Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro: Bash at the Beach ’97 happened, and featured rare WCW events like a Kevin Sullivan vs. Chris Benoit match, Jeff Jarrett hitting Steve McMichael with a metal briefcase, the nWo winning and all WCW babyfaces looking like total idiots. A show like that may never happen again!
Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You can catch up with all the previous episodes of WCW Monday Nitro on the Best and Worst of Nitro tag page. Follow along with the competition here.
Remember, if you want us to keep writing 20-year-old WCW jokes, click the share buttons and spread the column around. If you don’t tell them how much you like these, nobody’s going to read them. People need to know about the time Booker T made a hat for himself at the mall.
And now, the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro for July 14, 1997.
Worst: Look Upon The Nitro Girls, Ye Mighty, And Despair
You know what Nitro needed to really put it over the top? A mash-up of the Spice Girls (if they couldn’t sing) and the In Living Color Fly Girls (if they had no rhythm) that mostly seemed like Eric Bischoff went to the hot pants section of a Nordstrom’s that afternoon and sweded a dance troupe.
Meet the Nitro Girls, or what happens when Kimberly Page convinces a media conglomerate that she can dance and nobody ever asks her to prove it. They’re supposed to dance during commercial breaks to keep the crowd interested, because they old commercial diversion — a NASCAR-themed cat mascot named “Wild Cat Willie” — didn’t create enough boners. There’s Tayo, the black one; Chae, the Asian one; Kimberly, the white one; AC, the white one; Spice, the white one; and Fyre, the white one. If you watch them dance, they’re all the white one.
They get an introduction at the top of the show from Michael Buffer, who is probably THRILLED that he gets to open the show with “let’s get ready to rumble,” pocket his ten grand or whatever and bail before the first match starts. It took him longer to put on his tuxedo than it did for him to make five figures. Kimberly trots out to intro the girls, but the microphone doesn’t work, so these enthusiastic Stranger Ladies are forced to enter in silence.
Their first number is a “synchronized” chair dance, and I’m not sure quotation marks are sarcastic enough to describe the event. Even with the music playing you can see and hear them talking to each other, and the meat of the routine is (1) them walking around in circles, playing musical chairs, and (2) leaning back on the chairs to spread their legs. You know a dance troupe sucks at dancing when their debut number is just walking and sitting. Here’s their full intro, if you hate yourself:
They show up later in the hour wearing hot pants, confirming my Nordstrom’s theory, and again to do a “dance” that’s literally them standing still while putting on sunglasses. And they wear shiny jackets. Like, imagine if The Matrix was about mannequins who come to life, but really slowly. That’s the Nitro Girls.
Good Things The Nitro Girls Gave Us
– Stacy Keibler
– that time Alex Wright tried to join them
– Sharmell, when she was a queen with King Booker
– Shawn Michaels married a Nitro Girl named “Whisper” who got punched in the face by Chris Jericho during one of the best angles and rivalries ever
– This Wikipedia description of 2000-era Nitro Girls “Gold” and “Silver”
The sisters were cast as the Coors Light Twins in 2002. The sisters have appeared as regular cast members on Steve Harvey’s Big Time Challenge, as the Big Time Twins. They appeared in full makeup, and with CGI animated tongues, as alien strippers in the series premiere of Star Trek: Enterprise.
Terrible Things The Nitro Girls Gave Us
– all Nitro Girls dances
– all Nitro Girls angles, especially when “Beef” joins
– Sharmell, when she was one half of objectively the worst pro wrestling match ever
– after WCW folded, the Nitro Girls minus Kim became “Diversity 5,” one of the worst-ever attempts at a pop group, featuring one of the worst-ever pop group names.
Best: Alex Wright And The Giant Dick
I’ll let you guess what the last word is.
This week’s opening match is Alex Wright versus Prince Iaukea, a real showdown between a man with an impressive dick and a man who can’t wrestle for it. To illustrate, I’ve provided this image:
If Das Wunderkind had tried the Joey Ryan YouPorn Plex he would’ve torn off Iaukea’s arm at the shoulder.
Wright and Iaukea just kind of aimlessly start punching each other, and before you can say, “hey, it’s like they didn’t even bother to put a match together,” The Giant shows up. He chokeslams the referee, chokeslams Prince Iaukea and threatens Wright out of the ring. Six security guys show up, and The Giant chokeslams them all.
