“Battleship” is rapidly becoming the summer’s big negatively buzzed about movie, and for fairly good reason: it looks ridiculous.
Which is why I, as an overeducated film snob who loves complicated French dramas and Japanese samurai movies, am going to have my ass parked in a seat at a theater, opening day, to see this movie. Possibly with a foam finger as Robo has politely suggested.
Why? Why would I want to see this when it looks absolutely awful?
Well, I’ve got my reasons: as you may have guessed, I’ve got five of them.
#5) Peter Berg’s Directing
Peter Berg has yet to make a truly awful movie. “The Kingdom” could have been more thoughtful considering it was set in the Middle East, but “Friday Night Lights” is one of the best and most honest movies about football and high school ever made, “The Rundown” is a gleefully funny ’80s action movie, and even “Hancock”, as weak as the closing act is, is well-directed.
So, really, if anybody can make a movie this ridiculous worthwhile, it’s him.
#4) Liam Neeson Is In It
So sue me, I’m a Liam Neeson manwhore. The truth is, even when Liam Neeson is in an awful movie, he’s always fun to watch. This is a guy who managed to overwhelm George Lucas in “Episode I” and deliver a decent performance. Yes, he’s here for the paycheck, but so what? He’ll still earn every penny.
#3) I’ve Got To See How They Try and Sell Rihanna As a Navy Badass
Seriously, if there was ever a role that screamed “Let’s cast Michelle Rodrigu-what do you mean she turned us down?!”, it’s this. Rihanna is a painful bit of miscasting, but it promises to be painfully funny.
#2) It’s Utterly Bizarre and We Need More Of That From Hollywood
Yes, the Navy fighting seawater eating aliens who shoot explosive peg projectiles and Langoliers at people is absolutely bats*** insane and obviously driven by toy revenue, but how often does Hollywood actually go bats*** insane these days? Part of the problem with the Transformers movies, and the first G.I. Joe movie, was that they were “product”. Aside from the fact that each Transformers movie includes at least one incredibly bizarre and perverse moment (robot watersports, for example, THANKS MICHAEL BAY), they’re featureless, stripped of any identifying marks or anything that actually reflects human beings might have been involved in their production.
“Battleship” is probably going to be a lot of things, but somehow I don’t think it’s going to be forgettable or indistinct.
#1) We Don’t Have Enough Good Bad Movies
Even the most humorless film snob has to admit a deep affection for “good bad movies”. “Plan 9 From Outer Space” is a terrible movie, but it’s also genuinely charming and entertaining. “Troll 2” is absolutely insane in just about every respect, but that’s what makes it an unintentional comedy classic. Recently, the absolutely incompetent and thus utterly hysterical “Birdemic” deservedly became a cult hit.
So it potentially is with “Battleship”. I don’t think Peter Berg is phoning this one in; at the very least, he took his $200 million budget and used it to blow everything up real good. And I don’t think he’s joking; unless the marketing is off, he is taking this remake of “The Navy Vs. The Night Monsters” absolutely seriously.
So, this movie will probably not be good…but it’s probably going to be absolutely hysterical.
image courtesy Universal Pictures