Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week Austin Aries defeated Eddie Edwards to retain his title, while Alisha Edwards returned to the ring against Tessa Blanchard.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for August 16, 2018.
It’s Smoke Show Time
I was already frustrated last week, and I really just can’t with this anymore. Four weeks in and Scarlett still hasn’t had a match or interacted with another Knockout. She’s still just humiliating men (in this case KM and Fallah Bahh) by wrapping them around her little finger. It’s not even that the segments are terrible — KM going in with his huge gross tongue is pretty funny. But the question is, why did you hire Scarlett Bordeaux?
Honestly, it’s part of a larger problem with Impact since Slammiversary, where they seem to have done an entire set of tapings in which almost nothing happens and no stories move forward. Everybody’s in a holding pattern, and for Scarlett, that means staying the new girl who’s being introduced but hasn’t wrestled yet. But this is a wrestling show, and if she’s joined the roster as a wrestler, it’s past time she wrestled! Like I said last week, I need Impact to give me something to judge her on besides these segments, or that judgement is not going to be positive.
Alisha Edwards Is Checking In On Eddie
Alisha Edwards may not be the best talker on the roster, but she’s a very good ex. She’s not about to take Eddie back (because he’s nuts), but she’s still genuinely concerned about how he’s doing (because he’s nuts). Honestly, it’s unusually human behavior for wrestling, and I’m kind of into that, especially as an aspect of the larger story of unhinged Eddie and his kendo stick, which has been surprisingly well told.
Allie Defeated Su Yung By Disqualification
I said before that no stories have been moving forward lately, and that’s been largely true here as well, with Allie, Tessa, and Su circling around each other in the orbit of the Knockouts Championship. Thankfully, there was some development here. Tessa showed up to attack Allie (her favorite thing to do), which gave Su the chance to attack Tessa, hitting her with a very disturbing Mandible Claw. Su Yung doesn’t care if you’re a face or a heel, and she certainly doesn’t care if you’re third generation wrestling royalty. All Su knows is death, red mist, and sticking her hand all the way into your mouth into you fall over.
There have been some big spoilers floating around about where this is going, but I’m not going to reveal them here, because that’s not what this column is about. If you’ve heard the spoiler, though, this feels like the turning point that leads in that direction, and it does so very effectively. Also, despite Tessa’s involvement, it’s rewarding to see Allie pin Su Yung. I’m not really sure how beating her in a non-title match will stop her from putting people in coffins, but perhaps we’ll learn more when the next step of Allie’s plan is revealed. Does Allie have a plan? Bunnies aren’t known for being methodical, but lately she seems to know what she’s doing.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
Fenix Defeated Sami Callihan
This was a fantastic and lengthy show-opener, which really highlighted what these guys can do. Sami’s a fantastic heel, and he looks way better with his head shaved, as unhappy as he still is about it. As for Fenix, he’s an absolute star, and every time he has a match in Impact I’m that much more excited that he’s here. After this match, Fenix had a backstage segment that revealed he’ll be facing Brian Cage for the X-Division Championship in two weeks, which is going to be fantastic. I wonder if Melissa Santos will be in the crowd?
Johnny Impact Defeated Jimmy Jacobs By Disqualification
Much was made of Jimmy’s decision to get in the ring with Johnny himself, only for Kongo Kong to sneak up behind Johnny and attack him on the ramp. Even though this didn’t amount to much of a match, it was a nice reminder that in addition to his many other talents, Jimmy Jacobs is also a wrestler of some renown.
Austin Aries and Killer Kross are Friends
So it turns out that Killer Kross, professional scary guy, is now the enforcer for Austin Aries, professional belt collector. I like this a lot as both a use of Kross and a new angle for Aries. As long as he’s got Kross backing him up, Aries is basically unstoppable. On the other hand, as soon as you start working with a guy like Killer Kross, you know the countdown has already begun to him betraying you. One of these days, however long it takes, we’re going to see Austin Aries on the floor with an “X” laid on him.
Eli Drake Defeated Joe Hendry
This is the ultimate example of how nothing seems to be moving forward on this show right now. This feud between Drake and Hendry, Grado, and Katarina is really just a build to Katarina leaving Grado for Hendry, and yet it’s gone on for weeks upon weeks now. Also, what happened to Katarina rejoining the Knockouts Division? That aspect seems to have been forgotten since she had that one match.
LAX Defeated the OGz in a Street Fight
Oh wait, at last a story reached a resolution! In a very urban variation of the standard Impact “going out in the woods” segment, Santana and Ortiz beat the crap out of Homicide and Hernandez, and then Konnan delivered a serious-looking final blow to King. So it seems the more recent incarnation of LAX is back on top, with the Tag Team Titles they rightfully earned back in their hands, and we won’t be seeing the OGz for a while. I’m good with all of this (although I still want Diamante back).
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Sami Callahan faces Pentagon Jr. in a Mexican Death Match, and Scarlett Bordeaux probably still doesn’t wrestle.
