Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Who loves ya, baby? Me, the person who gets down to the nitty and the especially gritty of Impact Wrestling every week — regardless of her physical and mental well-being — just for you. It’s getting harder and harder to write about this show, despite it technically being better than it was just a few months ago. But how many times can a person say, “This match was fine. It probably would have been better in a different company.” you know?
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact Wrestling on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world. That shouldn’t be too difficult, should it?
Previously: The best match on the card didn’t even: 1. Take place in the Impact Zone. 2. Get to air in full. Or even close to full.
EH: Are We Having Fun Yet?
So. Tyrus isn’t just here to send EC3 off — he’s here to stay. Well, “stay,” since this is Impact Wrestling. And this week is the passing of the torch on that front, as Tyrus beats EC3 in a wrestling match, the first match of the show. Well, “beats” EC3 in a “wrestling” “match.”
This is somehow the culmination of EC3 phoning it in for his last weeks here, as Impact really takes that whole “creative freedom” for the wrestlers thing to heart. They just let him goof off for an eternity — with Tyrus then barely beating him as a result. What a way to put someone over. It’s one thing for EC3 to talk so much trash at the beginning of the match (“Yeah, I said ‘BOY’!”) and backtrack as soon as Tyrus pushes him down.
But that’s the entire match. No, I don’t mean the match ends after that, I mean the entire match is stuff like this. EC3 stretches to stall for time, so Tyrus also stretches. Then EC3 continues to stall for time on the outside, and despite it reaching at least a 30-count, the referee is only like at six when EC3 finally decides to get back into the ring.
He doesn’t stay in the ring though. Because he has to take selfies — well, scroll through someone’s phone, only for that guy’s significant other to take the phone back before a selfie can happen — or bitch about a broken finger. Then Tyrus does a chicken impression (while the crowd half-asses a “CHICKEN” chant, my god), and it’s at this point that I wrote in my notes, “It’s almost like they knew they couldn’t get a good wrestling match out of this.” “Almost,” right?
It’s pretty funny, in a sad “lol TNA” way, that EC3 made sure to leave Impact without making anyone else look good, not even his friend (assuming it was even possible). Still, the Impact Zone chants for “EC3” throughout this entire match. Because Tyrus is Tyrus, after all. And the fact that it takes Tyrus as long as it does to take out this jokester is pathetic, especially since he looks absolutely exhausted by the end of what could never be described as a grueling match.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention: Tyrus does some ass-based offense on EC3 — a lot of rubbing — during this match. Then ends it all with the worst chokeslam ever.
EH: See The Idiot Talk
During EC3’s cell phone bit, Sonjay Dutt makes a comment about the Impact Zone’s “bad wi-fi.” Because I guess he wants congrats on a self-own or something? He really just likes to dunk on the Impact Zone and its fans — in a way that’s not even pointing out something like the front row crew, but instead mocking Josh Mathews for knowing fans’ names — despite not being a heel. Or maybe he is a heel, since he’s 100% team Sami Callihan this week, compared to indignant face, Josh Mathews. Yeah, Josh Mathews is a face this week.
ACE/EH: We Have The Technology
However, a new feature introduced this week is Josh Mathews and Sonjay Dutt in DeVoe’s pocket dimension, hyping upcoming matches and segments. It actually works, kind of.
The EH however is the contrast between Mathews’ big boy voice on commentary and how absolutely lethargic he sounds during these segments. There’s an obvious solution to that though: Don’t have Josh Mathews in either role. Problem solved! Especially since he ruins a “MY WIFE!”-esque punchline by not being able to properly pronounce “inanimate.”
EH: That Kind Of Is Some B.S.
Let me just get this out of the way (thanks to some comments from “the streets”): Impact should not start selling these new El Hijo Del Fantasma masks, because they’d probably get sued by Marvel if they did. Especially since Mathews and Dutt dance around the fact that it’s Punisher-inspired, where Mathews just says something about a “face” and changes the subject as quickly as possible.
