Based on last week’s episode preview for this week’s Total Divas episode, “What Happens in Cabo,” we’re about to dive into this Summer Rae/Eva Marie mess the same way the kid in Slumdog Millionaire dove into the feces tank. I remain steadfast in my belief that this show could be infinitely more entertaining if it made just one of these young women focused solely on wrestling without giving her any ridiculous side stories about being a pop singer, sleeping with Fandango, assaulting Nattie or trying to sell high end real estate. That one Diva should be Summer Rae, because she’s equal parts talented, hard-working and charismatic, and what’s that other word I’m looking for? Intelligent. Yes, that’s the word.
Instead, at least for the sake of this series*, she’s being shoved into this pathetic feud with Eva Marie, all because Summer Rae refused to tag her into a match. After all, Eva Marie is dangerously inexperienced in the ring and could easily hurt an opponent since she hasn’t even learned a camel clutch yet through two seasons of this show, but yeah – let’s all believe that the rest of the Divas really hate Summer Rae for protecting herself.
*Remember, I don’t really know about the feuds that are happening on the actual, current WWE shows, because when I do watch, I don’t pay much attention to the Divas, except for AJ Lee, because she and I are going to run away together.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – I will drop everything to come take care of her after her injury if she needs me to, even though this happened months ago.
2) Summer Rae – It’s baloney what they’re trying to pull with Summer Rae. You hear me, WWE? BALONEY.
3) Brie Bella – Still riding high in the default “Every remaining Diva is awful” spot on this list.
4) Nikki Bella – To show you how little I care about Nikki on a show that’s ideally supposed to showcase her and Brie as personalities outside of wrestling, I can’t even remember what she did last week.
5) Nattie – Poor Nattie.
6) Eva Marie – I f*cking loathe this road that I think we’re about to go down with Summer Rae and Eva Marie feuding on Total Divas, but she’s still not as bad as…
7) Cameron – The girl who brought Ray J on this show. If I didn’t make myself clear last week, Ray J is lower than a Kardashian.
Cameron is Worried About What Matters Most
Now that Naomi is out for an unknown amount of time with an eye injury, Cameron openly worried what this means for her. Sure, she expressed concern for her tag team partner and friend, but as she’s taught us so many times in the past, it all boils down to what brings in the Chingle Chingle. So as the WWE moves on across the Midwest and the Superstars and Divas deal with the biting weather of the winter months, we should all feel the most concern not for Naomi and her injured eye, but for Cameron, because without her “Boo Boo” she probably won’t see any ring action anytime soon.
Quote of the Episode
“That’s her face.” – Dr. Cameron, explaining why Naomi’s injury could be devastating to her career
In case you didn’t know, there are eyes and brains inside your heads, and they can get damaged and stuff happens. STUFF, people.Subscribe to UPROXX
The few moments that we get to watch of Naomi recovering at home and regretting the injury with her husband, Jimmy Uso, are sweet and endearing, as is everything else this couple does (with the exception of distracted driving). But her recovery and the quest for the WWE Divas Title mean nothing when there’s partying to be done. Spoiler, though: Naomi wouldn’t miss much time.
Old Rivalries and Bitterness Be Damned, Because the Mean Girls are Back
If you’ll recall the beginning of this series, the Bella Twins absolutely hated Eva Marie. Her body and that cartoonish red hair threatened everything that Nikki and Brie had worked so hard for in the WWE, as they didn’t care as much about being the best wrestlers in the Diva division, as much as they wanted to be known as the hottest. Priorities, people. A resolution to that Cold War-esque bitterness was never actually explained, because just like in the actual wrestling storylines, sometimes sh*t just doesn’t have to be tied up, okay? Instead, we fast forward to last night’s episode and find the Bella Twins actually complaining with Eva Marie that an idea for a Mean Girls clique never panned out. Suddenly, the Bella Twins and Eva Marie are very close. This doesn’t make sense, but it means everything, because…
Everyone’s Going to Cabo San Lucas Except Summer Rae
Summer Rae, as Eva Marie revealed, has burned all of her bridges with the other Divas and is therefore not invited to Cabo for Brie’s bachelorette party. As much as I complain about Summer’s raw deal on this stupid show, she’s no angel. After all, she went to Nattie’s house and physically assaulted her, so it’s understandable that Nattie might not feel comfortable around her. And thanks to the writers on this show, Summer has never apologized for that or tried to squash the beef between her and Nattie, so that’s one girl in the group explained. As for the rest? Well, Nikki was pissed at Summer because she “flirted” with John Cena, and Brie was mad because she went to Daniel Bryan to ask him about this so-called reputation that she had. But they forgave Summer because life’s too short and whatever. It really only comes down to Eva Marie being pissed that Summer didn’t tag her into a match because she refuses to learn how to not suck at wrestling, so if this is what we’re moving forward with – all of the other Divas taking Eva Marie’s side over Summer – this is really weak.
Anyway, Summer’s not going to Cabo. That’s her loss, because they have a bar at the airport when you arrive. ROAD SODAS! WOO GIRLS, LET’S GET CRAY! (And probably offend an entire country.)
