Worst: This match sponsored by prowrestling.e-wrestlingzonenews.biz.tv
Sometimes I really dislike a match, but I know in my heart of hearts of my gut of guts that I’m going to get a lot of flak for it. On paper it reads like a match booked in the YouTube comment section, or by…I dunno, Natalya, I guess. Let’s take the new guys who are really fast and do moves like they’re ripping off a band-aid (you know, ripping one off hurts for two seconds and then you forget that pain FOREVER), two big lumbering guys who have fallen by the wayside and look clumsy as f-ck but have been around forever so why wouldn’t they provide a nice “contrast” to that style, The CRAZY UNPREDICTABLE guy not to be mistaken for that CRAZZY UNPREDICTABLE GUY, and lol Austin Aries. I’m not one to shy away from armchair booking (World Heavyweight Champion EC3 still sounds amazing), but man…this does not work outside of internet discussions, does it.
The problem is what seems like a match that would highlight everyone’s styles seems to highlight their weaknesses even more. Samoa Joe looks like the saddest adult, just schlumping through the motions while Aries stutter steps around him. The Wolves are fast, sure, but again, being fast is useless if it doesn’t mean anything. They’re ganging up on people in the corners, but the rest of them just stand around like sorry sad sacks until one of them half-heartedly tries to get in the ring and get the attention of Brian “Probably should be fired or at least suspended pending a full review of his actions” Stiffler. Aries gets some nice looking moves in, but when put into a scenario with Richards and Edwards he falls back on that same ROH-driven tendency of meaningless rapid-fire offense. Abyss is the saddest adult since Samoa Joe, and the poor guy looks more like the bumbling beginnings of Joseph Park than a big scary monster-type monster.
“Can you imagine how crazy and unpredictable you’d have to be to do that?!” Yes, Tazz. I have seen all of these men wrestle about a billion times [no citation needed that is absolutely the amount of times]. I can imagine exactly how crazy and unpredictable any of them can get. That’s not a good thing.
Worst: MVP – still drunk with power, should probably listen to Jon Taffer and switch to water
There’s no video online of MVP ordering Austin Aries and Samoa Joe out of the building, but I was able to find this gif:
Best: THAT TENAY FACE
THAT TENAY FACE!