Apparently his pants exploding on Raw has driven Batista to go full-hobo. Tight clothes, loose clothes, Batista always brings the tasteless.
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Okay, on we go…
Best: Being Concerned About Things We Shouldn’t Be Concerned About
My “Batista is actually good” campaign doesn’t seem to be gaining much traction, probably because the guy only seems to be good on Smackdown. On Raw he stutters out lines about Randy Orton being the ASS of the company and people drooling on Stephanie, while on Smackdown he’s an excellent, swaggering, self-deluding super-heel.
Batista, dressed as Oliver Travis Bickle, kicked the show off in fine self-aggrandizing fashion, and then Triple H came out for a smirk-off. Batista said Triple H married his way to success and Triple H smirked, then Triple H accused Batista of being a lazy, cream puff movie star and Batista smirked. Usually this kind of insider burial stuff would drive me crazy, but when the two tearing each other down are all-round swell guys like Triple H and Batista, let ’em have at it I say.
My one issue with the opening segment was Triple H demanding that Batista bring the real Animal back — this is the real animal. Aside from that one Wrestlemania Undertaker match, Batista has always been the egotistical guy with the show muscles who’s kind of lazy and lacking in fortitude when the chips are down. That’s fine, that’s a good heel character, but I’ve never thought Big Dave was particularly tough or dangerous. He may weigh about as much as Brock Lesnar, but he ain’t Brock Lesnar.
Best: The Shield Can’t Stop Flipping
I’m still not quite used to The Shield being guys who can’t go 10-seconds without flipping onto somebody’s face, but I’m still enjoying it. I also enjoy that after their violent retribution on Raw, they were okay with just besting 3MB and Rybaxel in sanctioned tag matches on Smackdown. Even when they were bad guys The Shield were very respectful of the rules. They won all those six-mans fair and square, and I’m glad their switch to the fiery babyface side of things hasn’t turned them into Sheamus-esque violent, cheating buttholes. All this time we thought The Shield were seeking some sort of higher justice, but honestly I think they just really wanted guys to make proper use of the tag ropes. Rules rule!
Worst: Way To Screw Up The Easiest Job In WWE, Mistico
The original Sin Cara has been fired, which has to be about the saddest thing ever, because Sin Cara had the easiest job in wrestling. He never had to talk, he never had to carry a feud or storyline, he never had to have a match over three minutes — you can just feel Hunico beaming with joy from beneath that mask. He appreciates what a plum gig this is. Speaking of which, new Sin Cara beat Damian Sandow in a minute on Smackdown, a rousing victory that no doubt send hundreds of kids immediately running to the merch stand for Sin Cara masks. Easiest job in wrestling, Mistico (you dink).
Worst: Okay, Goldust And Fandango Have Proven They Can Play Together, Your Point Is Made
A couple weeks ago on Raw Goldust and Fandango were having an unremarkable match, then all of a sudden Goldust was bleeding from the temple, unable to go up for suplexes and looking like he wanted to mete out leathery old wrestler justice on Fandango.
Given how poorly that match went, you’d think WWE would avoid putting them together again, but nope! Instead WWE seems to be intent on booking Goldust/Fandango again and again until they learn how to play nice with each other. This match went much more smoothly than the initial Raw match, but it was still dull as s–t, so is it okay if we just say lesson learned and move on at this point?
Best: Are You Happy Now?
Batista/Sheamus wasn’t great, but it was solid — a good contrast between legit scary clubber-monster Sheamus and “don’t hit the face” Batista. Even the chairshot DQ ending wasn’t terribly galling. It felt like an extension of Batista’s cowardly character as opposed to a cop-out, and thankfully the match only went five minutes before the DQ instead of 10 or 15 as is often the case. Also the asshole area of Batista’s trunks remained intact when he did the powerbomb, so yeah, definitely could have been worse.
Worst: Nope, Still Don’t Care
Your sword has left a scar on John Cena’s soul that can never heal huh? Hmmm, nooo, I’m pretty sure you just turned out the lights, tied his arms in the ropes and gave him a free novelty sheep mask. I mean, I hope having your arms tied in the ropes doesn’t result in soul scarring — imagine the state of poor Andre The Giant’s soul if that were true.