Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week Brian Cage defeated Matt Sydal to retain the X-Division title, and Scarlett Bordeaux made her debut.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for August 2, 2018.
Allie and Kiera Hogan Defeated Su Yung and the Undead Maid of Honor
This is the first time in the whole ongoing Knockouts saga since Su Yung first won the belt when I’ve felt like they were purely treading water. This was almost exactly the same tag match they had less than a month ago, just with Kiera Hogan (in super-cute blue ring gear) in place of the recently coffined Madison Rayne. I liked seeing Kiera more involved in the story, but she didn’t get much to do here. Seeing Allie get the upper hand on Su was an exciting hint of things to come, but then Tessa Blanchard ran in to beat up Allie and it was like “Oh, we’re just doing all this over again.”
I like all three of these wrestlers a lot (I have no strong opinions on the Undead Bridesmaid, I’m sure she’s a fine undead person), but what got me so invested in the Knockouts Division is that they tell stories and let things happen, so an episode like this where nothing new happens is a bit frustrating. Especially when you have two women on this episode talking about wrestling in the Knockouts Division, when letting that go ahead and happen would be fresher than this match.
Alisha Edwards is Ready to Move On
The first Knockout who’s excited to get in the ring soon is Alisha Edwards, who wants to move past the drama of her husband leaving her for a kendo stick and focus on her own wrestling career. Of course, Eddie has to interrupt to boast about how even though he’s not getting help for his stick-obsession, he’s totally going to be World Champion soon and then everything will be swell. I’m generally against husbands getting in their wives’ way, but on the other hand, interrupting this promo was the best favor Eddie could have done for Alisha. Bless her heart, that woman is not great at talking into microphones. On the other hand, Eddie’s “Okay, byeeeee” at the end is amazing.
Scarlett Bordeaux is Still Talking
Then there’s Scarlett Bordeaux, who debuted with an interview segment last week, and follows it up this week with another interview segment. Except last time she talked to Impact’s primary interviewer, Alicia Atout, and this time she talks to a cartoon man who’s too flustered by how hot she is to do his job. She doesn’t do any of the “women’s activist” stuff this time (other than the “hot-shaming” line), which is honestly a bit of a relief, but her general vibe is still pretty bizarre.
If being obsessed with her own hotness is supposed to be a heel gimmick, then sending her out with a living Tex Avery character to validate that hotness is a weird way to get it over. I’d have much rather seen her wrestle Allie, or Kiera, or even Rebel on this episode. She can keep doing these weird promos and wearing dresses with absurdly high slits up both sides, but ultimately I’m not going to know what I think of her until I see her in the ring and interacting with other Knockouts. Maybe next week one or both of those things will finally happen.
Meanwhile, in Guyville
The OGz Defeated Some Jobbers
The jobbers aren’t the point (not being the point is a key part of being a jobber); they’re just here to set the OGz up to have their victorious moment interrupted by the returning tag team champs, Ortiz and Santana. This feud is weird because I feel like it’s being booked as if the OGz won at Slammiversary and now they’re throwing their weight around while the plucky younger LAX fights back. But in fact the OGz lost to LAX, and then just stole the belts and now they’re throwing their weight around anyway. Also I respect Impact’s need for the tag team division not to be totally baffling, but character-wise I don’t get why the OGz aren’t calling themselves LAX. Isn’t being “the real LAX” their whole thing?
Desi Hit Squad Defeated KM and Fallah Bahh
KM and Fallah continue to be pretty fun, but I’m not into the Desi Hit Squad’s apparent gimmick of being more disciplined than the other tag teams because their coach is physically abusive. That’s not a cultural difference; it’s just bad coaching.
Johnny and Jimmy are at it again
Johnny Impact is talking to Alicia about how he wants Kongo Kong. The monster’s nowhere to be found, but his manager Jimmy Jacobs gets in Johnny’s face while claiming to be a nice guy. Johnny’s having none of it, and punches Jimmy in the face. Alicia’s having none of it either, and the casual way she immediately nopes out when Jimmy Jacob’s shows up is a nice touch. In any case, I’m just hoping the Johnny/Kong match was a part of this round of tapings, because otherwise we probably won’t be seeing it for a while.
Austin Aries Defeated Some Guy Named Dustin (And It’s Not Even Chuck Taylor) for the Impact World Championship
Dustin Cameron is the student of Anthony “Santino” Carelli, who was randomly set up for a title match with Aries last week. This segment is all about what a jerk Aries is. He comes to the ring in street clothes, eating a banana, and basically toys with Dustin until the kid gets the slightest bit of offense in, at which point Aries sets about teaching him a lesson. Pulling a guy up off the mat before the ref counts a pin so you can beat on him more is one of those old-school heel moves you don’t see much anymore, and when Aries does it here it’s a perfect illustration of what a dirtbag he is.
Santino throws in the towel and gets in the ring when Aries won’t back off, and eventually lowblows the Champ, right before Eddie Edwards shows up to hit Aries with a kendo stick for the second week in a row. Naturally, because this is a legitimate sport, that’s enough to earn Edwards a title match for next week. Later in the night, Santino gets beaten up by Killer Kross backstage, which will teach him to visit Impact Wrestling.
Eli Drake and the Cult of Lee Defeated Grado and Joe Hendry
I’m still not feeling the love triangle storyline, but I really enjoyed the use of Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley in this match. Eli Drake asked one of them to be his tag team partner for this match, but he was unclear about which one, so Trevor and Caleb spent the entire match arguing over who was Eli’s partner while Eli did all the wrestling. Those guys are a lot of fun when you give them something to do.
Matt Sydal is Questioning Everything
Sydal is moving on from the X-Division Championship after losing his rematch to Cage, so his usual pseudo-spiritual chatter takes a bit of a dark turn. The only guy worse than the white evangelist of Eastern Mysticism is that same guy when he starts telling you to “question everything.”
Pentagon Jr. and Fenix Defeated oVe
The Lucha Brothers are always fun to watch, and it was hard not to think about the swirling rumors that WWE wants these guys. On the one hand, I could get pretty excited about watching them fight the Bar or the New Day or whoever, instead of the Crist Brothers. On the other hand, that seems like it would be the end of matches like the one Pentagon had with Sami Callihan at Slammiversary. At the end of the day I’ll watch them wherever they go, but I have to admit I’m really liking them in Impact right now.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Austin Aries faces Eddie Edwards for the Impact World Championship.
