Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Daniel Bryan retired. Thinking back a week, that’s really all I can remember about the show. That, and Bo Dallas saying that “best friends make best trends.” It was an emotional roller-coaster.
Remember that With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for February 15, 2016.
Best: WWE Remembers Dean Ambrose Has The Intercontinental Championship
Remember when Dean Ambrose was United States Champion? WWE barely did. He held it for almost an entire year and everyone forgot about it, and the championship became a thing Ambrose could wear and not look stupid standing between the Tag Team Champions. When they decided they needed to use it for something again, Ambrose was suddenly tossed into a battle royal for the championship, and the belt transitioned to Sheamus.
Ambrose is headed into the main event of Fastlane to face Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns, with the winner moving on to face Triple H for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania. We’re less than a week out from Fastlane, so here’s how I imagine the booking meeting went:
Writer #1: Fastlane’s in six days. Do we have enough matches?
Writer #2: we’ve got 3 I think, the main with the thing and then two Divas matches
Writer #1: sh*t we need more than that … US title maybe? Has Kalisto wrestled Alberto Del Rio before?
Writer #2: no idea
Writer #1: okay well add that, but put it on the pre-show
Writer #2: lol ok
Writer #1: IC title? Who has that?
Writer #2: … dolph ziggler?
Writer #1: no, who-Writer #1: SH*T DEAN AMBROSE HAS IT
Writer #2: we could give it to sheamus again, not sure if people know whether or not the league of nations hates america
Writer #1: yeah battle royal it again
Writer #2: but there are only 8 people on our roster not having surgery this week
Writer #1: FATAL 8-WAY
Writer #2: … we need a rest of the show tho
Writer #1: FATAL … 5-WAY
Writer #2: [writes “+ jobbers” next to Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler on dry-erase board]
So we open the show with a Fatal 5-Way — because anything between 3 and 6 is fatal — for the Intercontinental Championship. Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Stardust vs. the slowly decomposing human shell that used to house Tyler Breeze’s hopes and dreams. It’s fun, and gets especially fun near the end, but it does feel a little like, “whoops, we need the belt, sorry Dean.”
A theme of the night is “slightly unexpected things are happening,” and I want to emphasize how much I enjoyed it. Nothing really spectacular happens, but instead of trotting out the exact same material they trotted out last week, they take some of the same ideas — Ziggler vs. Owens, for example — and … what’s the word? Febreeze them? They make them a little more fresh. Doing something like a 5-way match, fatal or vital, gets some fresh faces in the mix, gives more talent an opportunity to shine, and lets you get from point A to the same point C without beating poor B to death. You’re beating B to death, Raw.
I really enjoyed the finish, with Ambrose hitting Dirty Deeds on Stardust while Ziggler hits a Zig Zag on Ambrose, effectively taking out two competitors at once. Breeze sh*t-cans Ziggler and tries to steal a pin, but Kevin Owens is there when he turns around to pop-up powerbomb him and win the championship. I could’ve done without the Stephanie McMahon “I’M SETTING YOU UP FOR A WRESTLING MATCH FOR PUNISHMENT AND IF YOUR FRIEND INTERFERES EVEN THOUGH HE NORMALLY WOULDN’T, OH MAN, DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED” preface, but hell, I’ll take a fun opener full of guys I like any day of the week. Monday. I’ll take it on Mondays.
Best: Making Those Owens And Ziggler Matches Matter
Because Dolph Ziggler gets how WWE title opportunities work, he immediately interrupts Kevin Owens’ victory celebration with a slow clap to try to beg-threaten his way into a title match at Fastlane. There should be an alarm that goes off every time somebody tries to set up a match without GM approval. Like 70 minutes of every Raw would just be dudes standing around backstage with their hands over their ears.
I don’t want to see another Owens vs. Ziggler match, but what I like is that they made an attempt to justify the matches they’ve had to build to the next one. That’s a positive step, and something WWE doesn’t always remember to do. Ziggler’s like, “you won the championship, but I bet you a few times recently, so shouldn’t that make me the first guy to challenge you?” Owens turns him down of course, which would be more effective if they didn’t do it multiple times in the same episode — see also Chris Jericho vs. AJ Styles — but it’s good.
I hope Owens ends up worming his way out of the match somehow (or even taking the dreaded “purposeful count-out”) to set up that beautiful ladder match between Owens and all the people that hate him that pays off a year and a half of WWE storytelling. That’s an easy way to get Sami Zayn on the card. Hell, figure out a way to get Finn Bálor involved, too. Pay it all off. ALEX RILEY, HERE’S YOUR LAST CONTEXTUAL SHOT.
