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Vintage Best And Worst: WWF King Of The Ring 1996

By 05.01.14

sunny sex

Worst: I Think Sunny Is Talking About Sex

Ugh. Sunny. If we’d done our ranking of the hottest WWE women of all time more recently, then I wouldn’t have ranked Sunny anywhere near the top. I remembered her as being hot, but probably because she showed up right around when I’d finished reading My Body And Me. But watching her now is the worst. She’s basically Jerry Lawler with boobs. There’s no innuendo. She’s just basically finding new ways to say “jizz on me” as obviously as possible. Here’s how her promo sounded in my brain: “I’m here with the Smoking Gun! I bet they have looooooong pistols for me to enjoyyyyyy orallyyyyy if you know what I mean, Todd! Penises!”

Basically, she’s the Godmother of TNA.

Worst: British Bulldog’s Victory Is Going To Be His A Few Short Hours Away

One of the most underrated sh*tty talkers in wrestling is the British Bulldog. WWE put Jim Cornette AND Johnny Cochran as his mouthpieces and Bulldog still couldn’t tell a coherent story.

As a bit of background, the story here is that the heels are trying to accuse Shawn Michaels of sexually assaulting Bulldog’s wife, Diana, as a psychological advantage for their main event match. Sounds like Shawn needs Olivia Pope on his side *snaps in a Z formation*

The point here is that Bulldog made absolutely zero sense. The best part is seeing Owen’s “WTF” face every time Bulldog talks.

warrior lawler

Worst: Lawler Was A Good Wrestler Once, Right? RIGHT?!

The only Jerry Lawler matches I ever saw were on ESPN when I was like five and in the WWF. None of his WWF matches were good. Even with Bret Hart, which is pretty incredible. This match is Lawler vs. Warrior based on a painting and a hat or something. Whatever the case, the match is three minutes too long. Because the match it five minutes long. A five-minute Warrior/Lawler match is basically watching Lawler vs. Michael Cole or that match where Bret Hart hit Vince McMahon with a chair fortyleven times. Just give me the shoulder block, splash and let me get on with it.

Also, if you listen closely you can hear Lawler’s scepter clanging against the crystal Macho Man lodged in the top of Warrior’s head that turned into one of the Infinity gems or whatever Warrior said back then.

Added Best for Warrior’s jacket being the cover to the first issue of his comic book, which I definitely bought and still have somewhere at my mom’s house.

taker mankind

Best: Mankind vs. Undertaker Is The 2nd Most Important Feud Of The 90s*

*Not including WWF vs. WCW.

We can all pretty much agree that Vince vs. Austin was the most important feud of the 90s. It redefined the business, made it popular and let America know it’s okay to fake shoot your boss in the brain.

But beyond that, we’ve got to say that Taker vs. Mankind is right there. Think about it: Undertaker was wrestling freak show matches and still turning on lights with his mystic fingertips. Mankind humanized Undertaker and brought him into the Attitude era. This isn’t to say that Mean Mark wouldn’t have figured out how to last on his own, but Foley sure did help. By the same hand, Undertaker got Mankind over. He made Foley in the WWF and helped Foley in turn make stars and add dimensions to feuds for the next decade. They have each other to thank.

And it all started here with their first major match. The coolest thing about this is watching Undertaker sell more than ever, and he did it for a guy who was getting a quirky offense over and selling his ass off too.

I don’t want to spoil things for you – which is hard to do for a storyline almost 20 years old – but Undertaker lost to Mankind for damn near the whole rest of the year and didn’t get a hug victory until Hell In A Cell two years later.

I love going back and watching these matches because Undertaker is figuring himself out in his new vulnerable phase and Foley is figuring out the Mankind character. It’s just great to watch.

Best: Hey, Look, A Slow Build!

The match ends with Paul Bearer, who shouldn’t be ignored here, “accidentally” hitting Undertaker with the urn to cost him the match. Of course, it’s foreshadowing a heel turn he’d make a few months down the road, but if this were in 2014, Bearer would have cost Undertaker the match then turned on him immediately and each guy would be feuding with Ziggler or something. And nobody wants that.

Worst: Why Does Anyone Hire Mr. Perfect to referee?

I never understood the way WWF decided special guest referees. They’d hire a guy, he’d turn heel, then he’d disappear only to be the big reveal when they announce a new special guest referee. They did it with Pilled out Shawn Michaels and they did it with Perfect before him. Now, Perfect is the referee for Micheals/Bulldog for no reason at all and he’s being all mysterious. Perfect should have been fired the moment he allowed Yokozuna to put a nerve hold on Luger for 27 minutes straight at WrestleMania 10.

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