This is a match, I guess. It’s the first of three times Braxton Sutter gets clowned in this one episode, and it’s kind of pathetic it takes Fantasma (who now has a tron and his AAA Latin American Championship with him) as long as it does to put him away. Though the story is to show — in case we didn’t remember from his role as Jerk Boyfriend the B.S. Man — how Sutter gets progressively more frustrated. He’s the one who initiates the handshake at the beginning (despite Fantasma’s hesitance), but then he’s disobeying the ref’s rules, then using the ropes for leverage, then grabbing the tights. So despite getting things that say he’s finally a real character and member of the roster, Fantasma is really just a prop in Sutter’s story.
Then we get Sutter’s post-match promo. Of course, the commentary team — I think it’s actually Dutt, given his later amusement — laughs through the whole thing. So if Sutter’s official heel turn was supposed to be taken seriously in any way at all, that doesn’t happen. I understand it leading directly into the Brian Cage attack (with the “THANK YOU, CAGE” chants), but there’s no reason Cage should be the only one who looks decent coming out of it. Fantasma can barely beat a joke (that’s a running thread in this show), Sutter is said joke, and Cage is Cage.
ACE: HIGH-OCTANE, FAST-PACED IMPACT ACTION
The best bit of commentary on this whole show is Mathews and Dutt suggesting that ALL WHEELS WRESTLING will end up on the Global Wrestling Network. Please.
ACE: The Non-Playable Character
I know the joke in this segment is the Japanese guy who can barely speak English saying “douchebag” (cutting edge stuff, guys), because Sonjay Dutt even repeats back that “he said ‘douchebag’.” But the actual funny part is Matt Sydal saying he can’t read Japanese and then passing the scroll to McKenzie Mitchell.
Sydal: [to Ishimori] “I don’t think I can read this, man. [to McKenzie] You read it.”
As if McKenzie Mitchell can read Japanese. In fact, her reaction is essentially, “Why the hell do you think I can read Japanese?” Even better is when she tells Dummy Sydal that it’s in English anyway. McKenzie Mitchell is surrounded by idiots. Idiots who think the Grand Championship is worth anything. Bless her.
Fine, ACE: At Least It Makes Sense
Has Kongo Kong gotten bigger? I can’t speak to him getting better, but he definitely looks like he’s gotten bigger.
While I really do love the smooth sax in Joseph Park’s theme, I’m ready to get to the obvious Abyss part so we can be done with this. There’s a “WE WANT GRANDMA” chant, you guys. The state of it all. Again, I’ll say this story is “technically” well done. But it’s leading to a Kongo Kong/Abyss match. Come on. (I’ll wait until after the actual match to officially decide if this is getting just Jimmy Jacobs over and not Kongo Kong.)
ACE: I Love The Nightlife
Trevor Lee: “With these bandanas, we’ve already got the LAX shook.”
Oh, Trevor. And now Caleb Konley’s wearing a silver, sparkly tiny hat, so I need a moment. You can’t help who you love, you know — especially when you have to grasp for something to enjoy with this show. The segment’s also got Trevor Lee apologizing to Las Mumbai Gatos … only to be a jerk with the milk joke. (But does that mean LAX should try to drown them? Yeah, actually. Sorry you boys can’t swim.)
EH: I Get It, Wrestling’s Not For Me
ALRIGHT, WE GET IT: THEY’RE GAY MEN WHO ARE ALSO WOMEN, WHICH ARE BOTH BAD. It’s not even said in any effective way at this point, it’s just Konnan on repeat. At least oVe got more than “ovary bitches” from him; you have Dutt comparing Lee to DAVID KORESH, and Konnan’s not going to call Cult of Lee out for being a damn cult?
Wait, I forgot: CULTS ARE GAY.
ACE: Thank God For Small Miracles
Alberto El Patron: “Yes — I finally remember your name [Johnny Impact].”
Congratulations to someone at Impact finally telling AEP to stop (after realizing way too late he should stop) burying their No. 1 Contender.
EH: Who Cares?
At no point do they explain why there’s a rematch (yeah, this match already happened a couple of weeks ago), nor is the end result any different. At least Rosemary’s spear to Hania looks great.
The Rosemary/Taya stuff can get an ACE, but they sure find a way to bury it in between a bunch of EHs, now don’t they? Woo. Taya actually gets to cut a promo too, which is a pretty big deal; the only other times she spoke during the previous regime were in a segment where she had to play a petulant child toward Karen Jarrett and another where she broke character because Thanksgiving.
