– Thank you guys for always taking a minute out of your day to drop a comment on these reports. I know I bug you about it in the pre-show notes a lot, so even if you just post “good jorb” down there it means a lot to me. Shares on social media are the only way to keep these columns circulating, so make sure you click the “like” button and share this week’s thing on Twitter. If we can get likes and Twitter shares going as reliably as the comments, we’ll really be somewhere. Don’t make me make you Tout again.
And now, the Best and Worst Of Raw 1001 (July 30, 2012), no longer lovingly presented by Tout.com.
Best: It’s Not A Pipe Bomb, But At Least CM Punk Is Telling The Truth Again
The reason I’ve been so hard on CM Punk on 2012 isn’t so much because I believe he could be doing “better”, but because Punk’s greatest selling point is how he conveys an honest thought. What made his feud with Jeff Hardy, run with the Straight Edge Society and initial criss-cross applesauce Promo Emeritus great were how truly honest they seemed, especially in a world (or Universe, I guess) where everything sounds heavily scripted and delivered by soap opera robots. When he started smirking at the camera and rerouting every conversation to I WANNA HEAR WHAT THESE PEOPLE THINK he sacrificed that honesty for palatability, and throughout the feuds with Jericho and Daniel Bryan it got worse and worse. The wrestling was good, but the truth was gone.
Last week’s jumping clothesline to The Rock didn’t fix everything, but it did help Punk abandon the slow talking, theater voice thing in favor of the subtle, well-spoken and (most importantly) honest wrestler we fell so hard for. He’s not completely there yet — his explanations to Jerry Lawler weren’t must-see television, and it’s almost like they’re scared to divorce Punk too violently from the crowd so ready to cheer for him — but it’s something, and it’s a step in the right direction.
The trick is to be quiet about the things that are bad by accident and shouldn’t be pointed out (Del Rio renting cars, for example) and honest about the things that are bad and don’t care (Cena’s dynastic reign, Jerry Lawler’s commentary, The Rock’s random check-ins).
Worst: AJ Lee As Stephanie McMahon
Or should I say “AJ Lee as Zack Ryder”, because I’m pretty sure I’m ready to turn on her.
It’s not AJ The Performer’s fault, but the quickest way to make me wish you didn’t exist is to be Stephanie McMahon — a grating, abusive authority figure who says one thing and does another to the rampant, unexplainable joy of the audience. Stephanie can say “only pathetic cowards talk about someone’s children, YOUR CHILDREN MUST BE ASHAMED OF YOU” with a straight face, then punch a guy suing her family for assault to cheers and face no consequences. When she debuted, she was a fresh, new character … an “everywoman” who didn’t look like a waifish fitness model with huge fake tits or an 80s-lady-wrestler-moving-into-the-90s like Ivory or Jacqueline. She was shy, cute, and you kinda-sorta cared about her well-being. She made a black wedding and a Mean Street Posse vs. Test feud some of my favorite Raw moments ever. That’s clutch. But then the machine took over, and she ended up the Super Jacked And In Charge Of Everything Lady H, a homogenized thing the WWE made.
I’m not calling AJ a Stephanie yet, but last night’s show was a really bad setp in that direction. She went from a fresh, compelling female character to another soulless WWE Authority Figure, someone who can very easily have complex reasons for doing what she does but DOESN’T because it’s easier to make triple threat matches and yell I’M THE BOSS at people. She was even dressed like a little Stephanie. All she needed to complete the look were giant implants and a hair crimper.
I’m very willing to Wait And See Where It Goes™, but I sure hope it doesn’t go to I’m a bitch and I’m in charge!
Best/Worst: Even Alberto Del Rio Knows It’s Time To Stop Squashing Santino
The fourteenth match in the Del Rio/Marella Best Of 27 series went to Berto, and it earned both a big Worst and two smaller Bests:
Worst: Honestly, as much as I love watching Santino get his snake arm put through the wringer, how many times do we need to see Alberto Del Rio beat him up? Santino being the United States Champion (a LONG REIGNING United States Champion, helpfully pointed out by Michael Cole) doesn’t even matter anymore. ADR isn’t Sin Cara, you guys, he can work with more than one dude. If you need him to skunk a lower level guy, let him do it to a guy who needs a moment on TV and doesn’t have a championship belt and a popular puppet apparatus to fall back on. Pretty sure Derrick Bateman would do a great job of dicking around with Berto for a minute before tapping out like a wiener.
