Raw’s so boring and bad that nobody wants to talk about it. Want to talk about a show exactly like Raw, only more boring and bad?
Welcome to this week’s Assumptive Smackdown Spoilers report, a place to find out what happens on Friday’s show and jump to a bunch of conclusions without ever watching it. I could’ve just hit enter a few times and typed “nothing,” but come on, let’s at least try to have pessimistic fun.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
Dark matches:
1. Kofi Kingston defeated Tyler Breeze. A frightening look into the future of Tyler Breeze. I hope you’ve enjoyed all the great work he’s done down in NXT, because “Kofi Kingston defeated” is how 70% of his match results are gonna begin.
2. Adrian Neville and Sami Zayn defeated The Ascension. You can tell the Ascension’s about to be called up because they’ve started losing every match they wrestle. We can’t let people who WIN on Raw. Only one person may win per hour!
WWE Smackdown TV Taping
1. Jimmy Uso defeated Stardust. After the show, Cody Rhodes and his wife sat silently on their couch as he played Skyward Sword and she awkwardly browsed through her phone.
2. Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler defeated The Miz and Cesaro. Sheamus debuts his “stunt double,” a bag of flour. Just an opened bag of flour spilling all over the place. The Miz was pinned when he accidentally saw another wrestler and fainted into a coma.
3. Adam Rose defeated Heath Slater. The storyline TOO HOT FOR RAW continues on Smackdown. The bunny does a dive to the outside onto Titus, distracting Heath Slater and allowing Rose to win. I’ve got to wonder: if the bunny can interfere and help Rose win a bunch of matches in a row, why doesn’t he get his entire Rosebuds posse to do that? Like, Heath Slater starts the match and is suddenly overwhelmed by a hamburger man and a bunch of Boohbahs.
4. Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan defeated Big Show and Los Matadores. This can’t be right. I’m sure it’s supposed to read “Bray Wyatt was about to be cleanly beaten by Diego when Harper and Rowan interfered and the ref disqualified them.”
5. Paige defeated Nikki Bella. AJ Lee sat in on commentary, but got up and left when she realized she wasn’t at the Blackhawks game.
6. Bo Dallas defeated Jack Swagger. In 2014, “feuding” means “only wrestling each other.”
7. Rusev defeated Roman Reigns. Don’t get too excited. Rusev won by disqualification when Seth Rollins interfered. Rollins and Reigns fought to the back, and suddenly Rusev was distracted by AMERICAN THINGS, allowing Mark Henry to slam him and pose over his dead body whilst patriotic songs played. At Night Of Champions, Rusev should easily beat Henry, then have the referee reverse the decision because Henry performed ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’ during the post-match.
And that’s the show!
I didn’t mean that exclamation point, I’m sorry.
