A Pro Wrestling Company Based On Fox News Is Happening And Needs Awful, Awful Writers

Do you like pro wrestling? Do you like Fox News? Do you ever watch Fox News and wish Bill O’Reilly would tape up his fists and start swinging metal folding chairs at the libtards in the elitist liberal media? Do you wish Hannity and Colmes had settled things inside Hell in a Cell?

If your answer to those questions was “grunt and drag my foot across the floor,” you’re in luck: a New York wrestling promoter is starting an indie wrestling company full of political parody characters and storylines, and he’s looking for writers. As an ad placed on Craigslist states, NWoR (Novel Wrestling Of Rochester) needs a writer to create “thirty characters” and “six months of angles and story lines.” I hope you’ve already clicked over and mailed in your application. The first line of mine is, “change the name to FOX BRUISE.”

NWoR, (Novel Wrestling of Rochester) is a new wrestling promotion being built in Rochester, New York to compete with Upstate Pro Wrestling. The business is still in the formative stages. Right now, we’re looking for writers who can contribute as much as needed to writing six months of story lines, angles, characters, etc. (Note: The product needs to be written to represent the themes that NWoR places emphasis on, as described below.)

NWoR is very much in the style of Vince Russo – that is, there’s a particular emphasis on angles, characters, etc. To accomplish this, there needs to be heavy emphasis on characters and stories that will get attention from the fans. One way to accomplish this is to do something “novel” – that is, to take on subject matter that, traditionally, has not been fodder for promotions in the past. I’m referring, of course, to conspiracy theories, and related subjects.

“We know who THAT is, Taz! That’s EBOLA! What’s ebola doing in the Impact Zone??”

The good news is that he doesn’t expect you to figure all this out on your own. He’s already created 11 top characters.

Some characters already created are:

The Evil Lizard Bankers (a tag team based on the Jewish conspiracy theory that the world is controlled by Jews, as well as the idea that they’re really reptoids who are descendants of ancient aliens. They’ll come to the ring with iguana masks on, as well as black hats and grey beards, and they’ll hold money bags with dollar signs on them.)

YEP. The first characters created for the political wrestling promotion are EVIL JEW BANKERS. I’m surprised their valet isn’t Dead Jesus, and they don’t drag him to the ring by his ankles.

Maybe I’m not giving NWoR enough credit. This is satire, right? I’m sure the next character is great, and not, like, “gay rapper.”

Hollarina (Pronounced as “Holla” and “Rena.” Character is a rapper who wears a pink ballerina leotard and tutu. Not really political. Basically is just a ripoff of John Cena, and maybe Brodus Clay.)

I can’t decide which part of this I love more. The fact that he had to explain how “Hollarine” was pronounced? The BASICALLY A RIPOFF clarification? The fact that he gave you John Cena and Brodus Clay as options, so you could pick a skin color? I’m glad it’s not an overtly anti-black gimmick. I don’t want to feel offended after I’ve watched an EVIL JEW BANKERS match.

After that, it’s mostly “type the first thing I come up with off the top of my head” name changes for guys he recognizes from cable news channels.

Dr.s Don and Dan Paul (Parody of Dr.s Ron and Rand Paul. This tag team will be the arch-enemies of the Evil Lizard Bankers.They’ll wrestle in standard wrestling singlets and carry American and Gadsden flags.)

Alex Clones (Parody of Alex Jones. Will talk with a thick Texan drawl. Character will not be that much different than the real Alex Jones. Will wrestle in standard trunks.)

Greg Beck (Parody of Glenn Beck. Mortal enemy of Alex Clones. Character will wear coke bottle glasses, have blonde hair, cry throughout promos, and bring a big chalkboard with him to the ring.)

David Dike (Parody of David Icke. Will talk with a British accent. Gimmick will be that, every time he goes out to the ring, he’ll try and talk his way out of the match because of his arthritis. When that doesn’t work, he’ll wrestle, then, somehow, he’ll find a moment to put on a magnetic bracelet or tinfoil hat which will give him superpowers, i.e. He’ll “Hulk up” and be able to win the match.

Todd Cruise (Parody of Senator Ted Cruz. Gimmick will be that he gives exceedingly long promos about crazy nonsense that has nothing to do with anything. This is a parody of when Senator Cruz, in September 2013, delivered a twenty one hour speech to filibuster the Senate into defunding ObamaCare. His speech included parts where he read Dr. Seuss books.)

Additional suggestions:

– A violent Diva named “Megyn Killy.”
– “Bret Bear,” a bear in a suit.
– A Greta Van Susteren character whose finisher is the VAN SUSTERENATOR.

Are those too clever? Okay, “Will O’Reilly.” “Don Stewart.” Sorry, took me a minute to get the hang out it.

By now you’re probably wondering, “where’s the Barack Obama guy?” Good news: He’s the heel manager of a tag team. OF ROBOTS.

The Drones (Another tag team. The Drones, Drone #1 and Drone #2 are actually robots. Wrestlers will wear some silver colored, metallic looking costume that looks “robotic.” The Drones will be managed by Barry Bizarro, a parody of Barry Soetoro, i.e. Obama. Barry will carry a big remote control with an antenna, like the kind you’d have for a remote control car. The gimmick will be that Barry is controlling the Drones while they’re wrestling. Barry Bizarro will also do the talking for this tag team.)

All kidding aside (and letting “i.e. Obama” slide), I would pop so hard for Barack Obama piloting a team of evil robots in wrestling matches, Real Steel-style.

The sad part of this is that the promotion will probably never happen. He includes some additional information at the bottom, including a loose timeline, qualifications he’s looking for in a partner, and important information like “I looked at a local promotion’s roster page, so I assume this is how it works.” Tommy Dreamer will show up and do my Glenn Beck gimmick, right? I just have to point at him and say, “do it.”

These are just a few of the many potential public figures that could be parodied and have endless story potential. According to Upstate Pro Wrestling’s website, that group has twenty nine wrestlers working for it. We would like to do the same: i.e. Develop thirty characters, and maybe a few managers, valets, onscreen authority figures, etc. Along with six months of angles and story lines. The stories will play out in increments of one week. So, roughly, enough stories have to be written to include 30+ characters, and each story has about twenty five (or so) plot points (because there’s about twenty six weeks in six months). A good charting system to outline and organize angles would be helpful.

That’s about it. If you’re a writer who likes wrestling, or if you’re a writer who also happens to wrestle, or just a good wrestler, please email or text me, Warren Love. To show me you’re serious, tell me why you want to join, and give me a few ideas for other characters, or for stories for the characters mentioned in the ad.

Hey NWoR guy, if somebody linked you to this and you’ve read this far down, I’ll do it for free. Just shoot me an e-mail. One condition: We change “Hollerina’s” name to “Baller-ina.” It’s RIGHT THERE.

h/t to The Wrestling Bros, and to @boxcar45 for Ballerina.