Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week the Lucha Bros defeated oVe, and Austin Aries defeated a guy you hadn’t heard of.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for August 9, 2018.
Allie And Kiera Are Coming For Su Yung
Allie is refusing to be distracted by Tessa Blanchard while she pursues Su Yung. It’s got to be tough to have a vicious mad dog at your heels as you attempt to slay a dragon. Allie wants everyone to understand that her concern is about Su Yung hurting people, not about the Knockouts Championship. So her one-on-one rematch against Su next week will be a non-title match. I like Allie as a hero. She’s not just an honorable wrestle in the traditional babyface mode, she’s a protector of others, or at least she’s trying to be, and that makes her feel like something special. Hopefully, and most likely, the non-title stipulation will give her a chance to get a solid win in against the undead bride, even if Kiera Hogan has to single-handedly hold back six undead bridesmaids and one mean girl from North Carolina for that to happen.
Tessa Blanchard Defeated Alisha Edwards
I liked that Alisha Edwards was completely separate from Eddie this week. If she wants to focus on her own wrestling, here’s to her getting a chance to do that. Of course she didn’t present much of a challenge for Tessa Blanchard, but then few can. As low as the Knockouts Division is on babyfaces right now, I hope she gets more to do in the coming weeks, and her return to the ring doesn’t turn out to be entirely to give Tessa someone to beat.
Tessa’s Coming For Allie
Naturally, Tessa doesn’t believe for a minute that Allie doesn’t care about the Championship. So as long as Allie’s chasing Su, Tessa plans to chase Allie. Of course, the subtext here is that for all her bravado, Tessa doesn’t actually want a championship match with the deadly Blood Princess of Impact. She’d rather just be standing there when Allie regains the belt to immediately beat her up and take it from her (which also isn’t as easy as she pretends like it is, but at least she won’t end up in a coffin).
I’m actually kind of in awe of how good this booking is. You have a small division with two top heels — a muscular mean girl and a murderous demon from hell. It wouldn’t make any sense for them to be allies, but you also don’t want them to fight each other (at least not yet), so you have the top babyface caught in between them. As she pursues one, she’s pursued by the other. Tessa doesn’t care about Su or want anything to do with her, but she’s still an impediment to Allie’s attempts to defeat Su because Tessa just can’t help beating up Allie every chance she gets. Even Kiera Hogan, a sidekick right now with tons of potential for more later, fits into this storyline like a perfectly shaped puzzle piece. It almost makes me wish these were the feuds building up to Evolution.
Scarlett Bordeaux Still Isn’t Wrestling
I’m at a loss, y’all. I want to believe this is leading somewhere interesting. I don’t want to show up here every week and have nothing to say about Scarlett Bordeaux except “This seems sexist and dumb and I don’t like it.” But they have to give us something! This is three weeks of Scarlett parading around sexily without going near a wrestling ring or another female wrestler. Even worse, this week’s segment very specifically says she won’t be fighting next week either! I hope to god somebody comes out during next week’s “Smoke Show” and challenges her to an actual wrestling match, even though (thanks to all the good women’s booking I described above) I can’t really figure out who has time for that. Alisha Edwards, I guess? All I know is Scarlett has to do something involving wrestling and/or other knockouts, or I’m going to lose the last of my patience for this silly, silly gimmick.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
LAX and the OGz had a Backstage Brawl
The show opened, wordlessly, with LAX and the OGz beating the hell out of each other backstage. Later, Konnan gave an in-ring promo, and King responded from the balcony. Ever since Slammiversary, it feels like this feud is in a holding pattern with the two factions just circling around each other. Also, full disclosure, Konnan doesn’t work for me as a babyface at all. He’s a dirty old man making viagra jokes. Santana and Ortiz are great, but they deserve better leadership. I’m almost certain I’ve said this before.
Taiji Ishimori and Petey Williams Defeated the Desi Hit Squad
I was surprised that the new heel team on the block was beaten by a couple of guys who are just hanging out together for now, but the finish made it seem like this will lead to a segment next week where Gama Singh beats them with a chain or something. I can’t say I’m excited about that either.
Pentagon Jr. Defeated Matt Sydal
Now this, this is worth being excited about. It’s not for anything, it’s not building to anything (except maybe that Sydal is winning less than he used to), it’s just two guys who can wrestle going at it hard, and it’s great. If you only watch one match from Impact this week, make it this one.
Sami Callihan is Spreading the Baldness Around
It’s really funny how Sami Callihan is so freaked out and heartbroken about losing his hair, when we all know that his hair was kind of gross and there wasn’t even that much of it. Anyway, he wants at least one of the Crist brothers to lose their hair too, so oVe will “look like a family.” Dave resists the idea, but Jake concedes, so naturally Sami makes Jake shave Dave’s head.
Jimmy Jacobs is the Monster
Not much to say about this promo, which is short and sets up a match we already knew was coming. I just wanted to include the video because Jimmy Jacobs is the best and I love him.
Austin Aries Defeated Eddie Edwards to Retain the Impact World Championships
It’s fascinating that Eddie Edwards went through that whole storyline of becoming obsessed with violence, trying to murder dudes in the woods, alienating his wife and attacking his mentor, and now he’s come out the other side of it, still completely nuts, but on the babyface side of tweener. I guess that’s what happens when Tommy Dreamer gives your kendo stick his blessing. This was a good match, and did a great
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Allie gets back in the ring with Su Yung, Sami Callihan faces Fenix, and Scarlett Bordeaux does something, maybe.
