The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 2/20/17: You’re Nothing

Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Kevin Owens turned on Chris Jericho during the Festival of Friendship in one of the best and most disheartening Raw segments ever. Everyone’s still very sad about it.

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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for February 20, 2017.

Best: You’re Nothing

When Kevin Owens debuted in NXT he was a selfish, violent, mean-spirited asshole who manipulated his best friend into trusting him long enough to throw him at the ground. When Kevin Owens debuted on the main roster, he was a selfish, violent, mean-spirited asshole who capitalized on the injury of his former best friend to swoop in, take a shot at John Cena and aggressively put him down.

Somewhere along the way (possibly via constant losses to John Cena), Owens became sort of your average WWE heel mid-carder. That’s not to say he wasn’t great. He was. He’s always been great, but as he drifted farther and farther into Rusev or Sheamus territory, he did the same thing they did. He struggled to find something that connected and allowed him upward momentum, and even when he was doing his best work he seemed stuck as a Jobber To The Stars. He’d be the second or third most important person in a match. Then, he won the Universal Championship, but only after Finn Bálor got injured, and only after Triple H beat up his opponent for him. He started being comedy Best Friends with Chris Jericho, another guy who was trying to dig himself out of a creative hole, and it clicked.

But still, Owens was now a coward who couldn’t win on his own. He defeated Seth Rollins three times in a row due to Jericho interference. He got into a feud with Roman Reigns, and only won via Jericho or Braun Strowman interference. Everyone loved Jericho and laughed at It and laughed at The List, and Owens would feud with like, Ashton Kutcher. He’d end up the fourth or fifth most important person in a segment, as the Universal Champion. He was entertaining, sure, but he was yellow, and there for laughs.

Now, thanks to that magnificent turn on Jericho, Owens is refocused. He’s a selfish, violent, mean-spirited asshole who manipulated his best friend into trusting him long enough to throw him at the ring apron, and throw him through a television, and throw him at the ground. Michael Cole is like, “something changed! This is a new Kevin Owens!” No. This is Kevin Owens.

This week’s Raw starts with a long, brilliant, and most importantly uninterrupted solo promo with Owens that rebuilds him into the character he’s desperately needed to be. He’s not a coward anymore. He’s the guy who will call Goldberg “Bill” and say he didn’t like WCW, and was never impressed. He’s the guy who could turn on his friend so egregiously they have to do a five-minute opening video package about it, and then not mention his friend in the promo. He only says his name when it’s over, and drops the mic instead of explaining himself. Because why should he? He’s a prize fighter. He does what he has to do. He beats people’s asses and feels great and terrible about it at the same time, because Kevin Owens can never feel great without the terror. That’s what separates him and Sami. Sami’s heart is battered, but still beating. Owens’ heart died somewhere way back when, and now his blood pumps through a little tightly-wound balled-up wad of self-hatred and spite.

The only downside to this is that at the end of the cycle, Kevin Owens is still wrestling Goldberg. And the plan in everybody’s brain is still Jericho vs. Owens at WrestleMania, probably for the United States Championship, and Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar, probably for the Universal Championship in the main-event. So as good as this is, it feels like it won’t be enough. It feels like back in 2013 when CM Punk was doing the best non-pipe bomb promo work of his entire career and not only standing toe-to-toe, but routinely trouncing the most popular talker in company history, and the end of his story was still, “loses the title to the part-timer before WrestleMania.” Thanks for your year of carrying us on your backs. Enjoy the middle of the show.

And you know what? Sometimes that’s the best environment for a WWE story. We boo Owens and we’ve seen him work his ass off and we know how great he is, and we’re resigned to the status quo, but maybe this time it’ll be different. Maybe Lesnar shows up and costs Goldberg the match. Maybe Jericho will help Owens win, and Owens will be like YEAH WE’RE STILL FRIENDS, and Jericho will turn on HIM and reveal he just wanted a shot at the Universal Championship at WrestleMania. Maybe something different will happen. Maybe is the most hopeful and disappointing word in pro wrestling fandom. But when that hope is there, that hope is there.

Two weeks of masterpieces. Get on this level.

