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The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 6/27/14: F*ck You, Jack Swagger

By 06.28.14


Worst: It’s Time to Fire Jack Swagger


Listen, like most of you I have a certain amount (a certain large amount) of affection for Jack Swagger. He hasn’t been treated terribly well by WWE, and I feel kind of sorry for him, but on the other hand, f*ck Jack Swagger.

The fact that he hasn’t developed an iota since 2010 isn’t WWE’s fault. The DUI wasn’t WWE’s fault. The fact that he staggers through his job like an unmotivated, stoned Frankenstein isn’t WWE’s fault. And now Swagger’s sidelined another promising career with his carelessness. He shouldn’t get a third chance.

Yeah, I know — Swagger’s had hundreds of matches with WWE and only seriously injured two people! Those are good odds, right? Well, no. Giving even one co-worker a concussion or separated shoulder is a bad thing. Trust me, the folks in your HR department will back me up on this. It’s not like these have been slip on a banana peel incidents where Swagger happened to be in the ring with somebody when their muscle exploded, these injuries have been a direct result of Swagger not being able to get it through his corn fed hoss skull that this isn’t real.

Besides, what’s Swagger doing in WWE anyhow? He could be TNA champ next week. He’d wreck shop in Japan (you don’t get the title there unless you’ve inflicted a decent number of concussions). Let Jack Swagger go, WWE — Mars needs him, and the rest of the roster needs to stop getting kicked in the face by him.

Best: Coping Mechanisms

Huh. So, I’m actually kinda getting into this Funkadactyls break-up? Or non-break-up? Usually in wrestling a team is bestest pals until artificial tension arises, then one person violently turns on the other and they’re blood enemies forever.

That’s not how real friendships usually work. In the real world you’re going to have friends that you’ve outgrown or you don’t really like, but there’s no dramatic break-up, because life’s too short for drama and new friends are hard to make. The Funkadactyls don’t get along, and Cameron is holding Naomi back from becoming the respectable competitor she wants to be, but Naomi doesn’t trash Cameron on commentary. Being a terrible person is just who Cameron is, and Naomi still considers her a friend because, well, she just does. Once you’ve touched butts with somebody a certain number of times, you’re pretty much locked in with them for life.

Oh, and a Paige/Cameron match happened too. It was pretty good! The Paige Turner actually sorta looked like a real move for once!


Uh, me!

Butt Touching Friends Foreva!

Best: Bray Wyatt vs. Sheamus

This was good stuff, which may seem like a no-brainer statement, but Bray doesn’t always have good matches with guys bigger than himself, and Sheamus has been a little off his game lately. But nope, this was a quality hard-hitting affair with Sheamus effortlessly herking Bray up for all sorts of stuff. And what’s this? A 2014 Sheamus match ending in something other than a Brogue Kick? Well, okay, Harper and Rowan ran in before the match could actually end, but when Sheamus locked in the cloverleaf I was legit excited to see Sheamus win a match without resorting to his stupid kick.

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