The Knockout Report: The Storm Clouds Are Gathering

Impact Wrestling

Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.

Last week Tessa Blanchard got a Mandible Claw from Su Yung, Austin Aries revealed his alliance with Killer Kross, and LAX took out the OGz on the street.

Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for August 23, 2018.

Scarlett Bordeaux Is Getting Weirder

This is a very sincere question I’m about to ask: Is Scarlett Bordeaux a demon? Before you say, “Of course not Elle, there’s no such things as demons,” allow me to remind you that this is Impact Wrestling, where demons, ghosts, and the undead absolutely do canonically exist. I’m wondering now about Scarlett because the way she appears in a literal puff of smoke and gets men to embarrass themselves for her is starting to seem increasingly supernatural.

She just grabbed hold of Grado’s mind in a mystical flash of desaturation and side cleavage, and immediately has him pole dancing for her and the still-under-her-sway Bobo. Scarlett doesn’t seem to find Grado attractive, so what’s her motivation for getting him to do this? It seems to be pure humiliation, but it’s not clear how that benefits her. Unless she somehow feeds off of negative emotions and the lustfulness of men. So yeah, I think she might a be a demon. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Kiera Hogan Defeated Alisha Edwards

These two diminutive babyfaces really gave this match their all, even though everybody knew it wasn’t really leading anywhere. Kiera in particular is amazing and full of potential, and I look forward to her having a bright future wrestling on television, whether it’s on Impact or elsewhere. As I’ve said before, Kiera is the only Hogan wrestling needs in the 21st Century. Alisha’s at a different place in her career, but I’m glad to see her back in the ring and giving it her all.

Despite how good this match was, the presence of Allie at ringside was a bit of a distraction, because it’s clear that whoever Kiera may be wrestling right now, it’s just a footnote in the story of Allie, Su, and Tessa. Sure enough, Allie congratulates her friend Kiera on the victory, but soon (with Kiera’s support), she’s back to talking about her own stuff.

Allie Is Settling All Family Business

Wherever it leads, Allie made the right call in this promo. She can’t focus on stopping Su Yung if she can’t stop watching her back for a sneak attack from Tessa Blanchard, so she needs a triple threat match to have a chance at both of them. Plus, last week confirmed that Su will attack Tessa just as quickly as she’ll attack Allie (plus now Tessa’s definitely mad at Su), so Allie probably doesn’t have to worry about getting ganged up on.

If she’s lucky, her two opponents will turn their viciousness against each other for long enough to give Allie advantage. On the other hand, she might well be unlucky in a ring with a vicious bully and an even more vicious undead monster. Ever since Rosemary’s been gone, Allie’s been struggling against the darkness, and next week she’s going to find herself in perhaps the darkest struggle of her career.

Allie just wants to take down her enemies, but later on backstage, Tessa points out that she needs a reason to show up for that match, too. She demands that the Triple Threat be for the Knockouts Championship, which it’s confirmed to be by the end of the episode. She doesn’t want to taste that dirty glove ever again, and she’s ready to bust out the Buzzsaw.

Meanwhile, In Guyville

Eddie Edwards Isn’t Done With Austin Aries, And He’s Not The Only One

I have to admit it, I’m very impressed with Eddie Edwards lately. He somehow took a storyline where he was pushed too far, lost his grip on reality, alienated his wife, and became obsessed with a kendo stick, and he managed to come out of it a babyface. This promo really proved it. He’s completely unhinged, but he’s an underdog against Austin Aries and Killer Kross, and the crowd could not have been more behind him. His heroic identity was fully confirmed when Moose came out to save him from Aries and Kross, setting up a tag team match for next week.

Matt Sydal Defeated Zachary Wentz

No offense to Wentz, but this match was all about building Sydal back up after his bludgeoning by Brian Cage. It did a fine job of that, and it was entertaining to boot.

KM and Fallah Bahh Defeated the Desi Hit Squad

The highlight of this match was that Fallah gave KM gear just like his, and even got him to take his boots off and wrestle barefoot. Considering they won against the very tough Desi Hit Squad, KM may even keep dressing like Fallah for future matches. It’s a fun step in the evolution of a very silly team.

Even Pool Parties Aren’t Safe For Johnny Impact

Johnny Impact took the night off from wrestling to hang out at the MTV Canada Beach House or whatever that was, but Kongo Kong appears from nowhere and attacks him, leading to a poolside brawl that ends with Kong in the water.

Brandon Tidwell and Mr. Atlantis Defeated the Cult of Lee

Usually when the Cult of Lee appears on Impact, I end up saying that they need something they’re not getting: A storyline, a leader, literally anything besides just showing up briefly, acting silly, and occasionally wrestling. Eli Drake is reluctant to be their leader (even though Trevor Lee’s accent gives him one of the best “Yeah”s in the business), but it’s weirdly encouraging that they lost to some random jobbers this week. If all you do is beat jobbers, the company probably thinks you’re fine even if you’re not, but once jobbers are beating you, it usually means how pathetic you are has become a storyline, and that storyline most likely helps you to a better place.

The OGz Killed A Kid, I Guess?

S0 LAX were having a party to celebrate their defeat of the OGz, but the OGz were speeding down the street in a car, and now a child is dead. Probably. They could just as easily come back next week and say that the kid’s in the hospital and he’s going to be okay, but on this episode he definitely looked dead. Actually no, the kid himself looked like somebody just asked him to lay in the street for a minute, but the reactions and the editing of the segment clearly implied this was fatal.

It wasn’t particularly tasteful, nor was it very effective as storytelling — we didn’t even know that kid! But it’s the sort of thing that happens in Impact Wrestling sometimes, and mostly it just means that the OGz aren’t going away yet, and LAX are more angry at them than ever. In the real world this would lead to either deadly retaliation or police involvement, but this is wrestling, and we all know it’s just going to lead to another wrestling match.

Sami Callahan Defeated Pentagon Jr. In A Mexican Death Match
This was a very entertaining hardcore match to put at the end of a regular Impact episode. The ring was surround by piñatas with weapons in them, which led to great images along the way like Pentagon Jr. holding a papier-mâché butterfly. There was a staple gun, the return of the electric hair clippers, and most the most painful weapon of all: legos strewn across the mat. Ultimately this was Sami’s time to get the better of Pentagon, which hopefully gives him more confidence in his new look, but this feud clearly isn’t over yet.

That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Allie, Su Yung, and Tessa Blanchard have a Triple Threat Match for the Knockouts Championship, and Fenix challenges Brian Cage for the X-Division Championship.