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Your Official With Leather WWE Payback 2014 Predictions

By 05.30.14
WWE Payback 2014 predictions


So uh, what exactly are you doing with your hands, Dean?

WWE Payback 2014, aka “WrestleMania 30 Par 3,” comes to you live on pay-per-view (on the WWE Network) this Sunday, June 1, from the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Illinois. The show is headlined by Daniel Bryan not defending the WWE World Heavyweight Championship as well as a six-man elimination tag team match between The Shield and Evolution. On the pre-show, midgets fight to literally save face.

Here is your full WWE Payback 2014 card, followed by my legally binding, expert opinions.

WWE Payback 2014 Card:

– Hair vs. Mask Match: Hornswoggle (with 3MB) vs. El Torito (with Los Matadores)

1. Big E vs. Rusev (with Lana)

2. WWE Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) vs. Alicia Fox

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Rob Van Dam

4. United States Championship Match: Sheamus (c) vs. Cesaro

5. Last Man Standing Match: John Cena defeats Bray Wyatt

6. No Holds Barred Elimination Six-Man Tag Team Match: The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns) vs. Evolution (Triple H, Batista and Randy Orton)

And now, we predict. If you agree or disagree with my choices, let us know about it in the comments section below.

– Hair vs. Mask Match: Hornswoggle (with 3MB) vs. El Torito (with Los Matadores)

What Should Happen: Hornswoggle and El Torito tore the house down with WWE ELL SEE SEE MATCH before Extreme Rules, so we should get more of the same here. Oddly enough, with all the ass-based jokes and THESE AREN’T EVEN REAL PEOPLE MAGGLE commentary, the Torito/Hornswoggle beef has remained compelling … I think everyone in the world expects Hornswoggle to lose here, so Horny eats it and loses his hair. The only reason a wrestler grows his hair out like that is to lose a hair match, right? Hornswoggle can sacrifice the flippy emo hair in favor of the blonde buzzcut that brought him to the game, and El Torito can escape without losing another body part.

If we want to be frank about what “should” happen, Hornswoggle and Torito should do a big dive to the outside that takes out the entire announce table, and Raw starts on Monday with JBL apologizing for not thinking short people were real.

What Will Happen: I don’t see this living up to WeeLC, but the drama should be good. You know, if they play it up as actual drama and not as pretend storytime. How great would it be if the match ended up being an old school lucha bloodbath, with Hornswoggle tearing up Torito’s mask and striking a gusher? That’d be the greatest thing in the world. Look for NOT that to happen, and for some butts to be slapped, or whatever.

1. Big E vs. Rusev (with Lana)

What Should Happen: A non-finish. Rusev has been built up well as a guy who mauls nobodies and Big E is dangerously close to BEING a nobody, so this should be built around portraying the men as violent, hossy equals. That’s what I want to see. If you have to go the “double count-out, fight to the back” route, so be it. If Big E’s gonna lose to Rusev — and for all intents and purposes, he will — he should go down swinging and take a chunk of Rusev with him.

What Will Happen: This has GOT to be good, especially on a show with Sheamus vs. Cesaro. These guys are in desperate need of making a true name for themselves beyond their original mini-pushes, so they’ve got to go all out and really leave it all in the ring. I’m actually going to predict Big E gets the win here, because why not? An unbeatable monster only gets you so far these days. If you’ve got a small amount of vulnerability and can stay away from “big freak loses to everybody” Great Khali/Viscera/Big Show territory, you’re on the right path.

Seriously though, they need to tear it up.

2. WWE Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) vs. Alicia Fox

What Should Happen: Here’s the problem with Payback: a lot of the matches are retreads of decisions already made, and the ones that aren’t feels like decisions that aren’t READY to be made. Big E vs. Rusev is one of them. They built that feud up over what, two weeks and some aggressive flag waving?

Paige vs. Alicia Fox is another. Paige is still figure out who she is as a main roster performer, but she’s got the Divas Championship. Alicia Fox has come into her own as a fully-formed, fully-realized wrestling personality, but she’s been losing matches clean on Raw. Should Paige win and nerf Alicia’s momentum, or should Alicia win and make everyone involved look bad because the loser beat the hot new champion?