For some unexplained reason he’s mad that at Bash at the Beach a seven-foot tall guy with a beard showed up dressed like Sting, stepped over the top rope and baseball-batted him in the spine. The best part is that when we see the replay, the announce team is finally like, “hey, so upon reflection, this isn’t Sting and is actually very obviously Kevin Nash.” I wish they’d start announcing retractions at the top of every Nitro. Also, a brief recap of what happened when the show went off the air in the middle of something exciting happening.
Anyway, the point is that The Giant promises he’s going to beat up Kevin Nash. Which will be a problem, because, and this may shock you …
Worst: Kevin Nash Is Injured*!
*not really**
**probably really but it’s part of an angle
Somewhere in the middle of a match that had nothing to do with them, a limo pulls up to the arena and out pops the New World Order, wearing embarrassing dad shorts from the Sears For Giant Men collection. They have two announcements: that Konnan is officially a member of the nWo, and Kevin Nash is so injured he’s confined to a wheelchair and could not have possibly been the 7-foot-tall, Kevin Nash-ish imposter Sting.
Members of Harlem Heat are supposed to have a “ghetto street fight” against Hall and Nash later in the show, but Syxx ends up filling in for Nash, and the match gets downgraded to a “nondescript neighborhood regular match.” It’s important to note that when this challenge was originally laid out, two things were strange about it:
- Booker T was wearing a Harlem Heat hat, which he definitely got at a print-on-demand gift shop at Myrtle Beach, and
- They explain that they kicked out Sherri and Vincent can’t join the group because they “ain’t Lee Harvey Oswald” and “this ain’t 1962.” First of all, Kennedy was assassinated in November of ’63. Second of all, is he saying that if they let Virgil wear some flame pants they’d have to plan a murder? Third of all, what
As you might’ve guessed, Harlem Heat loses their one kind-of match with The Outsiders when Nash is miraculously well enough to jump up from his wheelchair, climb onto the apron and hammer Booker in the back of the head. Honestly I think the injury made him more agile. Was it a ghetto street fight because the rich, influential white people who can do whatever they want and face zero consequences cheated to keep the black guys from succeeding?
The nWo lost the main event at Bash at the Beach and looked vulnerable for a second, so this Nitro is a solid two hours of them teabagging WCW and reasserting their dominance.
Worst: Quoth Nothing, Never!
Despite Stevie Richards’ announcement at Bash at the Beach that there’d be an announcement on Nitro, Raven announces that the announcement is that there is no announcement. And that you should quote him nevermore. So don’t quote that he said he’d say nothing!
Best: 0.0 On The Muta Scale
In one of the most random-ass Fire Pro matches you’ll ever see, Public Enemy took on Masahiro Chono and The Great Muta of nWo Japan. WCW’s use of these tippy-top-level New Japan guys is so crazy. Like, imagine today if WWE announced they’d brokered a working relationship with New Japan and would be doing a talent exchange, then brought over Tanahashi and Okada in exchange for Darren Young and Otis Dozovic. Now imagine that when they got the two biggest stars in New Japan, all the ever did with them was have them wrestle American-style tag matches in the middle of Raw against R-Truth and Curt Hawkins. And the only reason they’re on the card at all is to get the crowd to chant “USA” and side with whoever isn’t Japanese.
The crowd’s super into it, too, because a couple of paintless Juggalos in hockey sweaters with shit like “NAUGHTY MACDADDY” on them are preferable to the two coolest Japanese dudes of the 90s, a guy who kicks you so hard it represents the ENTIRE MAFIA and his partner, a legendary poison-spewing ninja genie who kicked Sting’s ass for years.
Muta and Chono win by Dilophosaur’ing Johnny Grunge in the face and kicking it. This GIF of Dramatic Muta’s “bitch please” face has been popping me since I made it.
Best: Vicious And Delicious
Speaking of great reaction GIFs, pay attention to Nick Patrick’s face when Buff Bagwell slaps Scott Steiner.
That is some straight-up Mr. Belvedere-ian acting with the “oh BUFF” and the slow backing up.
I remember really liking Buff Bagwell a lot at one point, but by the time he showed up slashed sank WCW forever on Raw, I couldn’t remember why. It’s actually really nice to see Marcus Alexander Bagwell become fully-realized “Buff” again, because it’s very, very obvious why. Buff Bagwell owns during this part of his career. He’s SO INTO IT. After every successful move, he does a full taunt and pose, often directly into the camera. When he gets hit with ANYTHING, he sells it like he took a Sweet Chin Music and gets indignant about it. He’s this weird wet blood-red gigolo man who won’t stop exploding with emotions. And he’s partnered with SCOTT NORTON, the polar opposite, a guy with the body and power of that giant boulder from Indiana Jones who is ostensibly a heel, but mostly seems like he’s there to collect a paycheck. Imagine if Dan Connor from Roseanne won the Over The Top tournament and decided to professionally fight people alongside a human-sized Scrappy-Doo. They’re the best.
