WHaT
Previously on Sunday Night Heat: Heat began its new tradition of serving as the kickoff show for whhichever pay-per-view is about to happen. This time around: SummerSlam ’98.
Previously on Raw Is War: Vince McMahon called Kane and the Undertaker “putrid pussies,” so they destroyed the entire episode. Also helping to destroy the episode: the U.S. Open, airing in prime-time on Monday nights on the USA Network.
You can watch this episode on WWE Network here. You can follow the series and read previous entries on the Heat of the Moment tag page. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.
Here’s what you missed 21 years ago on WWF Sunday Night Heat, originally aired on September 6, 1998.
I’M THe MaN WiTH THe PLaN
Given how Raw Saturday Night played out the night before, it makes sense that we continue with that story. According to Peggy Hill-esque testimony from Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon has promised to reveal his “master plan” to destroy Stone Cold Steve Austin at Breakdown right here tonight on Heat.
Because they’re still pretty intent on destroying everything until a master plan is laid out for them, Kane and Undertaker wrestle their first official match as a tag team against the sad Animal and Droz version of the Legion of Doom. On a brief but fleeting high note for the “drunk Hawk” story, Hawk calls in from Chicago and lets the announce team know that he’s checking into rehab and getting his shit under control. If only this were the end of the angle, and that the World Wrestling Federation had ended the story with, “sometimes people need professional help to deal with their problems.” Instead, it’s Machiavellian tag team manipulation from a guy who vomits on cue leading to comedic suicides.
Kane and Undertaker are extremely OP at this point, so of course they torch Legion of Doom Simulator 2.000. Undertaker breaks out “that UFC-like submission hold” again to injure Animal, causing Mr. McMahon to wander out onto the stage and pretty much masturbate in front of them about it.
It’s even weirder when you can hear Vince’s dopey son yelling, “HO YEAH, HO YEAH, THAT’S MY POPS!” over it. When Vince realizes he’s being watched, he runs away. Typical.
Later, Kane and Undertaker drag future 24/7 Champions Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco down to the ring and beat them to death to try to force a response from McMahon. Their fault, as you may have guessed, is in assuming Vince McMahon cares about his most loyal cronies and won’t just let them get thrown at the ground by their throats to protect his booking plans for an extra 15 minutes.
At the end of the night, Kane, Undertaker, and Stone Cold Steve Austin all kinda corner Vince in the center of the ring and demand answers. Vince, being Vince, goes full tilt confident and starts calling Stone Cold “pally,” which is so much funnier than the “pal” so often attributed to him. He reveals his master plan to Pally: at Breakdown, said Pal will defend the WWF Championship against both Kane AND the Undertaker in a triple threat match. Seems like a ton of build up for the world’s most obvious evil general manager move, but I guess the 10 most obvious moves of a bad guy written for stupid children hadn’t been burned into our frontal lobes yet.
HeAT 1NDEX
Using Heat to continue major stories from Raw on smaller scales – 🔥🔥
Vince McMahon’s master plan – ⚠️
“Pally” – 🔥🔥🔥🔥
BLaDE RuNNER
So, you know how I keep making fun of how the announce team refuses to call blood “blood,” and instead keep calling it a “mysterious, viscous liquid?” This week they take it even farther with some of the lamest workarounds you’ve ever heard. This is verbatim, from a Shane McMahon who I guess has been told not to say the word “vampire” on television:
“It’s the ’90s, JR! Did you see that movie Blade with Wesley Snipes? That thing is awesome. Gangrel reminds me of one of THOSE guys!”
Yes, those guys from that Blade movie who are always trying to drink viscous liquid out of people’s something. Plus, saying “it’s the ’90s!” at the top of the sentence makes it sound like a Bojack Horseman joke. “Blade was just released in 1998, JR, the year it currently is!”
Anyway, if you haven’t seen this episode of Heat, watch it for this match. It’s Gangrel completely squashing Dick Togo in like two minutes, but it rules. You don’t need me to tell you a Dick Togo match is great, but Gangrel’s in here tossing him around with Tiger Suplexes and shit. It’s fantastic for what it is. Gangrel could’ve been the biggest star in the world if he could talk, and if he could’ve figured out how to build some experience wrestling in matches longer than five minutes. He’d just kinda fall apart in longer bouts. That’s what happens I guess when you randomly rework and push an enhancement guy who’s never had to wrestle in front of anybody for more than three minutes at once in his life.
HeAT 1NDEX
This squash – 🔥🔥
“That Blade movie” – 🧛♂️🗡🧔🏿
EDGe LoRDS
From Gangrel to a man who has the blood of Gangrel running through his body forever! Edge (who the announce team is still trying to figure out, as well as his connection to Gangrel) squashes TAKA Michinoku in another fun by far-too-short squash. Welcome to the Attitude Era, I guess.
