Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live: We had a Money in the Bank pay-per-view, and Smackdown won [checks notes] nothing! Absolutely nothing! Stupid! You’re so stupid!
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for June 19, 2018.
Worst/Best: A Tale Of Two Shows
The most important thing you need to know about this week’s Smackdown Live is that it’s two very different one-hour shows. The first hour feels like the forgotten second hour of a post-pay-per-view Raw, where the only ideas they have are “kill time” and “do whatever we did on Sunday on Tuesday.” They love to call it the “fallout” from a pay-per-view. It’s usually just rematches, or angle re-dos.
The most egregious of these is the show opening Mellabration™ featuring Smackdown Women’s Champion Carmella and her chinless Pidgeotto James Ellsworth, now known as “Ellska.” At Money in the Bank, Carmella defeated Asuka when Ellsworth showed up wearing Asuka’s clothes, and Asuka was stunned into a lobotomy-esque shocked silence for like a full minute because of it. Carmella kicked her in the general area of the face — somewhere about six inches to the right, if we’re being honest — and retained. On Smackdown, Ellsworth distracts Asuka again, and Carmella kicks her in the face again. It’s literally the same segment without the match or surprise.
On the rematch tip, we get The Bludgeon Brothers defending the Smackdown Tag Team Championship against Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows, which you may recall was the Kickoff match on Sunday. One of the WWE’s weirdest quirks is having a challenger challenge for a championship, lose, and then get a “rematch” on the next show. That’s not really how title challenges should work, is it? The champions can get a rematch, sure, but if a champ beats a challenger, why on Earth are challengers entitled to a second shot? It’s just boring and lazy, and why you should have more than three tag teams.
The only thing constituting a fresh match-up in hour one is Becky Lynch vs. Billie Kay, which serves to give Lynch a strong win after having her look like a goober again at Money in the Bank. Becky Lynch is basically the Smackdown version of Bayley without the dark cloud of depression hanging over her. The IIconics get a little mic time before the match, which is nice, but that’s pretty much it.
One thing I like about the IIconics is that when they’re together they’re formidable, but when they’re alone, they’re a lot easier to beat. You can defeat Billie Kay in 7-10 with an arm bar if you make sure Peyton Royce isn’t getting involved. The IIconics are like the tag team version of Kurt Vonnegut’s Slapstick.
Just gonna let that reference linger for a bit. Come to this wrestling column for timely Kurt Vonnegut deep cut jokes!
Finally (in hour one, whether it actually bled over into hour two or not) we have the debut, sort of, of Sanity. For my own Sanity, I’m not going to type SAni+Y every time. Y’all don’t have Nikki Cross with you anymore and Sawyer Fulton left ages ago, so you’re technically just AY.
AnywAY, this is supposed to be Sanity vs. the Usos, which would be great, but WWE’s time-filler squadron unleashed another of their favorite tropes: announcing a match, having the match not happen, and then using the fact that the match didn’t happen to promote the actual match later. It’s the lamest bait and switch, because they realize the match they announced doesn’t have any hype or momentum (because it’s a debut) and don’t have the time or inclination to take a step back and book it to. So they just say, “hey, don’t you wish this would’ve happened now? Anyway, tune in next week for the same thing. Maybe!”
I miss the days when WCW was around, and I could do the Padding Bear hard stare at WWE for saying the other guys bait and switch too much.
But Then Hour Two Happened, And All Was Forgiven
Smackdown Live Is War sucked, sure, but Smackdown Live War Zone is great. The entire second hour, give or take, is devoted to a gauntlet match with everyone you want from a wrestling show:
- popular wrestlers you like who are good at having wrestling matches
- creating fresh new rivalries and stories while acknowledging and furthering the older, already established ones
- a sense of urgency created by the match having consequence
- the proper amount of time being given to the match so you can observe, understand, and enjoy the first three bullet points
To put it another way, it’s an almost 43-minute gauntlet match featuring maybe the five easiest to like guys in the company fighting for a chance to face AJ Styles for the WWE Championship at Extreme Rules. The Miz is in there being Mizzy, Rusev is getting a rare chance to finally shine, Samoa Joe is Samoa Joe, and the match opens with about 11 minutes of Daniel Bryan and Big E tearing it up. I honestly wish they’d just lopped off the entire first hour and presented this as a Smackdown Live webisode or whatever.