Later in the episode, Owens is trying to leave and Mick Foley’s like, “hey, you can’t leave, you’ve got a match against Sami Zayn, that guy you weren’t ever supposed to fight again after Battleground but keep fighting, because I’ve got a weird hang-up on Sami Zayn.” Instead of being funny or “entertaining,” Owens is like, “be careful, you’re gonna end up with more hurt dudes than healthy ones.”

A little while later, Zayn gets asked about whether or not he’s gonna say I Told You So about Owens turning on Jericho, and he’s thankfully like, “yeah, I told Jericho about this five months ago but I don’t get any joy out of it happening, I’ve just known Kevin forever and this is what he does.” He makes the mistake of comparing Owens’ self-centered violence with Samoa Joe’s, despite getting the Marlo Stanfield “my name is my name” warning from Joe last week.

When it’s time for the match, Zayn confidently skanks out and gets blindsided. Word of advice for future Samoa Joe opponents: when you make your entrance, check your blindspots. If there’s a big Samoan dude in dress casual lurking over by the announce table, either return to the back or hustle your ass to the ring. But yeah, Joe destroys Zayn again, yelling “SAY MY NAME AGAIN” and “THIS IS YOUR WORLD NOW” while literally and figuratively crushing him. He tosses him into the ring, broken.

And like a true More Guts Than Brains babyface, Zayn tries to stand up and wrestle the match despite everyone in the world thinking it’s a bad idea. Kevin Owens is not going to miss an opportunity to capitalize on a Sami Zayn injury and beat him into the hospital. A few running clotheslines and running upside-down asses to the face later and it’s pop-up powerbomb, and all she wrote. Owens stands over Zayn with the Championship like he’s accomplished something, and we continue to put the pieces together about a smarter, less blatant Authority that supports the evil heels, but doesn’t necessarily go on TV and boast about it. Owens and Joe are out to kill these yappy babies, not engage them in half-assed handicap matches with shark cages and goofy stipulations. That era is over. Or at least, it needs to be. It’s time to put up your guard or get taken out with the fucking trash.

Meanwhile, here’s Brock Lesnar looking through the camera and peering into your damn soul as Paul Heyman puts over Owens, suggests that Owens has a chance to shock the world and beat Goldberg if Goldberg underestimates him the way Brock underestimated Goldberg, and then turns it around to say Brock will be happy taking the Universal Championship at WrestleMania along with Bill’s health and life and career and reputation.

Suddenly the heels on this show appear to have their shit together. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? A hero is only as good as his villains, so that means the heroes are doing well too, right?

Well …

Worst: It’s (Not) Bayley

The worst moment of the show for me, and honestly one of the worst moments in character development I can remember in a long time, is this segment about Bayley.

So, here’s the scenario. Bayley has wanted to be the Women’s Champion her entire life. Charlotte is the Women’s Champion all the time, keeps taking Bayley lightly, keeps getting pinned, and can’t seem to ever properly defend her title on Raw. Dana Brooke tried to interfere in last week’s Bayley/Charlotte Championship match, but Sasha Banks showed up to even the score, hitting Charlotte in the boob with a crutch and giving Bayley the win, and the championship. Charlotte did her CHARLOTTE’S LAWYERS thing and said that if Bayley is the kind of person she says she is, she’ll realize she didn’t win the championship fairly and give it back.

If you want to book female characters with agency in old school pro wrestling storylines, there are two options here. One is for Bayley to realize that yeah, she didn’t win the championship fair and square, and she wants to, so she’s going to make the tough but noble decision to relinquish the title. That would cause some drama with Sasha, give Charlotte even more scumbab champion heat, give Bayley a deadline of sorts to try to either get back the championship or get into a championship match at WrestleMania, and, most importantly, leave the decision-making, heat, logic and reason to the characters actually performing the story. The other option is to have Bayley smarten up and say, “I might not have won the championship fair and square, but Sasha only helped me after Dana tried to interfere, like Dana always interferes. I’ve pinned Charlotte a bunch, and no decent wrestler’s come out here demanding flip-flopped results when the bad guys cheat, so I’m just gonna say tough titty, or whatever version of that Bayley would say. I know where I work. Shit’s like this. Stuff. Stuff‘s like this.” Again, the agency would be on Bayley for choosing this and make her look conscious of her career, it would solidify her friendship with Sasha, it would acknowledge Charlotte and Dana’s history of foul play, and give Charlotte some angry motivation for being called on her shit.

