Here are your official, legally-binding predictions for Sunday’s WWE Money in the Bank 2014 pay-per-view event, airing live on that WWE Network account you’re borrowing from your friend. The show is headlined by money, and the bank in which that money is kept. We’ll be here all weekend with live coverage, results and the followup Best And Worst Of column, but until then, here’s what we assume will happen.
Your full (announced) WWE Money in the Bank 2014 card is as follows.
1. Ladder match for the abeyant WWE World Heavyweight Championship: John Cena defeats Randy Orton, Kane, Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Bray Wyatt, Cesaro and Roman Reigns.
2. Money in the Bank ladder match, aka The One For The Briefcase: Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Rob Van Dam
3. Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) vs. Naomi
4. Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. The Wyatt Family
A Big E vs. Rusev match is likely, but not confirmed on the hastily-updated Wikipedia page as of now, so we’ll leave it off. If you need a prediction for that one, it’s “Rusev urida, Rusev machka.”
Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. The Wyatt Family
What Should Happen: A title run of SOME kind would go a long way toward legitimizing the Wyatt Family. After a disastrous string of matches against Cena that simultaneously “made” Wyatt and established him as a hapless, pointless goober, Harper and Rowan crunching some dudes and winning championship gold could put the family in position for an entire new set of situations and stories. Bray as a weird manager/preacher/enforcer to these colossal hillbillies could pay forward his newly won legitimacy against folks like The Dust Brothers, and come on, tell me you don’t want Wyatt prophesying in the face of a gold starman. LET BRAY WYATT CUT PROMOS ABOUT INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL.
What Will Happen: I’m actually smelling a title change here. The Usos are fun and all well and good with their constancy of superkicks, but having them lose the straps and chase them for a while could make things interesting. They really haven’t had any character development beyond that one backstage promo where they acted crazy.
The other viable option is a DQ finish to build to some kind of stipulation at Battleground, which I’d be okay with. Of everything on the show, this is your guaranteed “good match.” Assuming you don’t think people awkwardly falling off ladders is catch-as-catch-can.
Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) vs. Naomi
What Should Happen: What’s the best story to tell here? Paige hasn’t yet gotten a story to justify her first title reign or tell Raw and Smackdown crowds what she’s about, so I don’t think she should lose. Cameron and Naomi are in the middle of a breakup story, with Cameron getting repeated title shots and tanking them all. I guess the best option would be to have Cameron cost Naomi the match, Paige tap out Naomi to the PTO and let the Funkadactyls explode on their own time.
What Will Happen: I’m always afraid of the Divas Championship becoming a prop on Total Divas, so my natural pessimistic prediction is that Naomi wins, Cameron jumps her after the match and we get a Funkadactyls title feud nobody asked for as the backbone of season 3.
Money in the Bank ladder match, aka The One For The Briefcase: Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Rob Van Dam
What Should Happen: The Shield reuniting. Follow me here.
WWE’s title scene for the last year has been Hunter and Stephanie deciding who should be champ, who deserves it and who is physically beautiful enough to be the “face of the company.” The Shield worked with The Authority for like 85% of their time in WWE. They suddenly turn face because they don’t like how the Authority’s middle management is operating, and that bleeds into them directly feuding with Trips and Evolution. The Shield beats Evolution repeatedly, and then suddenly Seth Rollins turns on his friends to join the losing team. Why? He claims it’s to “evolve” and get better opportunities, but he’s in a secondary ladder match while Roman Reigns is in the main. Ambrose keeps jumping him, causing disqualifications (disqualification VICTORIES, mind you). Ambrose demands to be in the MITB match. Rollins tells the Authority that they HAVE to put Ambrose in the match so he can “watch him.”
Here’s what needs to happen: Rollins and Ambrose need to work together to win the MITB briefcase. Once that ruse is revealed, they can show up together in that no DQ main-event ladder match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and help Roman Reigns win it. Then, guess what? The Shield holds the top prize in the land AND the only plot device that allows The Authority to put jerks like Randy Orton in power on a whim. Game, set, match.
What Will Happen: Kofi Kingston will win and start an epic rise to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Just kidding. Give it to Ziggler, and have him realize he needs AJ Lee and Big E on his side if he’s gonna get back to where he was the last time he cashed in.
Ladder match for the abeyant WWE World Heavyweight Championship: John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Kane vs. Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Cesaro vs. Roman Reigns
What Should Happen: The Shield scenario I discussed above. Failing that, Kane’s an interesting choice. If you need to feed the championship back to Daniel Bryan, the easiest way to do so is to have Kane win the championship here in screwy, gimmicky fashion and run them into each other at Battleground when Bryan is better. Or hell, hold it off until SummerSlam if he isn’t.
What Will Happen: Money in the Bank going off the air with John Cena holding up two championship belts and looking really surprised about it.
What are your predictions? Let us know in the comments below. See you Sunday for the open discussion thread, and again on Monday for the lengthy column about how wrong all of this was.