Worst: Mark Henry Gets Picked Up, Dies
If you watched Raw or read about it on our site earlier today, you know that the finish to Big E vs. Mark Henry is one of the most awkward things that’s happened in months, Non-Sin Cara Division.
If you didn’t do either of those things, here’s what you missed. The New Day cut a promo about how Mark was the World’s Largest Bootyhole for ditching them, and that sets up the match. Things look like they’re going normally until the finish, where E scoops Henry up onto his shoulder for a Big Ending. This is impressive as hell, but Mark just kinda lies there for a few seconds, scoots off E’s back to counter the move and just collapses. E just kinda covers him and wins the match. Henry apparently got some bruised ribs from E’s crazy jumping splashes earlier in the match — when your torso is Henry shaped, the move’s got a different impact than when you’re, like, Sheamus — and he thought they were broken. It’s anticlimactic and kinda sad, and I’d hate for Henry to be out for any kind of serious time this late in his career, this close to what might be his final WrestleMania, in his home damn state.
Get well soon, Mark. Also, reconsider the unicorn thing.
Worst: Brie. Bella. And! Charlotte. Talk! Like THIS. For TEN. MINUTES. Daniel! Babies!
The idea behind Charlotte confronting Brie Bella and heeling on her for her crippled husband and crippled sister is great, especially when she gets into not wanting to hurt Brie when she’s the only bread-winner left in her family. If this was on a script somewhere I’d say, “yeah, that works, really go for it.”
The problem I have with it is the same problem I had with the Reid Flair promo from a few months ago: How we’re supposed to feel about these people isn’t consistent, the WWE Diva style of talking is too phony and robotic for any semblance of real human emotion to seep through, and the whole thing ends up sounding like a bad middle school play. Charlotte. Won’t. Stop. Pausing. For. Long. Periods. Of. Time. Between. Every. Word. She has to make sure everyone hears what she’s saying, to the point that it sacrifices how speech and communication work. Brie does the same thing but can’t pronounce half of the words, and doesn’t know what the other half means.
“You’re right, you are you to judge!”
“You litterlee are throwing Daniel and Nikki in my face, because you need that, because you know I am not an easy beat!”
Same.
So yeah, it’s a good enough idea launched via catapult into unbearable by the acting. Brie Bella might honestly be the worst actress I’ve ever seen. She makes Nikki sound like Viola Davis in Doubt. If she couldn’t make her twin sister saying she’d wished Brie’d died in the womb sound like a thing to get pissed about, there’s no way a sarcastic “you should open a bed and breakfast” is gonna send her over the edge.
Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! +1 to Charlotte for “goat-faced vegan babies,” though. Nobody wants those. That’s why I haven’t had kids.
Best: AJ Styles Deserves The Vincent J. McMahon Award For Getting Watchable Matches Out Of The Miz
First of all, before I forget it, WWE is awarding the first-ever Vincent J. McMahon Legacy of Excellence Award on next week’s Raw. If you’re like me, and you probably are, the first thing you thought of was the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. The thing looks like the Fortress of Solitude, and them hammering home the fact that “nobody has deserved the award until now” makes it feel 100% like a goofy work. If Vince, Stephanie or Triple H don’t win it and have it presented to them by the other two, I’ll be shocked. They should give it to Titus O’Neil just to see what the Internet would do.
Anyway, we get a rematch between The Miz and AJ Styles with the honor of shattered teeth on the line, and it might be the best Miz match I’ve seen in years. Don’t get me wrong, I like Miz a lot. He’s one of the best actors on the show, does some of the very best character work, and always knows how to get modern WWE’s version of heat for himself and others. In the ring, it’s … not always awesome. This was pretty good, though, and now all I want is for Miz to go to New Japan for a year and work Tanahashi.
My only problem:
Worst: Y’all Don’t Even Remember What The What Chants Are For
The crowd chants “what” for AJ Styles. “What” chants are the dirt worst in any context, but it’s so dumb that WWE crowds don’t even remember what they’re for.
In their original context, they were just for Steve Austin segments and they were a fun sing-along thing. In their awful Frankenstein’s monster context, they became a way for crowds to pass the time during boring promos, speeches from characters they hated and didn’t want to hear from, or people with foreign accents. Now WWE crowds think they’re what you do when ANYBODY pauses for ANY REASON while talking. Poor AJ Styles is out here trying to set up a cool match we might like featuring guys the crowd likes and supports and everybody’s just whiffing it, waiting for the gaps. I hate it. I wish one of those “hijack” movements had been dedicated to popcorning hamster poop into any mouths opening to say “what” at wrestling shows.
Okay, another problem:
Worst: JBL Saying Someone Has The Face Of A Hogwarts
JBL has the brain of an Algernon.