This was a great look at how money Big E could be as a singles competitor, as he approaches his gauntlet opener with Bryan by busting his ass and breaking out all of his big moves, like his spear through the ropes and at least an attempted Big Ending. E looked great in service of Daniel Bryan, who not only could put together a watchable match with a bottle of dish soap, but just got finished trouncing Big Cass’ garbage ass out of the company and needs to continue showing how well he can compete against bigger, stronger opponents. Big E looks like fucking Misawa compared to Tallin’ Cassidy, so it’s an easy win.
That’s followed by 15 minutes of Daniel Bryan vs. Samoa Joe, which is not something I should have to tell you is good in a wrestling column. It shows Bryan’s intestinal fortitude, similarly to that legendary gauntlet match from Raw where Bryan had to wrestle three times and face Cesaro at the end, and continues that story from his performance in the Greatest Royal Rumble. I love that they’re not just tossing Bryan into the mix and coasting on his pre-existing popularity … they’re showing current fans and reminding the old of exactly why Bryan rules. He’s little, but he’s got a bigger heart than anybody. He’s little, but he’s skilled enough to beat people way bigger. He’s been hurt, but he can take punishment. It’s perfect. DANIEL BRYAN YOU ARE A PERFECT.
They book this fall really well, I think, by having Joe be dominant but fall victim to Bryan’s ring-generalosity and get counted out. We got a lot of interaction between the two with no decisive finish, which works a lot better in, say, a gauntlet match with multiple falls than in three straight rematches with fuck finishes. Bryan doesn’t win as much as he survives, and that comes back around to figuratively and literally kick him in the ass.
Fall three gives us our long-awaited tease of Miz vs. Daniel Bryan, but introduces an attack from Joe and the Bludgies of all people to make sure Bryan doesn’t compete. The inclusion of the Bludgeon Brothers and the pre-match tease as Bryan was coming to the ring allows for lots of questions, like, “did The Miz hire them to beat up Bryan so he could win,” or “are they just mad that their exit and his entrance interacted too closely,” or maybe even “are they still mad about that whole infiltrating and destroying the Wyatt Family thing from a few years ago?”
No matter what, it gives The Miz an unbelievably shitty and cheap win over Bryan due to somebody else’s hard work and manipulations that he’ll be able to brag about until they actually go one-on-one again. Good stuff.
And finally we have the best moment of all: a Miz vs. Rusev finals where you’re SURE the heel Miz is going on to face babyface dipshit AJ Styles at Extreme Rules, but the much put-upon tweener Rusev wins instead. How goddamn hype am I for an AJ Styles vs. Rusev pay-per-view main event? With rules that are EXTREME?
Yeah, it probably won’t main event. It’ll probably be in the middle of the show, under a Universal Championship match (LOL, just kidding) and whatever Reigns or Rousey are doing. But it’s a pay-per-view title match featuring a guy who really needs to start having better matches again against a guy with a ton of grassroots popularity who should be having great matches every week. Aiden English and Lana are there to provide color, and we’re off to the races with something fresh. Honestly? “Something fresh” is all I want from WWE right now. Just don’t beat me over the head with the exact same shit every week and I’ll find way to like most of it.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
The Real Birdman
*Rusev punches AJ in the balls*
*Entire Uproxx thread slaps their foreheads*
Mr. Bliss
So shane wasn’t lying when he said “Noted!”, he can still suck a dead dog’s dick but at least he came through.
Ghost of Curt Hennig
All I know is that if Rusev wins, we can all await him battering Styles for 20 minutes before Styles inevitably shows his “heart of a champion” and wins anyway.
Sinclair
This rivalry makes me cherish every time Miz and Daniel interact. They truly are doing a great job of slowly teasing their inevitable Wrestlemania match.
dl316bh
I love the Miz, but now I can’t wait for him to die.
IC Champion PdragolphZiggler
For the night’s watch
Big Baby Yeezus
Looks like the wwe 2k strategy backfired on Samoa Joe
notJames
DBry’s chest looks like Pete Dunne’s face.
MrV
Gotta love when the wrestling show makes you say “AAAAAWWWW SHIT!!” out loud. watching alone.
Mark Silletti
wow, who would’ve thought bryan vs big e would be dope?
*checks earpiece*
i’m being told “everyone”.
GIVE HANDSOME RU RU THE CHAMPIONSHIP. DOUBLE TURN THEM AT EXTREME RULES. SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS, YOU KNOW IT TO BE THE BEST IDEA.
That’s it for this week. Thanks for putting up with the slight delay. Toss us a comment below and share the column on your social media gimmicks, and we’ll be back next week.
