”
Best: German Suplex Finishes
Firstly, I don’t care if Paul Heyman yanked his knock-knock joke from a WWE memes page. One of you is putting bold outlined Impact font on a picture of Chris Benoit and the other used to run the Dangerous Alliance. Just to type it out-loud, Paul Heyman is welcome to steal any of my jokes and use them without credit. I made a joke about R-Truth being one of Jack Kirby’s New Gods that people seemed to like, that’s probably relevant for the WWE Universe.
Secondly, the Dynamite Kid/Tiger Mask mark in me loves a good German suplex finish, especially when it’s executed by this generation’s Karl Gotch. I wish they’d called it a GOTCH STYLE GERMAN SUPLEX. Everything Cesaro does should be referred to as a “Gotch-style” thing, whether Gotch did it or not. A GOTCH STYLE SPRINGBOARD SPINNING EUROPEAN UPPERCUT! A GOTCH STYLE GLITTERY WOMEN’S BLOUSE!
I’m also down for Cesaro adding secondary finishers to his moveset. A German is the perfect choice for when he’s Neutralizing guys like Big E and they can’t remember to hold on to the legs. Can’t remember how to do moves? Here’s the easiest one ever. Stay still and let the putridly strong guy throw you backwards by your waist against your will. AJ Styles should start using a German and stop braining people who never learned how to front bump.
Thirdly, the Heyman/Zeb Colter feud is like the mature version of Torito vs. Hornswoggle. Maybe they should have a TL-Senile match before Over The Limit.
Worst: What Is That, Three Matches In the First 90 Minutes?
The opening match was great, but the second match lasted a minute and the third wasn’t much longer. That’s it for the first half of the show. Pace is an important thing to remember when you’re putting together three hours of wrestling, guys. When you forget your promo times and throw a bunch of 3-minute matches at us in a row, I see you trying to catch up. Make time for your wrestling matches. Let the guest promos and sheep sing-a-longs take the punishment.
Worst: Sometimes You Don’t Need To Show The Work
The Cody Rhodes and Goldust maybe-breakup continued this week, and that’s a good thing. If we aren’t going to keep Goldust on TV forever we should send him off with the one thing he actually wants to do in pro wrestling — help his brother get over before he’s gone.
The only problem I have with it is WWE’s weird idea of pacing. I don’t know who convinced the head writers that you had to repeat step one several weeks in a row to make sure everybody sees it, but you don’t. If Cody is upset about a loss one week and shoves Goldust away, that happened. It’s a thing we can remember and go back to. He doesn’t have to do the exact same thing in his next six matches before another plot point happens.
It’s the same thing they do with pay-per-view matches now. If Jack Swagger and Cesaro are going to wrestle at the big event, they wrestle over and over on Raw and Smackdown. How many times has Alexander Rusev had to squash Xavier Woods to build to a Rusev/Woods match? Why do they think we’ll only be excited to see a match if we’ve already seen it five times?
Don’t be afraid to move your stories forward. You’re a weekly episodic show with a dozen TV hours to play with. Your stories can have ten steps, you know? Not just two. You can also go step one, step two, not “step one, step one, step one, step one, step one, step two.” Tell all ten in order and see how much more exciting that tenth is when you get there.
I want more like this!
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