Best: The Dudleys Aren’t Saying Much, But I Like What They’re Saying
Speaking of crowds not knowing how to handle situations, here’s the Dudley Boyz.
The Dudleys turn is another one of those things I’m going to give a minute, because it feels like it’d work better in a different time, on a different show. I kinda want these guys to come out guns blazing, doing that horrible/great thing they used to do where they’d walk into the center of an ECW show, personally insult every person they saw in the most graphic and threateningly juvenile way possible, and only leave when 30 ore more people are trying to jump the rails and kill them. They can’t really do that now, especially not on this show, so it’s mostly just, “You want to cheer for us, but we don’t want you to! We’re not gonna do the thing you want to cheer for!” That’s good I guess, but it feels more like “I’m giving you a time out” than “we’re gonna piss you off until you start fires.”
Also, has Bubba Dudley always sounded this much like Paul Heyman? Close your eyes and listen to him in this promo. They’re the same guy, Paul just hits the punctuation harder.
Best: DAYS OF SUMMER
SUMMER RAE WINS!
Summer Rae is on my short-list of the most underrated performers on the show. She was developing into a perfectly good wrestler when they hit the brakes on that hard, and she’s done better work than asked in the various bullsh*t cheater romance angles they keep shoving her into. Hell, she was so good she occasionally made the Rusev/Lana/Dolph/Summer swinger party angle work. She sold a derisively-named dog AND a headless fish. I’m not sure if this is the start of something new for her or just an excuse to have Paige be “off her game” or whatever, but I’m into it. Give Summer Rae all the glory.
Quick note, though: What the hell was Paige distracted by, exactly? This was like a distraction rollup without the distraction. Paige just looked like she lapsed into a coma for a second. Maybe it’s gotten meta and she was distracted because she’s always distracted, had finally prepared for it, and nothing happened?
Best: Bo Dallas Is Either Dennis Rodman Or Larry Bird
I probably should’ve Lightning Round’d most of this, but I liked a lot of the little pieces in the middle. One of those was Heath Slater vs. Zack Ryder, both because it gave the damn Crimson Werewolf a win, and because of the pre-match picture-in-picture discussion of who would be who in a Social Outcasts dream team. I’m not sure what I loved more, Bo Dallas suggesting that he’s one of the two most different people in the history of pro sports, or Adam Rose making a goddamn Robert Shapiro joke in 2016.
I hope the Social Outcasts get popular enough to stay a team for a long time, but not popular enough for WWE to break them up.
Goldust Made IN YOUR HOUSE Jokes And Came On A Lady
Me:
Best: Slightly Unexpected Things Are Happening, And That’s Something
As I mentioned earlier, the theme of the night is “slightly unexpected things are happening.” That may be best exemplified by this segment where Paul Heyman and Roman Reigns kinda get along about Brock Lesnar and shake hands, only for Roman to get jumped by the Dudley Boyz of all people and get saved by Dean Ambrose, who also almost beats him up.
This is probably just a setup to do Ambreigns vs. the Dudleys on Smackdown to further the dissension between Brock Lesnar’s food options, but I dug it. I like that you can draw together the Dudleyz and Heyman, because they have such a deep history, and I think there’s a way to do a more knowing, edgy “ECW” reunion without all the Tommy Dreamers and trashcan lids. Who would be more loyal to Heyman than these guys who were in the right place at the right time 20 years ago and got decades of TV stardom from their association with him? If they were at the end of their careers and looking to stay relevant, wouldn’t they come back to him? Heyman’s always been the living embodiment of ECW, corporate evolution and all, more than the desperate-to-be-liked guys who wear the t-shirts and can’t let it go. That’s probably looking way too much into that. Just thinking about it.
I also really liked the Ambrose/Reigns interaction, and how Ambrose has been portrayed over the past few weeks in general. He finally seems like a threat to something, anything, and his “crazy” has taken more of a “willing to do anything and take a stand against anyone regardless of the consequences” vibe instead of what it usually is, which is closer to “corny idiot.” I like that it looked like Ambrose actually gave Reigns time to reverse out of the move, and that Reigns kinda gets what’s going on and isn’t going to act irrationally crazy about it. Well done. I might actually want to cheer guys like this.
Worst: Expected Things
Best: But At Least Del Rio Really Murked Sin Cara
In the same way they Febreezed Owens vs. Ziggler by making it a Fatal 5-way for the Intercontinental Championship, they tried to Febreeze Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto into a 6-man tag. Again, that’s a good idea and a step in the right direction, but I’m so tired of Del Rio, the League of Nations and the Lucha Dragons that I’m 20 minutes into Little Nemo before I realize they’re setting up for the double-stomp.