EH: Please Stop Speaking
Mathews: “TAYA VALKYRIE IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE! IT’S THE REAL LIFE GAME OF THRONES! IT’S THE ROAD TO VALHALLA VS. RED WEDDING! THE ALPHA BITCH VS. LUCHA ROYALTY! WHAT A SCENE!”
If you can say that any of what Josh Mathews spews out actually sounds good, I’m afraid we’re never going to agree on anything. (By the way, I’m a fan of Taya. There’s no way Taya was “trending worldwide.” Someone please stop him from saying “trending worldwide.” It’s not a work, it’s just pathetic.) Meanwhile, Sonjay Dutt is stuck on a loop where he keeps saying — at one point, he just says it three times in a row — that we haven’t seen Taya for months.
EH: THANKS FOR NOTHING
KM officiates Laurel Van Ness’ “commitment ceremony,” confirming once and for all that there was absolutely no reason for any of the American Top Team garbage. Please, name one person who came off looking better after it. Colby Covington?
ACE: You It Her
Laurel Van Ness + wedding segments = a winner. That’s an obvious thing. This segment is one of the best things on the show, which I suppose doesn’t say much … But it does have Laurel get some agency in turning Braxton Sutter down — though I’m slightly disappointed she doesn’t take him up on his offer of polyamory with the Knockouts Championship — which is strangely empowering? Well, okay, not really — we were just recently reminded how terrible she was to him in the original Laurel Van Ness/Braxton Sutter/Allie story. But hey, it’s not like there’s much else to latch onto here, right?
I saw confusion about Laurel’s motivation during this segment, as she kept hoping someone (Allie) would interrupt, and allow me to explain. Laurel already failed epically in sneak attacking Allie. But she still wants to destroy her. So now she’s doing something truly crazy — “marrying” her championship — to try and draw Allie out. She wants good girl Allie to come out and maybe try to talk some sense into her, so she can attack her when her guard is down.
It’s not that ridiculous a thing to expect either, as Allie had previously supported Laurel and Grado’s relationship, despite everything she and Laurel had been through even at that point. Laurel knows she can manipulate Allie to see humanity in her. Or, she knew she could. Allie’s gotten past that now though, which is why she was able to prevent Laurel’s sneak attack and why she’s able to get Laurel from behind here. Laurel may be lucid-ish these days, but she’s still not seeing Allie as the genuine threat she’s become. That right there will be her downfall.
EH: The Only Thing Anyone Cares About
As I said before, Josh Mathews is a face this episode, so he goes into a psychotic rage over Sami Callihan piledriving Eddie Edwards on the ring apron in this match. You know, the spot Fantasma casually did to Edwards at Bound For Glory in order to receive an already announced GHC Championship match. (#ImpactLogic) Mathews calls Callihan a “contemptible son of a bitch,” Dutt says “I love it,” and it’s just all too much.
But the important thing about this all is the post-match, which retroactively explains why Mathews treats Callihan like a complete monster (even though it still doesn’t work). I’m not going to admonish Callihan, because this is far from the least professional thing on this show and in this company as a whole. I have months of receipts in the form of these recaps. It was an accident, an actual mistake. (Not in the way wrestling fans say a wrestler “made a mistake” for something like domestic abuse. Sorry, that’s a soapbox for something else.)
The thing that gets me is, I can’t even understand what the hell the spot was supposed to be. And with the way Eddie moves the chair, I don’t even think he knows what it was supposed to be. I think the worst part of all this is that Impact actually aired it and hyped it up on social media, instead of just cutting this part and making a vignette about oVe jumping Edwards backstage or something like that. It cuts away right after Callihan (who has a visible flash of “oh no!”) hits Edwards, but it’s still tacky and … Like I said, I don’t even know what the intent was.
By the way, the match leading up to it is so boring (and ends with a roll-up victory — which even Lashley didn’t get against Callihan) that it really feels like a stupid choice in attack to make in the first place. So boring that, naturally, Mathews throws out this gem: “And if you’re not on the edge of your seat watching this match, check your pulse.” I think that means the folks at the Impact Zone are legally dead though, so they should look into that.
And now, it is your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap and also comment, because I actually love reading comments. Crazy, right? Actually, considering the state of this show, it’s not that crazy at all.
