Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: WWE went to Scotland, where creative’s only ideas were, “debut the guy from Scotland,” and, “if you have a championship, you’re getting pinned.” Also on the show, Stephanie McMahon told Team Raw they needed to get along, so she made them wrestle each other. Like you do.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for November 14, 2016.
Best/Worst: Three Hours Of The Exact Same Match
This week’s show begins with Stephanie McMahon and a conversationally past-the-point-of-no-return Mick Foley announcing that Raw will be full of “can they co-exist?” tag team matches featuring rivals they’re expecting to get along at Survivor Series. They’re like, “Roman Reigns, you and Kevin Owens are teaming up to face Sheamus and Cesaro … and that match will happen, right now!” And then they have to stop and announce several more matches exactly like it.
So on the positive tip, this is a little different from the normal Raw. We feel like we’ve been watching the same episode on loop for a few months, so slotting in a bunch of tag team matches, even if they all have the same core point, feels like a slight variation. An alternate route to the same place, you know? At this point Stephanie could wear a hat and I’d be like, “well, Stephanie wore a hat, so at least it’s not EXACTLY like last week.”
On the negative side, this episode has two major creative problems:
1. As mentioned, almost all of the matches are the same. It’s rivals who have to team up at Survivor Series teaming up to face less important people — Reigns and Owens facing Sheamus and Cesaro, The Club and Enzo and Cass teaming up against the jobber tag teams, Sasha and Charlotte vs. a team with Alicia Fox on it, and so on — briefly not being able to co-exist, then co-existing. We’ll go over them individually in a moment.
2. This is all in the same of BRAND SUPERIORITY~, which is extremely important to everyone because the different brands that aren’t actually different brands have been separated for three months. So important, in fact, that even after establishing how volatile their rivalries are in the same episode, guys who hate each other will stand together independent of preexisting rivalries or grudges because RAW IS BETTER THAN SMACKDOWN or vice versa. More on that when we get to the main.
And these two points come together almost constantly. Why is anyone working together to do anything? Stephanie McMahon vaguely threatened the male singles Team Raw about losing their jobs, but why? They don’t get anything if they beat Smackdown. The rivalry is 100% unearned, and nothing’s on the line. The winner doesn’t get more spots in the Royal Rumble. They don’t get the #30 spot. Their show doesn’t get to go on last at WrestleMania. They don’t win money, or TV time, or ratings. They don’t even win a Bragging Rights cup. They’re literally fighting for nothing, because a rich brother and sister who got handed TV shows want their show to be “better” than the other. The “state of the WWE” boils down to two former stars that can’t go anymore yelling at each other through these foggy veils of brain damage about nothing, for the benefit of the two most privileged and insincere characters in the company. It’s the ultimate in WWE saying something is a thing without putting in the work to actually make it a thing.
Worst: Mick Foley Dancing
He looks like a Flintstones character about to take off running.
All right, let’s go over these matches.
Up first is The Big Dog, teaming with a guy who is apparently the top champion on the show (?) against Sheamus and Cesaro. The entire point of Sheamus and Cesaro’s team is that they can’t get along and have been forced to work together, but they don’t like, offer any perspective here.
This was the best of the four matches, I think, probably because it went on first. Owens and Reigns can’t get along and keep bickering, which gives Sheamus an opportunity to hit a Brogue Kick. Sheamus then does the Luke Gallows “stunned” animation while Reigns decides which ropes to bounce off of for a spear. With Sheamus out, Reigns does the Good Teammate thing of pulling Owens onto him so his team wins.
I guess the most concerning part of this is WWE’s never-ending love of singles stars who can’t get along being instantly and forever better than their best tag teams. Owens and Reigns can argue with each other, fuss and fight, but are still able to like, beat up Sheamus and Cesaro in their peripheral vision. It’s like they’re texting and driving, in wrestling form.
That’s followed by The New Day, WWE’s longest reigning champions and noted example of the benefit of being on the same page, losing to three guys without titles who don’t get along.