That said, I like how brutal Del Rio gets with Sin Cara. Either version. He just hates the sh*t out of that dude, and his offense always has a little extra “f*ck you” behind it. His double-stomp looked like it hurt for maybe the first time ever, mostly because he stomped him in the damn shoulder and forced him into the ground instead of hopscotching off his chest as he gently hopped off the top rope. That sh*t was Mario murdering a goomba.
Best: Speedball Naomi Knight
In the interest of transparency, I spent most of the last hour of the show bored out of my mind. That usually translates to me being extra snarky, but sometimes when the light hits me just right, I look for things to like. Diamonds in the rough, or whatever.
Naomi’s starting doing “Speedball” Mike Bailey’s kick flurry, which is an interesting choice. I kinda want her to start wrestling in a gi and throwing shooting star kneedrops. My favorite moment in the entire match is during the post-match, when Sasha Banks comes down to the ring to make a very slow save for Becky Lynch. Sasha runs off the heels, so Naomi does this weird taunt where she kinda squats, folds her arms, leans to the side and cackles like Rita Repulsa. Maybe that’s a thing or a reference I don’t get, I don’t know, but I loved it. I like Naomi as a comical Divas super villain. You don’t wear light-up shoes and gradient bandana leggings if you aren’t a little evil.
I’m sad Sasha did the “take off the earrings” bit just to mosey around to the opposite side of the ring and let them beat up Becky some more. Becky is really bad at friends.
Worst: Not Sure The Main Event Is The Best Place For A DQ Hoss Fight With A Kane Run-In
Finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: BIG STRONGMAN vs. BIG SHOWMAN in an ultimate hoss battle. In the main event. Of the go-home show before the pay-per-view before WrestleMania. With a DQ finish. And a Kane run-in. YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT, GUYS.
Honestly I want to get hype for stuff like this. WWE hoss fights used to be my favorite thing. That Mark Henry/Sheamus SummerSlam match is still one of my recent favorites. I make jokes about how boring and unbelievable the Wyatt Family is, and how empty their threats are and now they’re legitimately less scary than Sideshow Bob in ‘Cape Feare,’ but whatever, I want them to be good. I want to like them. I should be ALL-IN on a creepy kidnapping bayou cult family. I also make jokes about Big Show and his ever-changing alignment, and how he’s old and has the mobility of an actual cow and nobody buys him as a threat because WWE’s spent like 17 years making him a joke. But I want to like him, man. He’s 7-ish feet tall and 500-ish pounds. He should be a spectacle. I should be losing my mind to see the biggest dude ever fight a creepy cult’s doomsday monster.
But … well, you know.
It’s fine, but it’s an excuse to get to the odd main event finish, where the “old guard” stands tall (like every week?) and Ryback counters sunset flip attempts during RUN-INs on the OUTSIDE. Was Harper trying to pin him? Did we transition the Wyatts into a feud with Big Show and Kane and Ryback because if you put those three guys together, they approximate Brock Lesnar? Are we going home to the Royal Rumble? What are we doing? I guess since Brock’s busy, nobody wants to wrestle Braun Strowman at important events and Fastlane needs more matches, we’ll get a 6-man tag out of it?
This Raw feels upside down. When this segment ended, I looked at the clock expecting the next hour to start. So … Fastlane?
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
The Real Birdman
Are The Usos not there because they’re at the Grammys?
Can I get an Ernest Miller montage already?
TheBazz
Couldn’t help but notice the disturbing lack of Booker T’s big World Title match at Wrestlemania 19. Couldn’t imagine why they’d ignore that while celebrating Black History Month.
HighEnergyForever
ADR with the Van Awkwardsetupinator!
Aerial Jesus
Ambrose going for Dirty Deeds like a friendzone victim going in for a kiss.
Roman: “Whoa, Wha..? uh, what are you doing?”
Ambrose: “Oh? I, uh, sorry, I, um…”
Roman: “Lets just watch the movie”
Redshirt
Say what you want about Roman Reigns, but he is a hard worker. He works at the Concession Stands until his music hits.
TheGunslinger
Bubba Ray: For all of you that didn’t watch Smackdown.
WWE Universe: That would be “All” of us.
Sammy Davis Jr.
“AJ Styles has the face of a Hogwarts.” – I quit.
ChrisCantLose
Note to self: Tomorrow at work photoshop Zayn’s El Generico mask onto generic cool dad Jericho. El Jenericho.
PhilBallins
Brie: “Yeah, Daniel is alive, unlike your brother!”
Paige: “PULL BACK BRIE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PULL BACK!”
Thanks for reading, everybody. Share the column, and I’ll see you at the car race, or whatever that thing is on Sunday.
