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– SITE NEWS #1: We’re going to be running a TLC predictions contest on Friday where you can drop a comment and win $250 bucks. It didn’t work out so well for us with Vengeance (thanks a lot, Mark Henry breaking the ring) but I’ve got to give that purse to somebody. Be sure to check back throughout the week for that.
– SITE NEWS #2: Next weekend is my girlfriend Destiny’s birthday, so I’m not going to be around for TLC or Raw reports. Thankfully I’ve got a lot of funny ass friends, so SB Nation and Baseball Feelings writer Bill Hanstock will be filling in with a Best and Worst of WWE TLC 2011 report and Progressive Boink and The Best and Worst of Smackdown Live-Blog’s own Justin O’Connor will be filling in on Best and Worst of Raw. They’re awesome, so read those and support them.
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– For further Raw reading, please consult UGO’s The Good The Bad And The Ugly and John Canton’s The WWE Raw Deal. They have slightly more positive outlooks on the show than me, but my report has pictures of A.J. (read mine first)
This show was three hours and killed me four minutes in, so I apologize in advance. Click through to enjoy The Best And Worst Of The Slammy Awards.
Worst: Four Minutes In And Hornswoggle Is Wearing An Afro Wig
So this is why they didn’t let Hornswoggle talk, he’s a tremendous racist.
Keep in mind while you read this week’s report that there’s an underlining co-Best and Worst of “badly written award presentation banter is always wretched, especially when delivered by pro wrestlers with the acting ability of Channing Tatum at best and a mop bucket at worst, but some part of me loves the predictable joshing back-and-forth”, but no, Hornswoggle in an afro wig speaking Ebonics so he can hang out with a black guy is f**king terrible and I just scratched “DSLR camera” off my Christmas list and replaced it with “take away Hornswoggle’s ability to speak”. I don’t know if I have to win a battle royal to make that happen or what.
I’m not even sure why the afro wig was there. It didn’t do anything except give Swoggle black people hair while he was doing facetious bro handshakes with Booker and trying to chest bump him but having a child’s body and being unable to do it on the first try. I assumed it was to set up Booker looking at him and saying “tell me I did not just see that” (as this was the “Tell Me I Did Not Just See That Moment Of The Year Award”) but it didn’t happen… Booker just smiled the fakest smile he could and soldiered through this weird prejudiced bear trap they’d set for him. That led to a “rap off” (because “black people”), and when you couple the first 16 minutes of the show with Lawler and Cole seriously making a “squash his head like a watermelon/heh, did you say watermelon” joke during a Mark Henry match, Jesus Christ. There has to be something more productive for black people to do in pro wrestling than being a rapping gang member on “urban” Internet pay-per-views or Stepin f**king Fetchit in the big leagues.
Worst: Cole Did F**k His Girl, J.R.’s Still Standing Here Screaming F**k The Free World
And speaking of “rap offs”, Michael Cole and Jim Ross battle rapping might’ve usurped Michael Cole and Jim Ross battle dancing as the very worst pro wrestling thing of the year. Remember when they had fake Rosie O’Donnell and fake Donald Trump wrestling? Imagine if they opened the show with a Rosie vs. The Donald rematch every week, and when they were done Rosie stuck around to yell about Donald for the remaining 115 minutes. That’s the hell we’re living through now.
Part of me thinks that if Jim Ross had remembered his lines and suddenly delivered the entirety of Backpackers in response to Cole it would’ve saved the segment, but the other 199 parts of me remembers that “this guy shouldn’t be able to rap, but he can!” stopped being funny circa The Wedding Singer and hasn’t recovered. J.R. needs to drop a Pipe Bomb at some point and interrupt a Michael Cole Challenge segment by saying, “this is the stupidest shit in history, bring out some wrestlers and stop wasting everybody’s time” and then leave, and not come back or respond until they’ve listened to him. It’d mean a hell of a lot more than “ice cream bars”.
Best: The Stroke-A-Roonie
I admit, I cracked a little when Jim Ross sold breakdancing like someone had just tased him. When he just fell back like that I thought he was having a heart attack. I think WWE might overestimate how much people enjoy seeing the spinaroonie. I think the last time I got excited for it is when I found out that’s how Booker T got up in WCW/nWo Revenge
Best: The Million Dollar Man’s Laugh
As bad as WWE comedy segments relying on two people we like just kinda standing there reminding us that we like them can get, I’m not heartless, I’m going to best a Ted Dibiase maniacal laugh. I feel like Ted Sr. is a woefully underused character in the WWE Universe, and I want to see segments where he shows up at a DiBiase Posse Party with a Wagner Char-King Imperiale and a waitstaff full of Hooters girls carrying trays of caviar or whatever and have Ted Jr. just go GAWD COME ON DAD and storm off. And I know they got paired up for a while, but I’m still depressed we never got an Aibileen/Constantine relationship out of Ted Jr. and Virgil.
Also, Mick Foley saying that Ted DiBiase is the richest man in the WWE Universe is interesting. I assumed he always had exactly one million dollars, and whenever he brought in new cash he had to use the surplus Brewster’s Millions style, which is why he was always goading kids into unwinnable challenges and stuffing dollars in peoples’ mouths. Vince McMahon is still a “billionaire” in WWE canon, right? But he gave away all his money, got divorced and died a couple of times. Alberto Del Rio has a palace and a bunch of hundred thousand dollar cars, but John Cena outed him as a renter, so there’s a chance he’s just being boastful and Ricardo is his only true employee, and that’s why they’re good friends. So is DiBiase richer than both of them?
Worst: Up Next, Dr. Howie Feltersnatch
I still think Big Show’s W.M.D. shirt with matching beanie makes him look like an Adult Humor Halloween costume. They should bring in an entire stable of guys in stupid gear like that they take seriously. Bring in Christopher Daniels and let him be the Priest With A Boner. It could be like when Batista was an evil altar boy, except we put candy in his donation plate.