They have a really fun house show-style tag match with the Steiners, too, which is sadly interrupted by the nWo limo scene. I guess Bagwell and Norton had to cab it. When we come back from the aside, though, Scott Norton is going HAM on the Steiners. It’s so good. He even hits a tornado DDT. SCOTT NORTON.
Chono and Muta run out and interfere, causing a disqualification and, I’m assuming, trying to set up two concurrent number one contender matches for the Tag Team Championship. The Steiners manage to fight off four guys, because they’re en route to definitely not winning the tag belts in Sturgis. Don’t worry, though. Their day will come, and in like six months Scotty decides he’d rather lift weights and scream insane shit than hang out with his brother anyway.
Worst: Lee Marshall Phones It In
I think Stagger Lee is running out of weasel jokes, because this week’s 1-800-COLLECT Road Report is especially weak. He’s in Jacksonville, you see, which is the home of Pat Boone, Christian pop crooner of the 1950s and 60s. This is during that weird time in the 90s when Boone released an ironic (?) heavy metal album, so Lee says Pat turned down a metal song called “Whippin’ the Weasel.”
My theory is that Lee is still shook from Bobby calling him “Tony Orlando” last week and got scared.
Best: La Parka, Man Of Mystery, Or
Worst: La Parka Just Pawn In Game Of Life
Last week’s show featured one of the best swerves in Nitro history, with Diamond Dallas Page dressing up like La Parka to get the jump on the Macho Man Randy Savage. This week, Kimberly hangs out on the stage and makes a Diamond Cutter symbol behind La Parka’s back to make everyone wonder if, you know, Diamond Dallas Page has decided to once again cosplay La Parka and wrestle his throwaway Nitro match against Super Calo. Because that seems like the best use of Diamond Dallas Page’s time.
Before the match can end the way you’re expecting — with Calo causing one or both of them to break their necks, and La Parka trying to murder him for real with a chair — Macho Man runs out and beats up La Parka out of paranoia. While he’s doing that, DDP runs down to the ring and gets the jump on a preoccupied Savage. Then, because this is WCW and we cannot be happy for even a second, Curt Hennig, the man who turned on Page a night earlier at Bash at the Beach, jogs down to punch Page in the face with the dreaded TAPE KNUCKS, WCW’s strongest non-women’s-shoe weapon. Jim Duggan really should’ve taken the time to make some tape knuckles before his matches instead of trying to DIY them on the fly.
Worst: Ric Flair Is Still Extremely Stupid
I’m starting to think that Ric Flair legitimately went senile for a period in the 90s. From the 6/30/97 Nitro report:
The funny thing here is that despite [Jeff] Jarrett being on Double Secret Horsemen Probation, Flair shows up to help him get leverage on a figure-four and win. As a reminder, despite having spent MONTHS accidentally hitting each other with metal briefcases and passive-aggressively feuding over Debra, Jarrett got put on probation for hitting Mongo with the briefcase and costing him a match against Kevin Greene. Kevin Greene, the guy Flair had been teaming with for the past couple of months, despite having given Mongo a briefcase full of money so he’d turn on Kevin Greene and join the Horsemen. On Nitro, after helping Jarrett win and retain the only championship the Horsemen have, Flair kicks him out of the Horsemen.
The man Flair wants to replace Jarrett with in the Horsemen lineup is Curt Hennig, right? From that same report:
While Sting is cleaning house, the announce team clutches their pearls because Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig has arrived on Nitro. He’d be a great choice as DDP’s partner. The last time we saw him was late last year on Raw when he was pretending to be Marc Mero’s mentor, tricking Mero into putting the Intercontinental Championship on the line against Hunter Hearst Helmsley, then helping Helmsley win it.
At Bash at the Beach, Hennig turned on his tag team partner at the first sign of trouble, attacking him and leaving him to get beaten up by the nWo. On this episode of Nitro only moments before this interview, Hennig attacked Page from behind and hit him in the face with a foreign object, causing him to once again get beaten up by the nWo. Ric Flair’s stupid bird-feather-headed ass shows up and is like, THIS GUY IS THE GUY I TRUST, THE GUY I LITERALLY WATCHED HELP THE NWO BEAT UP THE BEST WCW GUY TWICE IN THE PAST 24 HOURS.
