Hey guys! We’re in New York this week…oh…wait, nevermind, we’re still in Pennsylvania, right? We made it out of England? Nothing about TNA’s schedule makes this confusing at all!
– I wrote a thing about my trip to Detroit to see Chikara. I love those guys the most, and hopefully you can understand why after reading it.
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This week on Impact: MVP loses his job, and a limo lurks outside. You won’t believe what happens next (except it is the exact thing you think would happen next).
Worst: Vel-Vel can’t sell-sell
I know I have a lot of ill will towards Velvet Sky. I can admit that. She seems likes a nice person, but also she’s terrible? She’s helped drag the idea that having your tits out and rubbing your asshole on the camera are the only things worth doing for a lady wrestler into the present, year after year, while others are fighting so hard to get over what we’re supposed to be here for: actual real-life wrestling. At this point I can’t even pretend to try to say positive things about her, so I usually just avoid it if I can. The things I’m going to be negative about are so glaringly obvious and don’t show any signs of dissipating anytime soon. Unless she’s being forced into a cage, or humiliated in a way that isn’t of her own device, there isn’t really a reason to point out how bad she is because she’s just always that bad. But then…then sometimes I just get so mad, y’know?
Like, okay. Besides her clotheslines or her bulldogs or her crummy finisher that looks bad even when the person taking it does their best to make the bump look credible, her collar-and-elbow tie-ups irrationally piss me off. Watch her in this match. Her and Gail circle the ring, like in any match, staring each other down and waiting to lock up to start it off. Gail comes at her, and we all know what she’s doing because assumedly if you’re reading a professional wrestling column this is not the only match you’ve ever seen (and if it is I’m real real sorry), but Velvet…velvet just kinda flails at her? She charges at her, sure, but the bent-elbows and locked-arm positions you’d expect her arms to be in are instead replaced by…Muppet arms? I guess that’s the best way to describe it? The skinny Muppet arms that Animal and Kermit have. I backed up and watched her come at Gail at least five times, and man, it does not get better upon closer examination.
It just kinda makes you wonder how we’ve allowed the bar to be set so low in women’s wrestling that no one is calling for Velvet to be fired after ten years of still not figuring out one of the very first things you learn in wrestling school.
But oh, be sure to pick up your copy of the 2015 Knockouts calendar as soon as you can.
Best: Taryn Terrell’s run
Now, on the other side of the coin, Taryn Terrell is also…not great. But she’s getting there. Visible effort makes a big difference (*cough smojoe cough cough*). But look at her run. Just look at it! Oh Hot Mess, I have hot-missed you.
Worst: Foil balloons? This IS important!
Wow. Look at that World Champion. Look at those three MEN. We know they’re men because they’re wearing suits and we’ve never seen those ladies before, but they sure are going to have sex with them I bet. I’m so impressed with everything that’s happening. This really does bolster my outdated ideas of masculinity and status.
I’m starting to wonder how good this roster could get if they spent less money on balloons, and more money on actual wrestlers (who also did not play with balloons).
Worst: Eric Young
You can’t fight City Hall. No really, that’s a real saying. But I don’t want to fight City Hall. I want to watch City Hall. What was up with that Anselmo guy anyways? I didn’t get that part. What about John Cusack? Some accent on that guy, huh? Remember when Bridget Fonda was a thing? Ohoohooho man, remember Single White Female? That Jennifer Jason Leigh, I’ll tell ya. You know, speaking as someone who was very recently crazy, if I weren’t a married man…wait, I’m still married, right? Is that still a thing? Anyways, Bobby Lashley, you total piece of crap, do you have a Netflix subscription, and if so, how do you think it compares to Amazon Instant Video?
Worst: But it’s okay, because Eric Young’s a real good guy
How many people screaming at us about what a passionate, important, beloved guy Eric Young is before we believe it? I’m pretty sure Impact is running out of people. Maybe next week we’ll get Daisy from marketing in the ring to shout about how one time back in Nashville one time Eric Young helped her change a flat tire, and always remembers to make more coffee when he drinks the last of it when he visits the office. I can’t wait to hear from the blonde Atlas Security guy about how one time Eric Young complimented his Hulk Hogan Halloween costume from a couple of years ago. Y’know, real solid proof that he loves wrestling more than anyone else in the history of leaving wrestling to make your own TV shows not about wrestling has loved wrestling. Or at least that he loves it more than all of these other wrestlers who have been wrestling just as long (or nearly just as long).