This match poses an interesting question I’d never thought about, though; if Val Venis had sex with and then humiliated Mr. Yamaguchi-san’s child bride to the point of turning her evil and making her flee the country in shame, you’d think Kaientai would still have beef with him, right? I mean, they tried to cut off his dick with a samurai sword, but only once, and they only failed because of a “cold butcher’s block” and John Wayne Bobbitt randomly being there. And SURE, he’s way bigger than you guys and can beat you in wrestling matches, but like, couldn’t you find him and dismember him some other time? They really let that shit go quickly. Maybe Yamaguchi’s a cuck and the song and dance of the rivalry was just to get them both off? These are the important things you ask yourself when you watch 20 year-old wrestling shows.
HeAT 1NDEX
This squash – 🔥
Nothing good lasting more than 2 minutes – ❄️❄️
Hotwife Kiyoko Yamaguchi, who we will never see again – 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
THe MeRO-ViNGIAN
Not much is happening on the Sable front, as she’s off in California filming a “very interesting role” for an upcoming episode of Pac Blue. Meanwhile, Merc Mero and Jacqueline are sending in home videos which have the video camera graphics on them for some reason where the pretend bowling trophies from Hobby Lobby are prestigious bikini contest trophies desperately wanted by “skanks” and “hoes.”
He IS STiLL CoMING BaCK
Speaking of Val, he gets another European Championship match against D’Lo Brown that’s copy-pasted in from SummerSlam. Val gets mad about D’Lo wearing a chest protector, allowing it to distract him enough for D’Lo to actually cheat by removing the turnbuckle pad. Val goes crashing into it, D’Lo hits a German suplex (because Europe), and Val takes his first loss on WWE TV. Which, you know, he immediately no-sells to do the “put on D’Lo’s chest protector and attack him with it” bit.
Also returning here: Dustin Runnels’ “he is coming back” gimmick, which the announce team is still totally puzzled by. From last week’s column:
Oh, also, Dustin Runnels is working this evangelical Christian gimmick where he keeps saying someone is “coming back.” He’s walking around with signs that say HE’S COMING BACK, and has HE IS COMING BACK on his shirt while he wrestles. The announce team has no idea who he could mean. They won’t even speculate. And yeah, the gimmick is that Goldust is coming back, but wouldn’t the announcers think the super Christian guy who keeps saying HE IS COMING BACK is talking about Jesus? “Some sort of Nazarene being referenced here, last time we saw him he was being heinously assaulted on some kind of symbol!”
I never really noticed it before, but one of the major differences between WCW and WWF is the announce team’s understanding of things. In WCW, they’re too obvious about it and tell you exactly what’s happening when they shouldn’t. TNA took this, which is where we get the WE KNOW WHO THAT IS jokes from. In the WWF, they don’t even understand basic words or actions, so everything feels vague. Once Jim Ross stopped being frank and southern about everything, WWF’s entire announce team turned into, “wait just a minute, what’s gonna happen here,” even when everyone and their deaf and blind grandmas could tell you what’s gonna happen here.
HeAT 1NDEX
Jacqueline and Marc Mero’s not even kind of believable heterosexual relationship – ❄️❄️
An all-new episode of PAC BLUE – 🔥
Redoing SummerSlam’s undercard because Raw’s on Tuesday for a couple of weeks and none of this really matters – 🔥/❄️
FuNNY GaMES
While we’re on the topic of the announce team, I’m going to do everything in my power to avoid talking about a Road Dogg vs. Dennis Knight match (Jesus Christ) to share this screencap of Shane McMahon telling fellow analyst Hank Hill how funny he thinks the Road Dogg is. OF COURSE Shane McMahon thinks the Road Dogg is hilarious. He spells his name funny! Ho yeah!
If you’re keeping track of all this at home, the Buttsex Roadie vs. Clothed Naked Mideon match is here so Jeff Jarrett can run in and cause a disqualification, which will of course bring out X-Pac, which sets up a six-man tag team match for the pay-per-view. It’s not particularly enjoyable, but at least it’s constructive.
FiNALLY, iN HoSS NeWS
Since we’re out of Heat Index territory, the only other thing you need to know about the match is that Vader showed up to ruin a Bradshaw vs. Ken Shamrock match, because former partners-for-a-second Bradshaw and Vader are feuding heading into Breakdown. You can tell they were just told to stall until the run-in, too, because 80% of the match is Bradshaw standing still while Shamrock hits the ropes and does bad jumping attacks at him. I know he’s supposed to be a rough and ready cowboy or whatever, but I don’t buy Bradshaw lasting 20 seconds in a fight with Ken Shamrock, much less a minute-58. Get this guy a limo and an opinion about the estate tax, already.
NeXT WeEK:
It’s a Sunday Night Heat crammed between a rescheduled Saturday Raw and a normally scheduled Monday Raw, featuring … not much, but there’s a lumberjack match, and Sable checks in from the set of Pacific Blue. You don’t want to miss it, maybe!
