We already know that WWE’s Dean Ambrose will be out of action for up to nine months following his tricep surgery in December 2017. If you’ve been wondering what he’s has been up to during his time off, Renee Young’s podcast Regular Girls provides an answer: he’s been watching and judging the current season of The Bachelor with the same level of intensity we normally see from the Lunatic Fringe on WWE programming.
Regular Girls is a weekly podcast hosted by Young and comedian Stacey McGunnigle. It’s typically more about fashion, booze, and crystals than pro wrestling, although Brian Kendrick did show up one time to talk about conspiracy theories.
Ambrose, billed on the podcast as “Regular Jon,” had his first full-episode guest appearance a few weeks ago, and said he would return to talk about The Bachelor after declaring most of this season’s contestants “basic bitches.” This week he did just that. I’ve transcribed some of the highlights below, because this is important stuff.
Dean on the appeal of The Bachelor: “Basically, the first episode of The Bachelor is one of my favorite things to watch. A parade of women coming out one by one, all nervous on TV, a lot of them just stupid … ”
Dean on Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr.: “Let’s talk about this guy, Arie. First of all, crap name … Kind of goofy-looking … He sounds a lot like the dopey Amish boy, blonde, from 30 Rock … it’s not cool.”
Dean on Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., part 2: “He’s a race car driver. He’s shoving this down our throats.”
Dean on how to defeat Bachelor contestants if they try to double-leg you: “Quick sprawl and a good three-quarter nelson.”
Dean on the high number of contestants named “Lauren” this season: “There’s an excessive amount of Laurens.”
Dean on if he would be a good Bachelor: “I’d be the worst Bachelor ever.”
Renee on if Dean would be a good Bachelor: “You would be awful … You wouldn’t talk to anybody. You would sit and drink Jack and diet in a dark room … “
(Back to Dean) on Bachelor host Chris Harrison, who he initially refers to as ‘”Greg”: “That’s a great job … Just being there for all that buffoonery … You know he’s cleaning up, too. Especially on that first night. That’s another reason why the show is so great. You just look at him, and he just looks at the parade of women coming out and he says, like, ‘Yes .. the predator is on the prowl.’ I like to think that behind the scenes he is a scumbag.”
Dean on Arie, part 3: “He seems like kind of a baby.”
Dean on Arie, part 4: “The Bachelor himself is a little bit of a dolt and we don’t know that much about him … I feel like he might just be like a simple, dumbass race car driver/real estate worker … ”
Dean on contestant Chelsea: “She’s playing herself out of the game … but I still think she’s going to go far, because she’s ruthless.”
Dean on contestant Jessica, the TV host from Calgary, Alberta: “Let’s talk about this chick that’s not 26. No way in hell! When she came on, you know what I said? You know how I described her? ‘You know, she might have a chance here because she looks wise and experienced.’ Because she looks 40, 42! Claiming she’s 26 … No way.”
Dean on contestant Lauren S.: “She has no neck. She’s a bobblehead doll. Pretty girl, though.”
Dean on “Shark Girl” from last season: “She was my favorite character.”
Dean on how to win The Bachelor: “Be genuine.”
Dean says he will appear on future episodes with Renee and Stacey to discuss their “March Madness tournament of women, of wives.” I’m inclined to believe him, as he seems much more comfortable talking to his wife in podcast format than he was talking to Stone Cold Steve Austin.
But here is the most important thing to take away from this podcast: Vince, if you book Arie and/or Chris Harrison vs. Dean Ambrose at WrestleMania in a Kevin Owens vs. MGK-type situation, I will forgive every stupid celebrity WrestleMania guest you’ve ever had. I’ll even forgive that one time the cast of Entourage was on Raw.