Instead of ANY OF THIS, Stephanie McMahon shows up and tries to emotionally manipulate Bayley into giving up the Women’s Championship. Stephanie McMahon had absolutely nothing to do with this. Steph’s like, “hey Bayley, think about the CHILDREN, and think about what a bad ROLE MODEL you’ll be.” Bayley’s about to give it up when Sasha interrupts and sticks up for her. Then the conversation becomes Sasha Banks vs. Stephanie for Bayley’s soul or whatever, and Bayley ultimately says “hell no,” she’s keeping the belt. Everyone cheers. Stephanie is mad, for some reason. Bayley sits in on commentary for Sasha/Charlotte and says some of the stuff I listed up there about Dana cheating and Sasha only helping in self-defense, but it’s too little, too late. Bayley’s been almost completely removed from the equation, Raw’s one well-meaning female character has started ignoring facts and emotional logic for self-aggrandizing title-raising, and Stephanie is the point. “Stephanie’s right!” “Some say Stephanie McMahon started the Divas Revolution!”

It just feels like a waste of a good storytelling opportunity, and a waste of all that character work that made us like Bayley in the first place. The difference between Bayley and Davina Rose isn’t a ponytail, it’s the work that went into saying, “this is who she is, and this is why she does what she does.” Now she’s just kinda like everybody else. Those inflatable tube men are innocent fun, but they’re also used by car salesmen, you know?

Like always, and I do mean always, Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks is good. Pretty bold of them to do Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn and Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks on the same episode, am I right, folks? I’m sure there’s a Christian vs. Randy Orton match on here somewhere. And Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston. Or Rusev. Or Baron Corbin. Or literally anybody Dolph Ziggler’s ever wrestled.

Anyway, the point is just to flip the roles and do what they did last week to continue to justify the result. Here, Dana Brooke decides to leisurely jog down to the ring to interfere, and Bayley jumps her to stop it. That distracts Charlotte long enough for Sasha to gain the advantage, Bank Statement her about as slowly as Dana was running, and get the submission victory. Because Charlotte loses all the time on Raw, and is a Mecha Shiva of Goldberg with Stone Cold Steve Austin sitting on his shoulders at pay-per-views.

Best: Hey, Welcome Back, Mick Foley

In one of the most unexpected Bests of the episode, especially after what Stephanie pulled in that Bayley segment, Mick Foley stops being a brain-damaged codger who writes city names on his palm like a month after that was even mildly funny and coaching his mannequin daughter through fake wrestling training for a fake reality show on a fake TV network to be Mick F’ing Foley for a second. Stephanie’s berating him about his job performance, because burying Bayley and Sasha and the Women’s Championship and human decency wasn’t enough, and Foley finally stands up to her. He tells her to stop treating him like he’s stupid, and that he refuses to let her greed and secrecy get in the way of what he knows is right. WELCOME BACK, BROTHER.

Steph responds with an ominous “I wouldn’t want you to have an accident,” so I’m guessing next week’s episode involves Braun Strowman bringing Mick Frank the Clown’s head in a box or whatever.

Best: I Am … Sarah Pierce

“Broad Strowman” Nia Jax gets another squash victory this week, and because like 20% of my readership comes from people googling “who was that jobber on Raw,” here you go: Sarah Pierce is southern California indie wrestler Heather Monroe. Here she is wrestling Independent Nia Jax, Ruby Raze.

After the match, Jax talks exclusively through her nose to Power Girl about wanting a shot at the Raw Women’s Championship. Nia should start wrestling in those Harlem Heat breathing strips and see if it helps. I feel like if you punched her in the nose it’d be like exploding an oxygen tank.

Best: Miss U, BO

Part of me wishes this video package had ended with Vince McMahon in a doo-rag screaming, AND NOW MY FRIEND IS PRESIDENT! and setting the Bill of Rights on fire.

What We Did Inside The Purple Ropes This Week

They changed the ropes to purple and back again twice in this episode, for a grand total of zero (0) matches.

