Clearly he wasn’t the stylist of The Shield.
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Worst: John Recap
Why does John Cena feel the need to come out and do these needless recaps of recent WWE storylines? He does it all the time. Does he think we’re not paying attention? I write 2000 words each week about f*cking Smackdown — I couldn’t possibly be paying more attention.
It’s not just that he has to exhaustively recount stuff everyone is keeping up with just fine, he has to give his recaps this “Boy, wrestling sure is stupid shit for jerkoffs, innit it?” edge. So, John runs through the last nine-months of WWE world title history, with the punchline being, “Geez, isn’t the WWE title picture a ridiculous clown show?” Then he runs through the guys in Money in the Bank and the punchline is, “People of various backgrounds and ethnicities are going to be competing for the WWE title, which is stupid and laughable!” His final punchline was actually a joke about punchlines — something about how he was going to line up everyone in the match and punch them.
I…what? What is happening here? Could this segment get any worse? Is Stephanie going to come out and barf on somebody?
Worst: Parade of Quips
Oh Jesus, please have Stephanie come out and barf on somebody — anything but this.
Somewhere in the dark, dusty recesses of Vince McMahon’s mind, he remembers audiences going crazy for segments where everybody in the main event comes out to jaw-jack with each other, but the ability to produce lively, unpredictable feeling television has long since abandoned him, so instead everybody just tromps down to the ring, recites one quip or catchphrase in a robotic manner, then stands around looking bored.
But wait, is that The Shield’s music (which Roman Reigns apparently got in the divorce)? What will the new Reigns float bring to the Parade of Quips? Well, nothing really. He pointed to the titles and said that he wanted them. Then Reigns went face-to-face with Cena and pursed his lips. Then John Cena took off his shirt. Huh, well, I didn’t expect this segment to go in this direction, but…oh no, wait, Reigns is punching Randy Orton now. Slashfic false alarm.
Worst: Have They Future Endeavoured The Wardrobe Department?
Okay, I get that The Shield got over while wearing real person clothes so they don’t necessarily want to transition the guys to sequined underpants now that they’ve broken up, but the wardrobe department is clearly out to sea when their usual short trunks, long trunks or “Big Bossman’s closet” options are taken from them.
I mean, this new look for Rollins — is he supposed to be Black Manta? Black Flag Manta? Did Vince have a change of heart as Rollins was passing through Gorilla and snatch the scuba tank and helmet off him? Brandon stole the Trinity joke in the Smackdown spoilers, but jeez, it bears repeating. Also, poor dude’s thighs must be in chafed agony after a 2-minute match.
Ambrose’s jeans and ladies’ tank top look is hardly any better. Acid wash, boot cut, belted jeans no less. I’m pretty sure I wear cooler jeans than Dean Ambrose, and I don’t wear cooler jeans than anybody.
Maybe just try giving Ambrose or Rollins some black trunks with their name on the butt. You know, just for laughs. See if it works.
Worst: Shut Up, Don’t Do That
I dunno about this Shield break-up. Layla/Summer Rae should not be the second most catty thing happening in WWE at the moment. Come on Dean, just admit you miss Seth — maybe that’s all he’s been wanting to hear all along.
Sometimes I doodle to take my mind off things, like, say, a terrible Smackdown.
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Worst: So, Bad New Barrett Is Ghana In This Metaphor?
This match was 90% the Dolph Ziggler show, which is weird, because Barrett is good! He can contribute! But most of this match was Ziggler elaborately setting himself up in the ropes, Barrett giving him a quick, unremarkable kick, then Ziggler ragdolling like a Goat Simulator NPC. Then Dolph Ziggler won with a sunset flip.
Did Barrett just lose because England lost in the World Cup? This is what happens when Americans start caring about soccer.