Like I said, these matches are exactly the same. The important characters (read: the singles stars) beat the less important characters (the tag teams, apparently) despite not being able to work together, to prove that they can work together. It’s fine, and it’s a little different, but it’s also kind of a bummer the longer you think about it. How great is that 450-day New Day tag title reign when they lose practically every match that isn’t for the titles?
On a positive note, Braun Strowman goddamn rules in this match. It’s a little much to call him the “ace” like Michael Cole does, but he’s every bit as big, fast, powerful and surprising as they want him to be. He pretty much wrecks New Day by himself, and if this is building to anything but him being surprisingly eliminated first at Survivor Series, I’m into it. It kinda feels like a signature Big Show/Mark Henry “he’s the biggest and strongest, he’s the favorite, OH NO HE’S GONE” gag, but if they keep paying attention to him and nurturing his push without exposing him too much, sending him out to wrestle 30-minute Roman Reigns-style matches or repeating one step too many times, they could seriously have something seriously special.
While we’re at it, a supplemental Best for Chris Jericho’s nautical-themed pashmina afghan, and a supplemental Worst for Seth Rollins’ ungrateful ass turning down a free peace offering scarf. That’s Silkk the Shocker stomping on the cowboy hat the West Texas Rednecks gave him as a birthday present levels of ungrateful. Next week, Jericho should give him a tiny Seth Rollins statue head in a box. Or like, a dick.
After that, we take a break from Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair to team Sasha Banks and Charlotte Flair against Nia Jax and Alicia Fox. Bayley is on commentary, where I’m surprised she wasn’t jumped by Dana Brooke. And don’t worry, Sasha and Charlotte made sure to argue backstage and remind us that Sasha has a rematch clause for the Women’s Championship, because they are going to wrestle each other forever and ever.
But yeah, same deal here. Sasha and Charlotte can’t get along to the point of physically hitting each other in the face until they fall down, but they’re still more important characters than Jax and especially Fox, so they can hurt themselves and still win easily. I think Alicia Fox taking the loss here is the most telegraphed moment of the night.
Finally — I told you, it’s basically the entire show — Enzo and Big Cass team up with The Club to face Golden Truth and the Shining Stars, prefaced by The Club getting called diarrhea babies to their faces and not doing anything about it. Like everything else, Enzo and Cass and The Club are the more important characters, so they win despite “playing mind games” with each other. At one point in the match, Golden Truth pulls one of their own teammates out of the ring to keep him from helping, and the announcers are like, “I don’t know why that happened, but whatever.” Even they seem so tired.
Also like the other matches, there’s some positive here. The Club finally got to show a little of their New Japan personalities, hitting a Magic Killer and doing the Scott Hall point to get Enzo fired up and on the top rope, just to steal the pin and leave him standing there. That’s GREAT.
This all culminates in the main event, which is … Stephanie McMahon and Shane McMahon work-shooting all over each other for 10 minutes. It’s a “Survivor Series Summit,” which is different from a “State of the WWE Address,” which is different from the beginning and end of every show.
Stephanie and Mick Foley bring out Team Raw and have them surround Shane and Daniel Bryan, which doesn’t really make any sense given the alignments of the people ON Team Raw, but since they’re Raw and these guys are Smackdown and that’s all that matters, it happens. That causes Team Smackdown to come out from the crowd and surround the ring, only to … uh, get in the ring, stand shoulder-to-shoulder and let Team Raw insult them. No idea. They get a bigger reaction than anybody on Raw, though.