Up first is Akira Tozawa vs. A Brian Kendrick, which ends during the pre-match Code of Honor handshake when Tozawa has reservations about shaking, and Kendrick feels disrespected and attacks him. I like that Kendrick seemed like Cruiserweight Classic Kendrick again, using the ring in a creative way to hurt Tozawa, and I even liked him explaining to Kara Zor-L about why he won’t be disrespected, but I also would’ve … you know, liked a match. I guess we’ll get there. I wish the cruiserweight division didn’t tell the same stories in the same style as the heavies, but at least they’re attempting a story again, and it doesn’t have anything to do with pixel sunglasses.

The other Not Wrestling of the evening is a contract signing for Fastlane: End of the Lane between Neville and Jack Gallagher. I really loved this because my love for Nev is STRONG right now, but it also felt … what’s the best way to say it, weirdly counter-productive?

Gallagher has the ring set up with British flags and tea and biscuits, because of course he does. Neville stomps down to the ring, signs the contract without even looking at Gallagher and tries to leave. Jack stops him all SPOT A TEA GUBNAH, and Neville launches into a great bit about how Gallagher is the stereotypical cartoon character British Guy WWE wanted him to be, and that the fans want. Because fans need cardboard cutouts of nationalities and cultures, they can’t handle a real guy from a foreign place. They’ll just boo him for being ugly, or having an accent. ‘Sup, Rusev. Jack’s response starts strong — he’s not pretending, this is just who he is and how he was raised — and then devolves into that terrible WWE thing of “you think you’re good, which means you think you’re better than the FANS, which I WON’T STAND FOR! THESE STRANGERS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE!” And Neville is jacked to the moon, holding a championship belt, standing in the ring with Count Duckula’s maid for the BENEFIT of all these people. This is his JOB. This is not their job. If you’re clearly better than everyone else and the champion and people paid to come to an event you’re defending a championship on, can’t you just come to the ring and sign a damn contract without putting in Austin Powers fake teeth and go-go dancing about how the fans make you horny baby?

Don’t get me wrong, I like Jack Gallagher a lot as a wrestler and a performer, and I even like his cartoon thing, but Neville is so right, and Jack needs something stronger than, “yeah, but the fans,” as a response. Especially if Neville is built like a Spartan and ready to kick his head off and he’s out here built like Simon Pegg, eating biscuits and pointing umbrellas at folks.

Best: Thank You Sheamus ?-?-???

Earlier in the day on Monday, it was announced that Sheamus and Cesaro would face Enzo Amore and Big Cass for the number one contendership to the Raw Tag Team Championship, because they are two of maybe five-at-best tag teams on Raw. Golden Truth and the Shining Stars have just sorta disappeared into the wind. In response, Enzo made one of the worst tweets you’ll ever attempt to read:

If you can read that with any response more positive than “… what?” you might be an inhuman.

I don’t want to say Enzo Fatigue has officially kicked in across the WWE Universe, but the same crowd that did “you can’t teach that” with him chanted “thank you Sheamus” — SHEAMUS — when Enzo got kicked in the face after the match. I mean, how are you supposed to watch a Gonzo-ass chicken-fucker yell WE GOT THAT KRYPTONITE WE GOT THAT KRYPTONITE WE GOT THAT KRYPTONITE without wanting to see him get booted?

Other than that, the highlight of the match was this little girl, who taught us a valuable lesson about doing Enzo Amore hand gestures in an arena full of cameras:

Adorable. I think we’ve all been there.

Best: Russian Hacking Jokes On Raw

Last week, Bo Dallas ripped up the New Day’s manila folder of Ice Cream Blueprints. This week, they’ve pieced the plans back together and made them digital to protect them. Lana reveals that she also has access to the plans, and starts listing off absurd ingredients to prove it. They’re trying to sell ice cream with owl guts and horse hair in it, y’all, I don’t think you’ll want to eat that. And Booty Juice, which I’m still pretty sure means diarrhea. Butt sweat, best case scenario. Anyway, the funny joke here is that Lana is Russian, so she’s good at hacking. Surprisingly topical, guys.

They have a match, which is less important. New Day wins, Woods gets Lana’s tablet and rips it up, and presumably that was the only place Lana stored the ice cream plans. I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what’s more depressing, the fact that New Day followed the longest-ever reign as Tag Team Champions by getting into a non-specific ice-cream-themed feud with the entire heel undercard, or that they’ve the “hosts” of WrestleMania instead of wrestling, like some pre-Crisis trilby-ass Mike Mizanin.