I don’t want to predict a non-finish for all of these matches, but something like a DQ win for Paige makes sense. Alicia can “win” the fight, but be so hopped up on goofballs that she does it in the worst way, walking away without the belt. That’s really all I can think of that makes sense without sacrificing what they’ve started to build. 50/50 overprotected booking is the worst.

What Will Happen: One or the other gets sacrificed. Probably Paige.

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Rob Van Dam

What Should Happen: bahbahbahbahbahbahbahbah BAAOOOMMMMMM, Dog Boner, decisive pay-per-view victory for the champ.

What Will Happen: It feels like a few of these championships are gonna change hands tonight, and Wade Barrett’s previous runs with the IC strap haven’t instilled me with a great sense of confidence. I’m hoping he takes it, but it’ll be competitive. Van Dam’s been extremely hit or miss lately but BNB’s been on a roll, so maybe it’ll even out and we’ll get something watchable. If Van Dam simply decides to no-sell everything 12 minutes in, get his shit in and cleanly win, I’m going to flip a table.

4. United States Championship Match: Sheamus (c) vs. Cesaro

What Should Happen: The match of the night. These guys can blow you away when the chemistry is right, and while their previous singles matches haven’t totally lived up to my brain’s hype, this is their biggest showcase singles match yet. It’s a bigger stage, featuring two guys who can make the most of it. No matter who wins, I want to walk away from this saying, “wow, these guys beat the SHIT out of each other.”

What Will Happen: A Brogue Kick. It’s hard to pick anything else for a Sheamus match.

This is another weird one, where both guys have had runs with the United States Championship and are more or less “above” it, but there’s no room in the main event (especially not with the injured champ somehow retaining two championships simultaneously), so we might as well do something. I’d like for this to be another important step in legitimizing the secondary titles, and if Sheamus wins, it should be a narrow victory. Cesaro’s partnership with Paul Heyman still doesn’t make a lot of sense in that Heyman appears to have dulled Cesaro’s colors a little … let’s beat each other up and give Heyman a reason to be there, okay? That’s really all we need. Punches to the face and a lot of yelling and face-mugging, occasionally about His Client Brock Lesnar.

5. Last Man Standing Match: John Cena defeats Bray Wyatt

What Should Happen: Bray kills John Cena dead, Cena leaves for several months to film Legendary 2: The Legend Continues and Bray learns that there are several public domain church songs and that you can sing more than one. I’ve lost faith in John being taken through some dramatic character change via this feud, so I’d kinda just like him to lose and step aside for a while. Very far aside, so that when Stephanie McMahon’s all WHO WANTS TO BE THE NEW WWE CHAMP he doesn’t hear it.

What Will Happen: JOHN CENA MELODRAMA. Last Man Standing matches are where Cena is at his scenery-chewing worst, being tied to the ringpost and beaten like Jesus or wrapping duct tape around peoples’ ankles to beat them. Cena will be “clever” with the most violent use of quotation marks ever, and Bray will lose badly.

Note: If I say Bray will lose badly and he doesn’t, I’ll be happily surprised. If I say he will lose badly and he does, I’ve lowered my expectations and won’t be all Internet butthurt about it when it happens.

6. No Holds Barred Elimination Six-Man Tag Team Match: The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns) vs. Evolution (Triple H, Batista and Randy Orton)

What Should Happen: Is this the trigger pulling on The Shield breakup? Is that a thing I have to bring up every Shield match from now until it happens?

They’ve done a suspicious amount of interviews lately about how they haven’t changed since becoming good guys and how they’re gonna stay together forever, so it feels like the right time to have one of them be a butt and jump ship. Evolution needs four guys, and the tease that the Shield will never tag together again after what happens to them at Payback seems like a grand indicator that Triple H will be “right,” but in a way we aren’t expecting.

So … Roman?

What Will Happen: This (along with Sheamus/Cesaro) is a guaranteed great match, so I’m looking forward to it no matter what. Additionally, I will laugh out loud if Batista gets triple powerbombed five minutes in and spends the rest of the match backstage wiping himself with a laundry basket full of towels.

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