The good here is that the segment felt fresh and exciting, and did a lot to make you wanna see the match. It’s especially fun given the water-treading feel of the rest of the show. Plus, James Ellsworth (aka “Chince McMahon”) being absolutely DEVASTATED to get his name on The List might’ve been the best moment of the show:
Things I didn’t like:
– The alignments are so wrong here. I wrote about it a little before, but seeing a Raw team that’d been at each other’s throats all night suddenly being buddy-buddy because they’re standing across from a bunch of people they already know and have varying opinions about was weird. Just as disheartening was Dean Ambrose just hanging out with AJ Styles, because Smackdown vs. Raw is more important than anything actually happening in these characters’ lives. And yo, Ambrose has NO COMMENT on Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns being pals? He’s just gonna hit Chris Jericho with a microphone?
– Also, a little disappointed that Braun Strowman didn’t immediately charge and murder James Ellsworth for continuing to exist.
– Bray Wyatt wearing a Smackdown tank top. If you ever needed a reason to not take his character seriously, there you go. He’s a spooky demon who’s gonna bring down the machine … unless he needs to represent that machine in a WWE Network version of American Gladiators, or whatever. Also, his speech about Braun Strowman. “This is how you repay me?” Bruh, he got drafted to a different show and made it onto Team Raw by winning a battle royal. It’s not like he’s gunning for you personally. Maybe you should be more worried about Shane McMahon being on your squad where Luke Harper should be?
– Speaking of Shane, Shane’s the one who can take out Braun Strowman. BECAUSE OF COURSE HE CAN.
So again, that’s the show in a nutshell. There’s some positive stuff happening and it’s not the same flavor of stale, but there’s so much confusing shit happening around it it’s hard to really enjoy it outside of a vacuum.
So What Else Happened?
Best/Worst: Sami Zayn Wins A Match!
Sami Zayn’s got an Intercontinental Championship match against Dolph Ziggler (or The Miz, if they’re smart) at Survivor Series, so he’s got to pick up another win on Raw. This week’s victim is Bo Dallas, who we hope enjoyed his few weeks of squashing jobbers before returning to being squashed. Part of me wants to go back in time to 2014 when I was writing about Sami Zayn and Mr. NXT and … well, there’s not really a joke here, I just want to go back to that.
Worst: The Cruiserweight Acting Workshop
Some say Brian Kendrick started the cruiserweight revolution.
Watching the cruiserweights act reminds me that you learn more in NXT than how to wrestle. It’s like watching that part of a Barney & Friends episode before Barney shows up, where child actors are just gesturing wildly and trying to get their shit in before the dinosaur teleports in and steals their thunder.
That leads to Brian Kendrick vs. Sin Cara, which is absolutely the Buff Bagwell vs. Booker T of the cruiserweight division with about 1/4 the heat. The crowd looks like they’re doing the mannequin challenge.
If this is the last cruiserweight division match on Raw, thank God. They don’t know what to do with them. Raw cruiserweight matches are regular WWE matches in miniature, with clubber forearms and slow chinlocks all building to a suicide dive and some finishers. It’s the cruiserweight division, guys, not the Dean Ambrose division.
The very best thing they could do is give Kalisto the belt, build the division around a few actual established WWE superstars who fit the mold of exciting high-flying guys, ship them to Smackdown where the writing team is into building shit instead of leaning as hard as possible on the intersection of reputation and fragile masculinity, and let one actually good, thoughtfully-booked cruiserweight match a night be the lead-in for 205 Live.
Also, have Neville show up on Tuesday in a blue t-shirt and nobody mention it.
Emmalina Is Still Still Still Still Premiering Soon
Congratulations to Emma on her new “upcoming Legend of Zelda game” gimmick. Pretty soon there are gonna be more “Emmalina premiering soon” videos than episodes of Smackdown.
Best: FANTASY WARFARE JUST GOT REAL
Quick note: it’s not really “fantasy warfare” if it happened before. But I can’t convince you that the 30th Survivor Series isn’t the “30th anniversary of Survivor Series,” so whatever.
So yeah, this week Bill Goldberg and Brock Lesnar come face to face for the first time ever except for that one other time, and as old school Shouting About Families And Killing You segments go, it was pretty great.