Worst: This Again

Last week, Roman Reigns defeated the Tag Team Champions by himself when they wouldn’t stop attacking him. He managed to recover, beat them both up and send them fleeing. This week, Roman Reigns LOSES to the Tag Team Champions when he wouldn’t stop beating their asses with a chair. He also hits his finishers on them, including a spear counter to a Alberto Del Rio-style Flying Nothing from Karl Anderson that looks more like Enzo’s DDT than a spear. Join us next week when Roman Reigns beats the Tag Team Champions by himself.

The only good part of this for me was the Seth Rollins ladies getting HYPE AS HELL for that spear.

The only way it would’ve been better is if they’d covered their mouths when they realized they were on TV.

Best: HOSSPOCALYPSE

Finally we have our main event of Braun Strowman vs. The Big Show, which is … dope? Dope as hell? Wait, is that right? *shuffles notes*

Yeah, I don’t think I saw it coming, but Strowman and Show ended up stealing the show. Try saying that 10 times fast. There’s a little touch of the Kane and Big Show chain-wrestling magic from a decade ago plus Strowman’s unarguably incredible speed and strength, plus Show’s sudden physical fitness en route to Shaq at WrestleMania. This was something special, and one of the best Raw matches of the year so far.

There isn’t much to say, other than “wow,” “I thought for sure they were gonna do the ring collapse gimmick again,” and “that match is going to be better than whatever else Show and Strowman do at WrestleMania.” That’s probably the best Big Show match since his Sheamus feud. Oh, wait, there is one more thing to say. ROMAN REIGNS.

After the match — the hard-fought match in which Braun Strowman impressed everyone, worked his ass off, won fair and square with power and validated his requests for more competition — Roman Reigns jumps him and tries to beat him up. I swear, they’re either pitch-perfect trying to make us subconsciously hate the guy, or they’re tone deaf as hell trying to make him Stone Cold Steve Austin and Goldberg’s handsome The Rock baby. The best/worst part is that Roman gets skunked, so now dude just lost a fight to Strowman after Strowman got pushed to something resembling a limit by someone called THE WORLD’S LARGEST ATHLETE.

Can we try making him a slightly smaller dog?

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Redshirt

Why couldn’t they film Actress Paige beating Actress AJ in Chicago. I would’ve loved watching the Great WWE Riot of 2017 on CNN.

The Real Birdman

Remember when Jinder betrayed Heath Slater for a Raw contract? What an idiot.

Ryse

Joe enforcing that last time ever stipulation with a vengeance.

Cami

So did EMMA debut tonight?

Entree3000Calories

Why doesn’t Bayley just hit back at Steph about ALL the times others have interfered with a match or won by dubious means and she didn’t say NARY A PEEP.

Southern

smh im a dental hygienist

JacksSmirkingRevenge

“Vince McMahon of the failing Monday Night Raw – least viewers in 22 years – airs fake news promo about how wonderful the terrible failure Obama was! Thought he was my friend, must be jealous! SAD!” – @realdonaldtrump, 30 sec ago

Baron Von Raschke

You are no gentleman, Gallagher! No gentleman would end a sentence with a preposition!

Clay Quartermain

I’m hoping Owens respects Canadian traditions and wears a metal plate under his shirt to counter Goldberg’s spear after secretly losing weight for months to hide the difference

ChrisCantLose

I was gonna jokingly say “come on Mick, Roman doesn’t need a partner to beat the tag champs” but apparently Roman watches this show too.

That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading. If you’re wondering what I thought of the George ‘The Animal’ Steele tribute video, I thought an incredibly sad face, and if you’re wondering what I thought of Diamond Dallas Page going into the Hall of Fame, it was mostly jokes about how he should be inducted by the Booty Man. I’m kidding. I’m extremely happy for pro wrestling’s Buck O’Neil.

Be sure to click the social share buttons and spread the column around, and drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of the show. And hey, I’ll try not to beat you over the head with it too much because it only lasts for two weeks, but if you read the column and regularly read and love it, please consider dropping a few bucks into my movie post-production fundraiser so I can live my dreams or whatever. If it helps, picture me doing this with your money: