The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/30/12, Guest Starring Bork Laser

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Please to enjoy the Best and Worst Of WWE Raw 4/30, with special guest star … oh, let’s say “Moe”.

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Best: Raw SuperShow Starring Brock Lesnar

I loved the simple continuity of having RAW SUPERSHOW’s ridiculous quasi-name made even worse with STARRING BROCK LESNAR added to the bottom in the appropriate fonts. They should keep adding sh*t to it every week until it’s DORITO’S LOCOS TACOS AND DIET MOUNTAIN DEW PRESENT THE PAPPY O’DANIEL FLOUR HOUR MONDAY NIGHT RAWSTLING OLD TIMEY VARIETY WORLDWIDE ENTERTAININ’ SUPERSHOW STARRING BROCK LESNAR, ALSO STARRING NICHOLAS COLASANTO AS ‘COACH’.

I was hoping we’d get “Shout At The Devil” as our entrance theme instead of Nickelback’s balls-out anthem to sh*tfaces, but whatever. At this point it’s feeling like Nickelback, the spinner title and Shawn Michaels’ hair are gonna be with us forever, no matter how much we hate them.

Best: Brock Lesnar Handles Triple H The Old Fashioned Way

WWE.com made the announcement that H was showing up, and I feared the worst.

At Extreme Rules, Raw and SmackDown GM John Laurinaitis had a mysterious phone conversation with Triple H. The GM promised to reveal the nature of their conversation when The Game comes to Raw SuperShow tonight. What will the two have to say?

I thought for sure we were in for 20 minutes of Y’KNOW SOMETHIN’ SHAWN and lots of sunken-necked general hand-pointing, so Brock Lesnar just kinda headmauling him to the ground and breaking his arm was a happy gift to me. I continue to enjoy the moments when Lesnar skips the formalities and just Brocks people to death, especially when WWE authority figures are trying to enforce the authority Brock’s spent weeks saying he doesn’t care for or respect.

I would’ve enjoyed it more without the temporary Triple H comeback and was ready with a whole paragraph of OH GREAT TRIPLE H WAY TO NEVER LOOK VULNERABLE YOU SHOULD FILM YOURSELF IN CHILDBIRTH SCOOPING A CHILD FROM YOUR WOMB EFFORTLESSLY AND HANDING IT TO THE DOCTOR AND SMIRKING AND CHOPPING YOUR CROTCH AT HIM stuff, but he ended up selling the kimura lock like a champ. I don’t know how much it has to do with Lesnar’s reported backstage temper tantrum stuff that’s all over the dirt sheets today, but if H is the kinda guy who’ll step in and say, “okay so we can’t make Cena sell or stop telling jokes, why don’t you break my arm and I’ll roll away screaming and we’ll do a thing where Sheamus stands near me and looks sad” he’s earning points.

Triple H versus Lesnar at SummerSlam is gonna play out a lot like Lesnar’s feud with Undertaker, though, I’m calling that right now. People remember the great Hell in a Cell where Lesnar destroyed him and threw him around, but they often forget the terrible pay-per-view BEFORE that where it ended in a double disqualification and Taker Muhammad Hassan’d him through the set.

Worst: Regular Updates On Triple H Throughout The Night

Jerry Lawler saying he could hear Triple H’s arm snap from where he was sitting (wearing headphones) was pretty amazing, but I could’ve done without the “whenever Poochie isn’t on screen the other characters should be asking hey where’s Poochie” aspects of the story.

They should’ve pulled a Zack Ryder and solemnly announce that H had died in the attack, only to downgrade it to “a broken half of body” later and “partially torn ligaments” in hour two. By the overrun H would be healthy enough to jog out with a bandage on his head and sledgehammer everybody.

Best: Kofi Kingston Is Fed Up With This World

Best/Worst: The Concept Of Beating The Clock

The Best for the Beat The Clock Challenge is for the sense of urgency it creates … far too often, matches on Raw happen and are forgotten and the wrestlers sorta sleepwalk their way through it with no direction or purpose. They’re just wrestlers wrestling on the wrestling show. With Beat The Clock, even something like Kane versus The Great Khali becomes purposeful, and every match on the show gets tethered to every other match on the show and we’ve got a narrative. That’s easy, effective booking.

The Worst is that you’re straight up encouraging the guys to have 2-minute matches. When the longest match on your show hits 4:30 and you aren’t GLOW, that’s a negative. Beat The Clock would work well as an ancillary thing built around two or three important, non-clock matches (especially when you have extra time on, say, one of the three hour shows), but as a booking device you end up getting a great match at the end of the show and knowing it’s gonna last three minutes or less. That’s hard to get excited for, especially when the matches just end when the timer runs out. They should probably still have to finish the matches, shouldn’t they? Is that how combat sports work?

Best: Eve Is An Executive Now So She Wears Glasses

I still don’t like Eve and I miss David Otunga like the desert misses the f**king rain, but I appreciate the ridiculous lengths WWE is going to to make Eve a deplorable character. Eve’s heel turn (which I’ll remind you was her saying three sentences to the Bella Twins, being called out by John Cena and called a bitch for 5 minutes) was super weak, so they’re overcompensating by making her every thing they think the WWE Universe would hate most, namely:

1. A woman

2. A person of color

3. Someone who is pretty and mentions that they’re pretty

4. Someone who is mean to babyfaces

5. “Manipulative” or “opportunistic”

6. Someone who stands near John Laurinaitis in the curtains and posters room

7. A person wearing glasses, which means they’re smart, which means they think they’re better than you

Add to that the fact that she’s been revealed as the person “censoring” Zack Ryder’s videos to make them less funny and you might as well film her smothering Faust’s village.

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