Small Best #1: Del Rio basically said what I just typed after the match, announcing that he’s only wrestling important matches from here on out and won’t be competing again until SummerSlam. This would be a huge Best if Del Rio hadn’t already gotten 40 PPV title shots against Sheamus and had even a 1% chance of winning this one.
Small Best #2: That stomp Del Rio does where he builds up and jumps and brings the leg down at a right angle is one of my favorite things about wrestling. I could watch him stomp people all day. He’s always on the verge of going in too hard and slipping on them and falling on his ass. It’s great.
Best: Vince McMahon Finally Saw ‘Seinfeld’
Vickie Guerrero continues her 20-year Embarrassing The Widow Tour by engaging Brodus Clay in a dance contest and doing the Elaine Benes thumb dance 15-years after its relevancy, but like everything else she does, she did it with good humor and enthusiasm and made it work.
And honestly, shit, Vickie’s dancing is no worse than a fat guy making dinosaur hands in place before pointing at ladies and ripping off his pants. The only difference is that we’re supposed to like one and hate the other. You’re awesome, Vickie, and I hope Raquel Diaz becomes a big deal soon so you can finally go home and be a normal person and not have to be called a stupid old cow all the time to feed your kids.
Best: Damien Sandow All Day Every Day
Unsurprisingly, the best moment of Raw 1001 goes to Damien motherf**king Sandow for showing up to interrupt the dance contest, beating the dino-shit out of Brodus Clay (for real, with knees to the face until he couldn’t stand up anymore) and breaking his dumb jewelry. He even made a point to calm himself and conduct his entrance theme. Raw has a way of always being super terrible, but pushing through one shoot amazing character or thing to keep me tuning in. Right now, Damien Sandow is that thing. You’ve finally made it, Idol Stevens, and you didn’t even have to be “Lebanese Don Draper” to do it like I thought you would.
I’d love it so much if Sandow could actually win this feud, and not just get suplexed and splashed on the SummerSlam pre-show. I want him to do the same thing to Brodus next week and pin him, then grasp something random like he’s holding a chalice and explain that all you have to do to beat a big fat guy is take out his legs and knee him in the head until he stops moving. He should also point out that no grown man should wear dinosaur jewelry, put back on his Joey Gladstone robe and cartwheel/Hallelujah his way to the back where Josh Mathews is waiting to learn about Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
Worst: If You Haven’t Seen It, Here’s The Triple H/Brock Lesnar Video Package Three Times In A Row
Recaps of what happened “moments ago” in an era without Nitro on the other channel are stupid enough on their own, but there is never, ever a reason to show a previous episode’s segment recap video in its entirety more than once. Ever. Showing it during a pay-per-view pre-show and again before the match on the pay-per-view is pushing it. Showing it for NO RAISIN twice on a show where nobody featured in the video appears is creative atrophy and a shitty excuse to waste three minutes of your 180-minute show.
The Triple H/Brock Lesnar segment was bad enough when I had to watch it live last week. If you missed it (and you didn’t read most of that AJ As Stephanie McMahon section from the previous page), Triple H prodded Brock Lesnar until Lesnar snapped on him and broke his arm. H’s arm healed in about 20 minutes, so he challenged Brock to a match at SummerSlam, which Brock didn’t accept because he’d quit, and when you quit a job or get fired you don’t keep working there (John Cena, I’m looking in your direction). Brock sent a representative to Raw to explain the situation, so Triple H punched the representative. That led to a lawsuit, which Triple H dismissed by saying “lawsuits are GAY” and punching the representative again. Triple H says Brock Lesnar is nothing but a bully, then calls him names until he agrees to fight. Having been beaten up on multiple occasions, the representative says “stop hurting me and being a violent weirdo, your kids are gonna grow up to be crazy violent weirdos”, so Triple H goes full Taken and threatens to find and kill him if he mentions children again. This brings out Triple H’s wife, who insults the representatives children and beats him up again. This leads to Brock Lesnar showing up to make the babyface (?) save, only to be beaten up by Triple H.
Do you need to read that paragraph two more times in this report, or did you get it? I’m gonna reproduce it on page 5, for anyone who starts reading later.
Best: Daniel Bryan Is Anchoring Raw
I doesn’t really need to be pointed out again, but vanilla, no-personality-havin’ indy-darling Daniel Bryan is carrying the f**k out of Raw with not only a great 15-minute match, but with a series of segments relying on his personality and super over catchphrase to work. This is happening, and you shouldn’t ever take it for granted.
The “illusion of choice” thing WWE pulls when they do TABOO TUESDAY or CYBER SUNDAY or WIRELESS INTERNET WEDNESDAY has always bothered me. The idea is that we’re supposed to be making a creative decision about what happens on the show, but they only let us do it in one of two ways:
1. By giving us one really obvious, good answer and two terrible ones. This is what Taboo Tuesday was all about, and was some straight-up ‘Legends Of The Hidden Temple’ shit. During the question-and-answer round, Olmec would be like, “GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. WHO WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? GEORGE WASHINGTON OR A CUCUMBER” and sometimes the Silver Snakes trog would stand there thinking to himself and mumble cucumber, but most of the time they had a basic goddamn brain and answered it correctly. WWE does that with their options, too. TONIGHT VINCE MCMAHON IS IN A STEEL CAGE MATCH AGAINST ONE OF THREE SUPERSTARS. WILL IT BE
B) buff bagwell’s mom
C) STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
And my dumb ass goes and votes for Glacier, and the final tally is 0.1% to 0% to f**king 99.9% because most people are normal.
2. They do what they did last night and give you three options, but they’re all basically the same thing. DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE DIVAS IN A
A) A LINGERIE PILLOW FIGHT
B) A HIT EACH OTHER WITH THE SOFT PARTS OF A BED MATCH
C) AN UNDERPANTS SLEEPING BRAWL
The three options for Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan were a “No Holds Barred Match”, a “Falls Count Anwyhere Match” and a “Street Fight”. Option B lets you pin somebody on the floor, sure, but otherwise it’s just options A and C, which are f**king synonymous. What, No Holds Barred means Sheamus is gonna start throwing jumping piledrivers and a Street Fight means they’re wrestling in jeans? At least give us “cage”, “table match” and “falls count anywhere” so they can more or less work the same match and still let us pretend we’re voting on something.
Best: Sheamus And Daniel Bryan Beating The Shit Out Of Each Other
For the record, I voted for “No Holds Barred Match” in the hopes that Z-Gangsta would show up for random DVD cross-promotion.
The match itself was phenomenal, and one of the best matches on Raw this year. There wasn’t a lot to it other than Sheamus going from white to pink and Bryan going from clean-bearded to having spit in his beard, but it was two guys who are comfortable with each other in the ring hitting each other with feet and objects until one of them died. That’s great, and the only downside is that every single Sheamus/Daniel Bryan match between four months ago and infinity reminds me of how f**king robbed we were at WrestleMania. Again, it doesn’t ever matter if Daniel Bryan takes a pin if a bunch of great stuff happens in the match he loses.
But yeah, a fifteen-minute back-and-forth streetfight on Raw. If you’re going to have your top guys wrestle each other on free TV, Raw’s third hour gives you some breathing room to make it count. More of this, and less impromptu tag matches and #1 contenders things, please. Explore the story of a guy having to win more than one or zero matches to get a title shot!
Worst: “Uhhhhh I Think, THE ROCK!” – Tout
As expected, the way to get your Tout on Raw is to answer their question in the most basic way possible and say some catchphrases. If WWE asks, “Who is the greatest of all time, The Rock or Stone Cold Steve Austin?”, don’t say, “considering career longevity, success in a variety of styles and wrestling organizations, importance to WWE’s business history and ticket sales, not to mention their win/loss record against one another at WrestlesMania, Stone Cold Steve Austin is clearly better than The Rock”, say “THE ROCK CAUSE HE THE MOST ELECTERFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT IF YA SMALLALALALAOW WHAT ROCK IS COOKIN!” and stare at your screen until the Tout ends.