The Most Outrageous ‘Total Divas’ Moments Of The Week

Previously, on Total Divas: Brie and Nikki took a trip, Maryse tried to have Carmella and Big Cass have an elaborate sleepover, and Naomi and Lana both went into business for themselves.

The show took Thanksgiving off, but now we’re right back at it. I hope there are no misunderstandings this week!

Here we go, unpacking the most outlandish moments from season 7, episode 4 of Total Divas.

Milking It

Brie and Bryan discover that you can donate breast milk to mothers in need. Brie meets with a couple who have had twins and can’t produce enough breast milk, and that seals the deal. Brie has to collect 100 ounces of breast milk before the non-profit will come and pick it up, so she gets on an even more severe pumping schedule than she was already doing.

Our BELLA MOMENT OF THE WEEK comes when Brie and Nikki are getting their makeup done before Comic Con, and Nikki is commenting on the weirdness of Brie’s breast pump. She says it looks like “A cow’s uterus,” because she couldn’t think of the word for “udder.”

Brie ultimately does not produce 100 ounces, but she still did her best! Give what you can, people. Give what you can.

Chateau MarMiz Has Some Security Issues

We find out (I believe this is the first time this is mentioned) that Maryse’s mother lives with her and the Miz in Los Angeles. There are some security concerns at their home, because Chateau MarMiz has been broken into three times in five years. That seems bad! Maryse’s mother was even home the last time there was a break-in, so they try to figure out some options.

The first, and most sensible option, is to take Maryse’s 60-year-old mother to a shooting range. She can’t really … what’s the word … “hit the target” while “firing a gun,” and in fact gets so winded shooting a weapon that she has to go lay down in the back seat of Miz’s Jeep. So that’s one option down the tubes, even though Maryse’s mother insists a 30-year-old version of her could have easily fended off three male attackers. I believe her!

Well I Guess Maybe Just Sell The House

So! In response to Maryse and her mother feeling unsafe, Maryse does the most rational thing possible: puts Chateau MarMiz on the market without telling Miz about it. Forbes and other outlets sniff out the listing and start running news posts about their house being for sale, which leads to a pretty awkward exchange between the couple backstage at a WWE event.

Miz is pretty upset that she would do this, especially without consulting him first, and refuses to leave his house because of some burglars. But Maryse decides to leave the listing up with a ridiculous asking price. Later in the episode, their realtor calls, and there’s a full-price cash offer on the home. Miz is stunned. He thinks about it for a second, then just responds with “This is an incredible profit. F*ck this place. See ya bye! F*ck this place. I’ll see you in Vegas!”

I love these incredible goobers.

Lana Has Some Questions

In a bit of a throwback angle, Lana pesters Natalya incessantly. Lana learns that she will be in a Fatal 5-Way No. 1 contender match at the next pay-per-view, so she starts brainstorming a million ways to try and make everything look great in the match. But of course, she doesn’t have a LOT of experience, so she starts texting Natalya all through a redeye flight, and then all day as she travels to meet up with the other women before the Mae Young Classic tapings in Florida.

Natalya can’t deal with this, because Natalya has never been able to deal with Lana, ever, despite her repeated insistence that she’s the veteran locker room leader and that everyone can come to her for advice. Still; boundaries, people.

Also, I just really get a kick out of Lana texting to ask whether a spear will look better than a suplex. These are real, work-related questions!

Nia Jax Will Not Suffer The Fools

It is legitimately a travesty that there is no official WWE video of the screaming argument Nia and Lana get into at Carmella’s house, because it is [kisses fingers like Italian chef]. When Nattie delivers some [John Cena voice] passive aggression about how often Lana is texting her, Lana goes into exasperated “Well I’m sorry I want to do a good job” mode. Then Lana says everyone needs to take an acting class because only her and Alexa Bliss can cut decent promos.

Jax lays into Lana, saying that Lana is the only person who’s had months to cut promos in front of tens of thousands of people, and then they just start yelling at each other, saying cusses and everything. Lana calls Jax lazy and plays full martyr, saying it’s up to them to get better or they’re never going to surpass John Cena unless they’re dynamite both in the ring and on the mic. After Jax is done yelling, she resorts to enormous eye rolls.

Carmella points out that this whole thing is stupid. It’s such a good scene and I’m so sad it isn’t just uploaded to one of WWE’s YouTube accounts. They uploaded Nia, Alexa, and Natalya talking about the fight after the MYC, but whoooo caaaaaares.

That’s it for this week! See you next week, when maybe Nia just hauls off and slugs Lana.