My friends, I come not to bury the Steph Curry Dad Shoes; I come to best them.
You see, a TRUE Dad Shoe is not something that your 27-year-old cousin who DJs on the weekends and is always texting you links to his weird SoundCloud tracks buys so that he can wear them to Target.
No, friends: Dad Shoes are what you pull out of the bottom of the closet when you get drafted to play in the basketball league. Dad Shoes are what you cut the yard in and then shoot hoops in your driveway. Buy new shoes? New shoes are for new players. You’re 35 and you haven’t touched the rim since Bush was in office. You don’t have time for new shoes; you need something dependable, baby.
Dependable, just like you. Dad Shoes.
*****
When my high school basketball career ended, I kept my shoes and played in them until they disintegrated like House Bolton. When my college career ended, I played in my team shoes for another 10 years. Point being, I hang on to shoes. Which is good, because on the occasion that I wander onto the hardwood to scatter the young bucks with my Old Man Strength and Boris Diaw-like array of Dad Pump Fakes, I can’t just spring for new kicks. I gotta do what dads do: tear up the house looking for old shoes.
Check these:
THE DREAM WILL NEVER DIE. I bought this pair of Starburys from a Steve & Barry’s in an Alabama mall. This was approximately 38 years ago. First they stopped making the shoe, then Steve & Barry’s went under. Then the mall died.
BUT THE SHOES STILL REMAIN.
The shoelace knot on one of the shoes is sort of fused together, and cannot be undone by mortal means. At one point the shoes were in the garage and a mouse pooped in one of them. But they get it done. I wore these shoes to four different jobs. Wore them to the hospital when my first daughter was born. Wore them during several years’ worth of open gyms, wherein 16-year-olds would marvel at them as if they were prototypes of some exotic new brand. Naw, kid, these are $15 Marburys.
“Mar who?”
I weep for your generation, kid.
Hey, remember that one phase everyone has where they try to play basketball in running shoes?
No?
Just me then. Okay.
I have no idea what these are. They are green and yellow and I found them in a Nike outlet store in the middle of Kansas. At that point, my basketball skills had been eroding for the better part of a decade, and I decided that instead of getting in better shape I would simply wear lighter shoes. Yes. That should definitely make me 18 again. The combined weight of these shoes is about the same as one email. Wearing them is like draping a green napkin over your foot and stepping on a pile of Legos.
SPOILER ALERT: It is not a good idea to play basketball in these shoes. I sprained both ankles just writing about them.
I have never worn these shoes. I have no idea where they came from. They have been in my closet seemingly since I had a closet, and perhaps even before that. Were they always with me? Are they real? Who knows. One is missing its shoelace, which I presumably cannibalized at some point to use on a different, more desirable pair of sneakers.
I don’t know what to tell you. Sometimes you just have to hang on to a pair of ugly Dad Shoes, just in case.
I have never sprained my ankle while wearing these shoes. This is because my ankles, when encased in these podiatric tombs, are not really free to move in any direction, harmful or otherwise.
I think I got these adidases from a JC Penney outlet store around 2008. Or maybe I found them on Eastbay’s clearance section. I have no idea, really. My long term memory has gone the way of my vertical, brother. All I know is that these shoes are concrete blocks that constrict your feet and numb them from pain. And when you are a 35-year-old trying to do 25-year-old things on the court, this is helpful.
But what’s that?
Making fun of me for old shoes?
Listen, I can get new shoes any time I want.
I happen to be a member of a very exclusive club.
A club called Foot Locker Direct:
Let’s see, this magazine is from…1997. Oh yeah, still good.
What can I order…
A cassette player? A PORTABLE cassette player? For only $99? Man, I bet my mixed tape will sound HOT in that.
Matter of fact, that would go perfectly with…
My new Jordan cologne and poster. I’m on it. Just need to find the right shoes…That symbolize my Old Man Strength…And bad guy persona…