For people who love wrestling this much, they sure don’t do a heck of a lot of it.
Bonus lols: Bobby Roode claiming that TNA was respected before MVP showed up
Worst: You know who that is, Tazz!
Or…well, we kinda do. It’s a member of the Board of Directors! He’s here to strip MVP of his power so that Bobby Roode can assault him without consequence (a real thing that happens in real life and business). I was Voxing with Brandon during the segment, and in the middle of my thought just started shouting “who the f-ck is this white guy?” which, I’m pretty sure, should just be the real Impact Wrestling tagline from now on.
Best? Worst? What is happening?: Prelude to an X-Division Match
Knux is on the phone with…someone….they owe money to, and if they don’t get it, our mystery bad guy will dismantle the family business. Is…is Mother Nature on the phone? Does she travel around the country, insisting people call her Big Mama Nat, and bringing rain and hail down on people who can’t pay their loans? Were Auntie Em and Uncle Henry in deep over some cockfight bets?
Their plan to fix this, instead of, y’know, shoot jobs (I bet the Freak could totally hit up an LA Fitness for a personal trainer job), they decide that champions make more money because none of them have ever heard of Taylor Wilde. Crazzy Steve is set on challenging Sanada for the belt, but that draws the attention of DJ Zema and his glasses that would match my hair and that I might desperately want. He mocks that idea because it’s, you know, crazzy, but then TJ Perkins comes out? In his suit but not his mask? Man…that is wretched. I know I’ve said a lot about the unmasking of Manik and the retconning of his history, and I know TJ “becomes another person” when he puts the mask on, but ugh. Ugghhh. Stop it. Stop it! Masks are important. Masks have a tradition. You’re tacky and I hate you.
Best: Sure, why not, the X-Division match
I guess. Yeah. Okay. It’s not the best match, by a mile, but it’s not…horrible. It’s pretty fun. I like that triple dropkick a whole bunch, and Sanada’s bridge makes me feel a little funny. But it’s a title match, right? I mean, Sanada grants all of them title matches, but they’re not really…doing anything to lend it that gravitas, or tell a story. I mean, in the beginning Sanada kinda hangs back as the three challengers go at each other, and I had hoped that would be a theme throughout the match. But it’s not. Like…at some point these X-Division matches have to stop being about getting your shit in, and start being about an actual division with actual people with actual personalities and reasons to be there, yeah?
Best: Rockstar Spud
Oh, Spud. Dixie might be the heatseeker, but you are magical. How much better would Impact be if we had Spud in the background, silently reacting to everything? Or picture-in-picture Spud? Spud-o-Vision? I would pay for that. A monthly subscription service! And EC3 could show up sometimes. Maybe the BroMen…Sanada…oh shit, I just described Spin Cycle.
Oh well. Watch that too. It’s pretty great.
Worst: BEEEEEEYYYYYYOOOOOO, or however you make that firework noise
So Earl Sullivan Armstrong has let Dixie know that she will NOT be the replacement for MVP, which…seems kinda silly and weird. I mean, if Dixie is the owner, and the president, is she the CEO? Who does the board actually answer to? It’s not a publicly traded company, and if she’s the owner and has the controlling portion of the company, why doesn’t she have more power? Why do we have to bring in all of this business nonsense if we’re not going to accurately define roles and the regulations that come along with them? Anyways, it doesn’t matter, because our hero wants to put his boss through a table.
And that’s the other thing. Why is MVP suddenly so awful that he needs to be removed, but the female owner of the company you have been elected to represent is being stalked, harassed, and threatened with violence, but that’s cool? Earl Sullivan Armstrong you are right there and you aren’t doing a goddamn thing what the f-ck is wrong with you. Or were you on the phone calling a quorum about it because this is the first you’ve seen because you have literally no idea what happens in the company you help govern?
Bully tells Spud to “shut up, bitch” because again, he is the good guy who just wants to do good things, like follow a woman to her home, sneak in, and try to physically harm her. You know, ~just good guy things~.
What don’t you guys get?
Worst: The Slammiversary Rematch
If two men wrestle on a pay-per-view and nobody cares about it, do we have a rematch? As many times as possible, I guess.