I don’t want to spoil this for anyone who isn’t up on their WCW history, but Jesus Christ, of course Curt Hennig turns on the Horsemen to join the nWo. He’s not even being subtle about it. He could’ve shown up in a black and white shirt with N W QUESTION MARK on the front and Flair would’ve been like, “thank goodness that ain’t an O, let’s go fuck some moms!”
At Least The Other Horsemen Are Doing Well
OH MY GOD CHRIS BENOIT WHY ARE YOU LETTING MIKE ENOS GANSO BOMB YOU ON NITRO. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
Best/Worst: All The Horsemen Are Dumb, It’s A Rule Apparently
Later in the episode, Flair gets a United States Championship match with Jeff Jarrett for … kicking him out of the group a couple of weeks ago? I don’t know how it works. Anyway, the match is honestly really entertaining thanks to the presence of FIRED-UP PERVERT Ric Flair, my personal favorite version of Flair. I’ve written about it before, but the best Flair ever is is when he stops being good at wrestling or telling 1970s and 80s-style NWA match stories and just dances around the ring obliterating everything that makes with dick-blows. It’s just chops and low blows, non-stop. He will make your chest AND your crotch look like raw meat.
The best moment of the match is this image, in which Debra instructs the camera to get a closeup of her so she can explain why Jarrett’s great. Meanwhile, Jarrett’s getting his balls uppercutted into his throat in the background. The worst moment is that the Horsemen run down to beat Jarrett up, but only when Flair’s about to win the match with a figure four. The match for the United States Championship. They could’ve waited like, three seconds to not only beat Jarrett up, but like, hurt his career. Instead, Mongo just walks into the ring and stomps him to cause a DQ. Couldn’t you guys have done this anywhere else? I … I don’t know, I think maybe the Horsemen got lobotomies at some point and were too close to the Dungeon of Doom guys for too long for anyone to notice.
Best: Los Guerreros Estallan
Before I say anything about the match, I want to say how much I love this screengrab. Not only is Eddie Guerrero getting backdropped into the goddamn stratosphere here, if you flip the image upside down it looks like Eddie’s backdropping Chavo.
Over the past few weeks, Eddie Guerrero has been acting like the worst uncle ever by manipulating his nephew into fighting his battles for him, then getting mad at the nephew for not being good enough to win them. Last week, he walked out on a tag match with Vicious and Delicious and left Chavo to get his ass beat, but stayed on the stage to watch it happen.
This week, they have grudge match that only lasts a few minutes, but it’s HOT. Chavo actually seems like he wants to kick Eddie’s ass for manipulating him and bailing on him, and Eddie turns the condescending superiority up to 11. At one point he makes the cameraman get a closeup so he can yell SAY HELLO TO GRANDMA in Chavo’s face, yell HI MA into the camera and punch Chavo in the mouth. Then, as soon as Chavo starts to get an advantage, Eddie’s on his knees doing prayer hands. It’s awesome.
The finish makes a lot of sense, too. Chavo starts doing really well by hitting Eddie with suplexes he’s not expecting, but when he has him on the ropes, he goes for a frog splash. I don’t know if you’ve watched Chavo Guerrero do a frog splash at any point during the last 20 years, but he’s terrible at it. He certainly can’t do it to EDDIE, so Eddie gets up the knees and hits two of his own in response.
After the match, Eddie Guerrero from the future travels back in time to tell his past self to please stop doing drugs.
Best: Master Of Disguise
This week’s main-event (segment) is Lex Luger formally challenging Hollywood Hogan for the WCW Heavyweight Championship at Road Wild Pay-Per-View® in Sturgis. Guess whether or not that match happens as announced!
After he makes the challenge, the nWo surrounds the ring. The imposter Sting shows up again and gets in the ring, and one of the best things that semi-regularly happens in wrestling happens for the first time: we find out that it’s actually STING. DRESSED AS STING.
I can’t tell you why this is great, honestly, but it’s always great. You may have seen the time he fooled Rob Van Dam by just wearing a Sting mask over his Sting paint, which is sorta like if Mike Trout tried to fool the Angels by wearing a second Angels hat over the first one and standing in center field.
This is where the episode ends, too, so I guess WCW’s big plan to destroy the nWo right now is, “dress up like ourselves and others so they’re never sure who they’re wrestling.” The nWo’s counter plan is, “never wrestle, and if we do, win easily.”
Next Week: Ric Flair announces a new member of the Four Horsemen and then immediately turns on him, a skeleton fights a different skeleton, and the match that will eventually kill WCW happens four years early. See you then!
