Last week we gave you some of the most bizarre quotes heard from the original Survivor Series in 1987. Tucked inside that post was a cranberry sauce-sized small serving of that beautiful, legendary, holiday-specific Ted DiBiase promo:
“While you poor people out there are polishing the few pennies you have left after splurging on Thanksgiving Dinner … ” is how the best holiday-themed heel promo package I’ve ever seen, courtesy of Ted DiBiase, began. What followed was his greatest hits of being a total jerk.
On this special day, however, we’re diving into this promo like the main course it is. We’re pulling up to the table and pulling quotes in order to set ourselves up for the most success possible this Thanksgiving season.
The clip starts off with Jesse “The Body” Ventura saying that out of all the people in the world, he would most like to see how the Million Dollar Man spends his Thanksgiving.
I don’t know Jesse’s life, but I think the power rankings for this particular list would be topped by Andre The Giant for the sheer amount of food he could take in, followed by Bobby Heenan just for how diverse his family is. Imagine the spread in front of Andre. Imagine the chatter at the Heenan Family table. There’s a 100 percent chance it’s more interesting than anything our families are talking about on Thanksgiving.
Anyway, gather the family ’round the laptop and chew on this masterpiece. For dessert, we’ll extract Thanksgiving lessons to live by, simply doing the opposite of what DiBiase does.
Work Hard, Be Thankful
First up, DiBiase explains how in order to survive, you don’t have to work hard and be thankful. What it really takes to survive, he says, is money and tons of it. Setting aside the fact that this is not true in any professional wrestling context (DiBiase was not a Survivor at Survivor Series 1987 because he did not participate), note that many people are surviving Thanksgiving this year without having tons of money. Very few people have tons of money, in fact. If you are one of those people, don’t listen to Ted here – work hard, be thankful.
Do Your Best
The kid who couldn’t complete all 10 pushups did his best (he said so himself!) but it wasn’t enough to get the $300 DiBiase promised. To be fair, a deal is a deal. But also a kid is a kid — this holiday season, if you tell a kid you’ll give them $300 if they complete 10 pushups and they come really close, maybe still break off a Benjamin for them. At the very least, don’t laugh at them for trying their best.
Don’t Assign Dollar Values To The Way People Look
Perhaps the worst (best) line of this promo is when the Million Dollar Man tells this kid that his family could probably use a lot more than $500. The kid may not have been able to dribble the ball 15 consecutive times (technical foul: Ted DiBiase for kicking the ball away from the little guy) but did you know that kid grew up to be Shaun Livingston, NBA player and world champion? I made that up! But don’t be like Teddy here — assigning dollar values to the way people look is terrible.
Don’t Indigestion Shame People
Indigestion affects a lot of people, especially around holiday times when celebrations are centered around food. But a lot of people have issues due to problems in the upper digestive tract, like acid reflux disease. What I’m saying here is don’t make fun of people for stuff that’s going on inside their bodies. Especially when everyone is putting way too much stuff in their bodies all at the same time.
In conclusion, the greatest Thanksgiving heel promo of all time serves as the perfect playbook for how NOT to act. We should all be thankful for what DiBiase has given us here. So remember, as you maneuver your family around the Thanksgiving table, don’t be like Ted.
