Worst: Lucky Cannon Is Not Making A Great Case For Himself
Throughout the show, Matt Striker gives each rookie 30 seconds to explain why they should be number one in next week’s Pros Poll. By “30 seconds” I mean “15 seconds, and then Striker starts trying to take back the microphone like an a-hole.” The worst of these was Lucky Cannon, who basically said this:
“I KNOW I’M NOT ANY GOOD AT ANYTHING AND EVERYBODY HATES ME, BUT MAN, THIS IS MY DREAM, YOU KNOW, IT’S LIKE A DREAM TO BE HERE EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY DON’T DESERVE IT, SO THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE HERE. YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME SO I GET TO KEEP LIVING MY DREAM, WHICH SPECIFICALLY IS TO BOGART A SPOT ON THE WWE ROSTER AND KEEP FAR MORE TALENTED PEOPLE IN DEVELOPMENTAL FROM GETTING WORK. THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.”
Best: Lucky Cannon Gets A Great Case
Immediately following Lucky’s “I’m just thankful to be alive” pipe bomb, he loses a quick squash match to Alex Riley — Alex Riley, not even The Miz — and gets Skull-crushingly Finale’d onto the newly won Money In The Bank briefcase. Lucky became the first of many, many people to get that briefcase in the face. By the time Miz cashed it in, it contained a championship contract and Daniel Bryan’s head.
I really do miss this Miz. He’s purposeful, impactful, and makes a great “this is the most unforgettable dude ever” point in the “what do you think about Lucky Cannon” video package. 2014 Miz needs to do a 2010 Miz fantasy camp.
Best: Layla’s Gloves
LayCool’s explanation for Kaval being number one in the poll is “we’re flawless,” because of course it is. Kaval’s explanation is even funnier: he wants to wrestle Rey Mysterio and Evan Bourne, and thinks the WWE Universe would really like to fantasy book that. This was seriously as close as we’ve ever gotten to hearing “fantasy book” on WWE TV. VOTE FOR KAVAL IF YOU THINK JOHN CENA SHOULD MAKE A HEEL TURN AND JOIN D-X, AND IF YOU THINK HIS CATCHPHRASE SHOULD BE ‘YOU CAN’T SUCK IT’ WITH HIM HAVING HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HIS JUNK. ALSO VOTE KAVAL IF YOU THINK THE UNDERTAKER AND KANE NEED TO FIND OUT ABOUT A THIRD BROTHER.
Best/Worst: The Obstacle Course Is Back, And It’s Main-Eventing!
The main event of this episode is the Obstacle Course challenge, aka “the keg carry without the keg.” WWE helpfully put up video of this because hey, who needs to see the matches, I want to see how effectively Percy Watson can navigate a balance beam! The big improvement here is that they’ve eliminated the entire “run up the arena steps, drink a souvenir soda and run back down the steps without vomiting everywhere” aspect of the season 1 course by adding in hurdles. It cuts about three minutes from everyone’s time and allows all 7 remaining rookies to run the course in about five minutes. A huge raise to whichever WWE Creative type went “hey, maybe it’d be better if they ran an actual obstacle course and didn’t puke Diet Coke on the fans.”
Highlights and observations include:
- Michael McGillicutty absolutely MURDERS the course. He goes first, sets the time and is never really in danger of losing it. He doesn’t know how to do push-ups, but nobody does, and every rookie does this weird drinking bird hump-in-place thing. I think Kaval and Husky Harris are the only guys who do it correctly.
- Eli Cottonwood wins Most Hilarious Run. He hops the first hurdle and the announcers are all ELI COTTONWOOD IS SURPRISINGLY AGILE, which leads to him immediately falling over hurdles two and three. He’s too tall to do pushups in the assigned box and gives up on the balance beam about halfway through, so he runs the final half of the course with two referees tailing behind him all HEY HEY NO YOU GOTTA COME BACK YOU GOTTA COME BACK. Cottonwood ignores them but they keep bugging him, and oh man, if he’d just started shoot chokeslamming them and throwing them into the crowd he would’ve been my favorite wrestler. It was like watching King Kong.
- Husky says f*ck the lemons and bails, taking his time through the course. The best part is when he gets to the big hurdle and decides to truck it instead of clearing it. Josh Mathews gets SO BUTTHURT about this for some reason, and Husky just calmly goes about his life. Note: Husky Harris is now a huge star and Josh Mathews is hosting pre-shows with Alex Riley. There’s a lesson in this somewhere.
- The obstacle course is over, and now we get an entire season of shows before another obstacle course.