Don’t worry, The Shield uses every part of a midcarder.
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Read on for the Best and Worst of Main Event: Friday Edition, er, I mean Smackdown…
Worst: The Great Debate
I like to love everyone who participated in Smackdown’s opening segment, but my goodness was this some horseshit. Last week I praised Triple H and Paul Heyman for saying nothing new in an entertaining manner, and this was the exact opposite — imparting zero information in the most grating manner possible. Colter and Heyman just spent the entire time yelling over each other and surprisingly neither had anything clever to say. Also, Heyman repeatedly shouting about Brock breaking the streak was amusing last week, but it was kind of a one-off thing. When I said I liked it, I didn’t mean that’s all I wanted Paul Heyman to do from now on.
Oh, and I’m still confused by this Cesaro thing. He wrestles like a face — he does all his flashy moves and gives the fans the swing, but outside of matches he’s still hanging around with Heyman and is, frankly, kind of a smug prick. Also, was I supposed to cheer for Zeb Colter during this segment? He got all the WHARS YOUR BALLS and WATCH YOUR WALLET AROUND THIS GUY lines they usually give good guys. Please, just make one of the talented men involved in this feud a non-butthole. Thanks.Subscribe to UPROXX
Best: Not Ideal, But I Can Deal
I dunno, I’ve sort of been fantasy booking a Real Americans break-up in my head for a while now. In my ideal world Cesaro is a superpowered Swiss mega face and being upstaged lights a fire under Jack Swagger transforming him into the bloodthirsty bone crusher he always should have been. In reality Cesaro has gone for this weird face turn fake out, and Swagger is his usual good, but only a quarter as good as he could be, self.
So yeah, this wasn’t the beautiful Real Americans blowoff match I envisioned, but it was still pretty damn good. I’m never going to complain about a match that contains two Cesaro M. Bison spinning uppercuts (including one from the top rope). Also, man, if Swagger continues slapping on the ankle lock in awesome, unexpected ways, maybe he’ll actually get to win with the move someday! Whoops, lapsed into fantasy booking again.
Best: Paige is Different
What’s this? A five-minute, slickly produced video package hyping up the Divas Title match at the next PPV? Michael Cole doing his weekly sit-down interview, something usually reserved for The King of Kings Triple H, with Paige? Paige’s screams being overdubbed with roar sounds like she’s friggin’ Brock Lesnar? I gave Paige a hard time for over-emphasizing her differentness a couple weeks back, but she is different, and not because she doesn’t have a tan.
Worst: And Now, a Tamina Match
So, after that awesome Paige hype package, I get to watch a Tamina match. Kiss my arse.
This wasn’t a bad match, but it was completely counterproductive. The point, I assume, was to make Tamina look like a badass by beating a veteran, but Natalya was so obviously working for two and controlling every aspect of the match that Tamina just came off looking hapless even though she won. Honestly a bad match in which Tamina kicks Nikki Bella’s face off again would have done far more for Tamina than this. Also, Jesus, Tamina’s new red pants are the Mark Henry Kool-Aid Man singlet of 2014.
Worst: Hey WWE, You Actually Have A Tag Team Division Now
Just sayin’ WWE. You have, like, multiple credible tag teams now. You could have them jockeying for position and earning title shots via #1 contenders matches. You could even have more than one team in contention for the titles at a time! It doesn’t always have to be “the only viable challengers beat the champs, then lose (or sometimes win) at the PPV” anymore! It’s not 2011!
Worst: Can We Go Back To This Being About John Cena’s Legacy?
In the past I’ve singled out John Cena’s Legacy as the most tiresome thing a feud can possibly be about, but no, I was wrong. The dirt worst, most boring, most awful thing two men could possibly fight over is John Cena’s oh-so-complicated relationship with the audience, so of course that’s what this interminable Wyatt/Cena thing is now about.
It’s so f–king dumb you guys. We’re supposed to care that John Cena, the man the fans have been booing for a decade, the man who’s given more, “Ya likes me or ya hates me” speeches than I can count is, gasp, losing the support of the audience. And this is somehow the doing of Bray Wyatt because he has a song-and-dance chant-along thing going that’s about a .1 on the Fandango scale. At least Fandango never begged as hard for the dancing as Bray begs for the singing. Sister Abigail take the wheel, because somebody needs to guide Bray the hell out of this feud.
Best: Rhodes vs. Wyatts
Don’t worry Luke and Erick, I may be disappointed in your daddy, but I still love and appreciate you guys. It’s not your fault he’s got mixed up in the wrong, jorts-wearing crowd. Anytime you and the Rhodes boys want to beat the shit out each other for my entertainment, you just go right ahead.