The dynamic is simple. Brock Lesnar is a douchebag frat boy who has the body of a god-killing monster and the brain of a racist peanut. Bill Goldberg used to be a super hero, and he’s trying to fit into his old costume. Paul Heyman makes money promoting Brock Lesnar and a big time fight against Goldberg will not only be good for him and his client, but it’ll allow Lesnar to make up for a long-forgotten loss he’s never been able to get over. Well, we’re led to believe he can’t get over it. I don’t believe Brock Lesnar remembers what he was doing 12 years ago. I’m not sure Brock Lesnar can remember what he had for breakfast. He just kills and eats shit and repeats. He’s like a trash compactor as a human being.
This week, Lesnar and Goldberg square off from opposite sides of a jobber wall that’ll remind anyone old enough of the Mike Tyson vs. Lennox Lewis fight. Goldberg’s like, RAHHH, LET’S FIGHT, I’M OLD, and Lesnar mugs while Heyman eggs Goldberg on. Heyman’s like, “your kid is a butt,” and Goldberg’s like, “IF YOU MENTION MY KID AGAIN I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU,” and Heyman’s like, “oh but Mr. Goldberg, BUTT CHILD.” That’s the gist. Eventually Goldberg’s had enough and destroys the jobber wall just in time for Lesnar to briefly buck up, but ultimately bail.
That’s the perfect dynamic for the feud. Lesnar has nothing to prove, really, but he’s technically the only person in the feud with a real beef. He lost once a long time ago, and he wants that win back. He wants to conquer a thing he fucked up conquering when he was a flaky kid. Goldberg’s living in the past, but he’s GOLDBERG, so even in his old age and reduced size he’s still strong as balls and able to like, knock a building down by running into it with his face. There’s a lot on the line without there really being anything on the line at all, and that’s great pro wrestling storytelling. Aside from that one weird week in Minnesota, this feud’s been surprisingly on point.
Join us at Survivor Series, when Lesnar vs. Goldberg suddenly becomes about whether or not Smackdown is better than Raw.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
LUNI_TUNZ
Cole, that RKO couldn’t have been more outta somewhere.
Cami
Brock is going to murder Dadberg and raise Boyberg as free range Jimmy John’s meat.
NotACrook
SIERRA
MIKE
ALPHA
CHARLIE
KILO
DELTA
OSCAR
WHISKEY
NOVEMBER
Ryse
Shane and Daniel here to promote the superiority of 2 hours over 3 hours.
Aerial Jesus
WWE Address Speech:
Stephanie: CRUISERWEIGHTS FOR ALL!!!’
*boos*
Stephanie: “Very well, NO CRUISERWEIGHTS FOR ANYONE!”
*boos*
Stephanie: “Hmm…. Cruiserweights for some, inexplicable Roman Reigns powerups for others!”
troi
This is so much better if you pretend “Beast” is what Heyman calls his penis
Daniel Valentin
Goldberg: “I’m gonna rip off your head and feed it to him!”
Brock: “You should listen, Paul, I’d totally eat your head.”
The Real Birdman
I hope they go full Fantasy Warfare and Brock shows up as Doomsday to face Booster Goldberg
Baron Von Raschke
One of my favorite moments is when the face wins the title and the locker room comes out to the ring to celebrate and hoist the new champion on their shoulders.
When Kendrick loses to Kalisto next Sunday, the cruiserweights are going to come out of the locker room to hoist the loser on their shoulders to celebrate moving over to SmackDown!
Harry Longabaugh
How dare you, Sami! Dolph isn’t a Poison-inspired wrestler! He’s equal parts the Hitman and the Showstopper. He’s practically Bret Michaels.
Thanks for reading, everyone. Be sure to click those share buttons to spread the column around — seriously, help me out here, I need constant affirmation or Raw will steal my soul — and be sure to drop down into the comments section to let us know what you thought of the show.
See you this weekend for NXT TakeOver: Toronto, and also some other show!
