Welcome to this week’s Assumptive Smackdown Spoilers Report, the only column on the Internet that reads about wrestling instead of watching it and jumps to a bunch of conclusions. If you’d rather celebrate Our Great Nation and, I don’t know, eat corndogs and hang out with your family instead of watching two hours of wrestling on July 4, here’s what you’ll need to know.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(Note: These are actual Smackdown spoilers.)
- Seth Rollins starts off the show and gets attacked by Dean Ambrose. Randy Orton makes the save for Rollins, and Roman Reigns shows up to even the odds. Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long lost his job last month, so the four men aimlessly stand in the ring wondering what to do next for almost two hours.
- Big E defeated Cesaro. Cesaro has proven all year that he’s a bulletproof workhorse with instant credibility. He is now also wearing an EYEPATCH, which puts him closer to ‘Boss Of The World’ than ever before. So yeah, of course he curtain-jerks Smackdown and loses to Big E by count-out.
- United States Championship Match: Sheamus defeated Alberto Del Rio. A match result you could see from space.
- Remember the segment from Raw where The Miz returned, Chris Jericho returned to interrupt him and then the Wyatt Family attacked? Smackdown features that same segment but in reverse, with Jericho cutting a promo, The Miz interrupting, Miz getting beaten up and the Wyatt Family doing nothing. It’s one of those things where the guy reporting the spoilers uses the words “big pop” too many times in one paragraph.
- AJ Lee defeated Eva Marie. WELCOME BACK, 2013 DIVAS DIVISION! One of these days, Eva Marie’s gonna spend her two months between matches traveling to Japan to train at a dojo and come back throwing buzzsaw kicks. It’ll be the best thing in the world. Or, you know, she’ll remain employed for four more years and never learn how to convincingly do a headlock.
- Damien Sandow celebrated July 4 by dressing up as Bruce Springsteen and singing ‘Born in the USA.’ Guessing Zeb Colter told him that was a pro-USA song. He was interrupted by Lana and Rusev, who (spoiler alert) SOMEWHAT DISLIKE AMERICA. According to live reports from fans in attendance, Lana suggested that Russia was “better” than the U.S. and that a “Vladimir Putin” was worthy of praise. I can’t substantiate those reports at this time.
Also because July 4, Rusev is interrupted by Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter, who are still hateful racists but at least they’re saying 50% of America sucks instead of 100. Jokes were made and chants were had.
- Dean Ambrose defeated Randy Orton (by disqualification, don’t get excited). In a world where we’d HOLD ON A MINUTE and be PLAYERS this would’ve been a tag team match. As it stands, though, it’s just Ambrose vs. Orton with Seth Rollins running in to blast Ambrose with the Money in the Bank briefcase and draw a DQ. Roman Reigns once again runs down and makes the save, and once again a tag team match is not made. Are these shows supposed to generally manage themselves?
And that’s our show!
If you like the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, let us know in the comments section below. Also, be sure to speculate wildly about everything you’ve read. WWE Battleground is coming up in a few weeks, which means OF COURSE they’re doing a War Games match, right? “They’re gonna do a War Games match” is usually a good prediction.
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