The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 6/30/14: I’m The Marine, Dammit

By: 07.01.14  •  122 Comments

Best: AJ Lee And CM Punk Were In The Closet Making Babies And I Saw One Of The Babies And The Baby Looked At Me

Please e-mail your best pregnancy jokes to

Worst: Two Things

1. I’m really disappointed by the crowd reaction here. I understand it, I guess, but AJ Lee is kind of a big deal. Her returning should’ve involved them reacting to her, not turning her into My Wife Brie Bella with those CM Punk chants. I wanted her to just take the mic and go, “hey, my husband hates all of your guts, that’s why he’s not on the show anymore. He probably hates you more now that you’re chanting his name at his wife.”

2. Paige and AJ could probably have a really great match. The first match happened the night after WrestleMania and was just Paige hitting a sloppy finisher out of nowhere to get the pin, sending AJ off into the abyss for two months. Paige/AJ II was a parallel to that, with AJ showing up, demanding an impromptu title shot, Paige saying “okay” for some reason and getting quickly beaten. Then CRYING, because I guess Head Booker Natalya has written “cry” after every Divas match and circled it a bunch.

Paige’s title run is never going to make sense to me. She wins on a bad-looking fluke, then gets put into a series of matches where she’s made to look weak and only wins because she gets her special first. As soon as she starts looking like she can actually go, AJ returns and instantly beats her. No effort was made to explain who Paige is, why she’s the way she is or what she hopes to accomplish beyond “I am the Divas Champion!” A woman working hard to win good wrestling matches is enough to get guys like me on board, but your average types aren’t going to differentiate it from Summer/Layla, and you end up scraping dirt off the walls of the same damn hole you were in to begin with.

Best: One More Time

In the night’s main-event, John Cena teams up with Roman Reigns against Kane and Randy Orton. Roman tosses Orton out of the ring at one point, follows him out and just starts punch-walking him up the ramp and to the back. This makes zero sense beyond “now it’s time for us to leave so we can do the post-match.” I hate when that happens. If it was a heated battle that spilled to the back, that’s fine, but it’s very clearly two guys who are not in the red doing slapsies and vaguely pulling each other by the head. If they fight up to the stage, is there a reason why they’re gonna turn that corner and disappear into the back? Usually it’s because one guy’s running away, but Roman threw the dude out there and is purposely walking him away.

Anyway, the highlight of the match is after THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME of Kane + steel steps occurs and Cena ends up getting tombstoned. The crowd chants “one more time” for the demonic henchman of the evil corporation because John Cena is that hard to like. They do a brief injury angle and tease Rollins cashing in, but the referee shakes his head and goes GOTTA WAIT FOR DEAN AMBROSE until Ambrose shows up and ruins it. So much weird blocking and stalling here, but …

Best: The Shield Is Still The Best Part Of This Show

They are. Ambrose vs. Rollins is hot every time it bubbles up, and Roman is the most protected guy in the world. He’s so protected that the bad guy that hates him saves him for last and announces him dramatically when he’s setting up the main event. I guess they’re never getting back together, but as long as they’re in the same place at the same time, I’m happy.

Next week: everything new from tonight is done again and makes us feel really tired.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Harry Longabaugh

WWE is a family owned organization. Plan B is no longer covered.


Makes sense that Cena would be on the cover of a video game that still plays like a one from 2004 despite it being 2014.

Bill at the End

Well all the black guys failed so HERE COMES THE TEA PARTY I GUESS.


I have to choose between the racists and the guy who wasn’t born in America? What is this? The 2012 Presidential Election?


The matches are during the commercials and the commercials are during the show


Smooth Jimmy Apollo

That was a pretty cool rematch of Vince McMahon vs the Stock Market. Same finish and everything.


The reason the movie is called The Marine 4: Target is that’s where it’s available for purchase.


In all fairness it did say he’d take your girlfriend on his shirt for like 2 years


Ziggler making out with someone is not the same without a large black man standing awkwardly nearby.


“time for a bunch of weirdos” said the stock market cowboy that just got finished watching a ballroom dancer lose a fight via cuckolding, which of course was preceded by Southern cultists saving a fictional marine from a beating delivered by the lead singer for a nonfictional band in a light up jacket

Thanks, everybody. Whew. See you next week.

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