Worst Quote of the Episode
“You know what we should do? We should get some board games.” – Nattie, on a bachelorette party in Cabo
Shut the f*ck up, Nattie. You’re the Gerry Gergich of Total Divas now.
Eva Marie has a Deep, Dark Secret
I feel like we already know that Eva Marie was an alcoholic, like it was revealed during the episode in which Cameron leaked her old nude photos to all of the Superstars. But I don’t want to go back and watch that episode again, because it may have been the worst hour of TV ever created, so I’ll just pretend like I’m shocked. OMG, Eva Marie is a recovering alcoholic? I had no idea!
Obviously, that doesn’t mix well with… BRIE MODE TIME!!!
Brie Mode, of course, is the hilarious and totally unique name that they’ve given to drinking alcohol. Millions of people do it, some responsibly and some like assholes, but none of them actually ever get Brie Mode. That is reserved to this group of Divas, as well as Brie’s friends from back home, whose names I will never learn. Except for Lexi. She seems fun. I predict a season 3 story that involves her in a threesome with Nikki and Cena. Did you know that Nikki and Cena like to have sex a lot? They do, they just haven’t mentioned it recently.
Through No Actions that We’ve Seen
“I super adore the girl,” Nikki said of Eva Marie to a group of girls that were in Cabo to celebrate Brie. Even the most meaningless, scripted nonsense on this show is poorly shoehorned into confusing moments. Great, we get it – Eva Marie is now everyone’s BFF because it helps move the anti-Summer plot forward.
Anyway, Back to Eva Marie’s Dark, Horrible Secret
This entire episode was basically a Wild On episode, like E! just brought in the old producers and had them bark orders at all of the girls to make sure they were drinking and showing their asses at all times, so that more luxurious resorts will give them free places to stay in exchange for exposure. At one point I wanted to go back and time all of the scenes that feature nothing but Brie’s friends drinking in the hot tub, because it was at least one-third of the episode. But there was one scene in particular (around minute 31) that I thought was the best, because they spent several minutes making Eva Marie “Ummmmmm” and “Uhhhhhhh” her way through what was supposed to be a suspenseful set up for her admission of being a recovering alcoholic. And then they just cut to commercial. It was like the third time in this episode that they used that device.
When she finally admitted that she doesn’t drink, the girls didn’t give a crap. Of course they wouldn’t. Instead, they all shared their own stories of struggle and whatnot, and it was all just a very poorly-established way of getting us to accept that Eva Marie is suddenly one of the girls. Just like with her cyst issue, the show wants us to now love and appreciate Eva Marie, despite all of her actions up to this point. This is cheap manipulation, damn it, and I’m not falling for it.
Nattie Thinks that Cena Will Propose to Nikki and Her Breasts
During one very poorly-placed moment in the hot tub, Nattie revealed that Cena is a better man and less of a playboy since he met and started dating Nikki, so that’s why she bet Nikki – she put her Divahood on the line, so everyone write that down – that Cena will eventually propose to her. In the literary world, they call this foreshadowing. What Nikki ended up revealing, though, is that she has been married before. Just like with Eva Marie’s drinking problem, I thought we already knew this, too. Maybe I’m living a Groundhog Day/Shutter Island scenario, and I’ve already watched this series a billion times, and in reality, I’m in a mental hospital somewhere in Maine, locked in a room by myself, where I write, “Brie Mode” over and over on the wall.
Only Brie has ever known about Nikki’s previous marriage, so she decided to let her whole family and Cena know, because her BFF Eva Marie was so brave in being honest about her drinking problems. Now, it needs to be pointed out that Nikki’s and Brie’s brother was wearing a tank top and flat-brimmed hat. That’s a recipe for a bro who is about to blow the f*ck up. Also, her dad wore a fedora. This family should be investigated by the FBI and CIA and NSA and DEA and OPP and LMNOP and any other organization that exists. So this is basically how it went down:
Nikki: I was married for three years a long time ago.
Tank Top Bro: John’s gonna be pissed.
Fedora Dad: I can’t believe this, but look at my hat!
Nikki: Sorry for lying.
Okay, here’s how it actually went down, but I’m basically right.
And that’s how 10-year lies are resolved in the Bella family.
On the Two-Part Season Finale… Ugh, Two Parts?
Nikki’s brother with the tank top is going to tell Cena about Nikki’s first marriage before she can, and Cena’s going to act really upset and conflicted about it. It’s going to be really lame and incredibly transparent, but let’s all agree to act surprised and concerned, okay?
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – I’m glad you’re better, boo.
2) Brie Bella – Her friends are all really annoying party girls, but they barely speak, so there are bonus points in that.
3) Nikki Bella – The terrible and stupid marriage reveal was so so dumb. SOOOOOOOOOO DUMB.
4) Summer Rae – The worst part about the writers inexplicably making Summer the girl that everyone hates is that I’m starting to hate her for it.
5) Nattie – Who the f*ck suggests Sorry and mini golf at a bachelorette party in Cabo?
6) Eva Marie – I don’t feel bad for her for anything. I won’t.
7) Cameron – I’m still really pissed about Ray J.