Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week Tessa Blanchard retained her Knockouts Championship in a rematch against Su Yung, but would have been sealed in a coffin without Allie and Kiera Hogan’s help.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for September 13, 2018.
Allie Just Wants To Help
So last week, Allie and Kiera saved Tessa from the coffin, but Allie wants to make sure you know that she doesn’t like Tessa. She just refuses to let Su Yung put anyone else in a coffin. In this promo she named everyone it’s happened to, and it’s interesting that it had a different effect on each of them. Rosemary was killed (although she’ll rise again one day in glory), Allie was traumatized, and Madison was transported to another reality and into the waiting arms of Mercedes Martinez. Who even knows what would have happened to Tessa if Su had closed that lid?
I’m very curious about where all of this is going. Another big match between Su and Allie seems likely for Bound for Glory if not before, but who does that leave to fight Tessa for the Championship? Maybe Tessa draws Allie into a one-on-one title match, leaving Kiera Hogan alone against the Undead Bride. That would be scary for Kiera, but it would also be a big opportunity for her.
When I watched this on TV, I thought maybe it had been cut off too soon by the commercial break, like what happened to the coffin segment last week. Seeing it on YouTube though, it really does end a bit abruptly with Allie proclaiming that Su Yung’s reign of terror is “far from over.” It seems like there ought to be a “It’s up to me to put a stop to it” or something.
Tessa Blanchard Doesn’t Need Your Help
One of the things that makes Tessa Blanchard such a great heel is that you never feel like she’s lying when she says that Allie is a bad, selfish person. That’s really how she perceives her, because like Lex Luthor looking at Superman she’s too selfish and spiteful to of conceive of anyone else being a better person than that. Weirdly, I think that’s why she’s less terrified of Su Yung than everyone else. Allie lives in a world of good and evil, demons and monsters and zombies, and friendships that can withstand the dark or be ripped apart by it.
In Tessa’s world, everything is about being on top. It’s about the Knockouts Championship and who has it. As long as she’s the one who has it, Allie is just as much of a threat to her as Su. I’ll be curious to see what happens if Allie tries to get in between Su and Tessa again, especially if Tessa’s awake this time. I don’t think that scene goes well for anyone.
Alisha Defeated Katarina
This was the only Knockouts match on the card this week, and it’s not even a real match. It’s a chance for Joe Hendry to do another song about Katarina (which is not as amazing as last week’s, but still pretty funny). I admit I didn’t get the “pirate brother” joke, because I wasn’t watching WWE at the time, but I’ve since been filled in on the whole Paul and Katie Lea Burchill thing. Sounds creepy. Anyway, props to Alisha for getting the win, even if it was the most WWE Divas Division of circumstances. I do love the “What else was I gonna do?” face that Alisha makes afterward.
Scarlett Bordeaux is a Supernatural Fiend from the Underworld
I’m about to write the nerdiest thing I’ve ever written, and I used to cover comics, so please bear with me. I’ve been saying that Scarlett Bordeaux is a demon, but it occurred to me that it doesn’t make much sense because Rosemary was a demon and she was nothing like Scarlett whatsoever. Then I remembered my Dungeons & Dragons lore, and I realized that Scarlett’s not a demon, she’s a devil. Demons are all about chaos and disorder. They’re messy, like Rosemary. Devils are about control and manipulation. That’s Scarlett Bordeaux.
Scarlett’s Lawful Evil, getting the producers of the show to keep the other Knockouts away from her by official decree. Rosemary started out Chaotic Evil and later became Chaotic Good, but she never fully stopped being chaotic. Su Yung is also Chaotic Evil, but I don’t think she’s a Demon, she’s just Undead.
Anyway, whatever manner of creature Scarlett is, she’s definitely magical, because in this scene she literally appears in a puff of smoke. She doesn’t even walk in amidst the smoke, she’s just already their lounging on the couch in her most outrageous outfit yet. There’s no way KM and Fallah wouldn’t have seen her if she was already there before the smoke rolled in. When she first introduced herself as the Smoke Show, I don’t think anyone guessed how literal that title would be.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
Heels on Love Seats
The show opened with Austin Aries, Killer Kross and Moose sitting on stylish curved gold love seats in the ring. It was a great look for a heel faction, and the gold looked better on the furniture than on Moose, who’s now toned down his flashy heel clothes to just black with sparkles. It’s a much better aesthetic all around. Then Fallah Bahh and KM came in to challenge the heels because last week Scarlett told them to be go-getters. After some unapologetic banana-centric fat-shaming, Aries agreed to a title match with Fallah, clearly not feeling threatened.
The Lucha Brothers Defeated the Cult of Lee
This was a good match (how could it not be?), but it didn’t last long or mean much. It was just a way for Pentagon and Fenix to be celebrating a victory when they were interrupted by oVe on the video screen. The whole time Sami Callihan was talking, Dave Crist was mirroring him in this creepy way, while Jake looked on baffled, so oVe’s definitely getting weirder by the week. Sami challenged the Brothers and Brian Cage to a trios match at Bound for Glory, which we all knew was coming.
Eli Drake is Eloquent but Unhelpful
When Eli Drake gets into full Dummies-Yeah mode (in any language), it’s like heel promo poetry. Even as he’s refusing to help Fallah prepare for his unexpected title match, and even as we’re wondering why he’s spending all his time lately guest-starring in other people’s stories, listening to him talk is a delight.
LAX Defeated the Fraternity
The best part of this inconsequential match was Ortiz beating a blond frat boy about the face and head with a flip flop. That’s the kind of thing I tune into wrestling for. There were some post-match shenanigans with the OGz coming out and trying to taunt LAX into breaking the “ceasefire,” which I’d guess is something we’ll see plenty of in the next month.
Brian Cage Defeated Kongo Kong
Kongo Kong is good at what he does, but what he does is play the role of a monster who doesn’t move nearly as well as Brian Cage does. This was a fine match, but I’d rather see Cage fight a cruiserweight any day. After the match, Brian took a mic and accepted oVe’s challenge for Bound for Glory. That match is going to be a heck of a lot of fun.
Austin Aries Defeated Fallah Bah to Retain the Impact World Championship
There was never any doubt that Aries would win here, but I like seeing the belt defended in the main event of the weekly show. Also, Aries really sold Fallah’s strength and size. Fallah Bah is such a silly character that I expected him to come out of this random title shot looking weak, but he really didn’t. Inevitably, Aries and his two cronies beat up both Fallah and KM after the match. I briefly wondered if Scarlett Bordeaux might show up during the beatdown, since she literally caused all of this, but of course she didn’t. I’m beginning to suspect that the wrestling ring functions like a mystical circle of salt, and an infernal devil like Scarlett can’t go past it.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week when Impact will be coming to us from Mexico City!
