Previously, on Total Divas: Maryse ate meat, so now Miz doesn’t get to. Nattie continued to be the worst, but suddenly realized she liked Lana based on cliff diving. Also, Miz and Maryse might get their own spinoff.
And now, the most ridiculous and sublime moments from season 7, episode 8 of Total Divas, which is part one of a two-part SummerSlam arc.
R-Truth’s Dating Advice Includes The Phrase ‘The Devil Goes To Church’
I have been remiss in addressing R-Truth’s other notable cameo this season, where he taught people how to iron a shirt, but there’s no way I wasn’t going to highlight this week’s cold open, where Truth lays the most solid dating advice in the history of mankind on Charly Caruso and Nia Jax. Wait, did I say “solid?” Because I meant “WTF.”
Please just watch the above video. Maybe just watch it a few times. R-Truth is a goddanged national treasure.
Lana Is F*cking With Carmella’s Livelihood … According To Nattie
Carmella, Lana, Naomi, and Nattie are getting makeupped backstage. Some cryptic comments are made about Carmella being booked on fewer Live Events, and Nattie doesn’t hesitate to say it’s because Lana told Mark Carrano to bump her and give her those spots. Lana is standing right next to Nattie when Nattie offers this, by the way.
Later, when Lana says maybe Nattie shouldn’t have just so freely thrown her under the bus for no reason, Nattie tells Lana to stop interrupting her, then suggests she needs some breast milk and a nap. Lana storms off, because Nattie IS THE DIRT WORST ALL THE TIME, even though they supposedly made up last week.
Later still, Carmella confronts Lana on the street and threatens her about what’ll happen if she f*cks with her paper. I hope this gets resolved next week!
Nia Jax Can’t Get Her Dating Life Or Her Milking Pantomimes Right
Poor, sweet Nia Jax is still having trouble getting her dating life on track, even after all that stellar advice from R-Truth. Crazy, I know. Maryse is going to an NYC firefighter benefit — as one does — and brings Nia along, because “sexy firefighter” is generally about as redundant as “mustachioed cop.” Nia follows up this good news by making like ninety jerk-off motions, and continues her reign of being god’s most perfect creation.
At said firefighter thing, Jax does indeed meet a sexy firefighter, and numbers are exchanged. Insert your own innuendo about a hose or a hook and ladder or Dalmatian or whatever here. This is way too classy a column to resort to that sort of thing. Above video excluded.
Love On The Rocks
This is the first week of the show that we actually get to see Alexa Bliss’ longtime significant other, Buddy Murphy. While Murphy is “the best-kept secret in NXT” to the extent that he hasn’t been on NXT television in a year, he is no longer the best-kept secret on Total Divas. Bliss and Murphy are having some relationship strain from Bliss being on the road all the time, and Murphy possibly being on the bubble as a WWE employee.
They begin debating what to do if Murphy were to get released, and whether that should force their hand to do a quickie marriage so Murphy could get a green card and not have to leave the country. While at breakfast with Jax, they contemplate whether they would even want to get married at that point, and Jax suggests maybe they don’t really WANT to get married. Bliss is pretty unhappy about Jax being inconsiderate and bails on her when they’re supposed to go on an outing.
They finally make up, so it’s okay! But maybe we should monitor this Bliss/Murphy situation? Ah, it’s fine; Total Divas will monitor it for me.
Rusev Can’t Handle Any Of This
Early on in this episode, Rusev wonders why the women kiss each other so much, and seems like he’s put off by it. But then Lana brags about hooking up with women in the past, which is news to Rusev. He later tells Lana he can’t stop thinking about it, and wants to know more details. Lana is just like, “Ah, typical boys” and brushes it off.
When the whole crew goes to a gay bar for a Sex and the City party, Lana is groping up on all the boobs and kissing all the Superstars, until Rusev finally tries to lowkey call her bluff by “gifting” her a lesbian. This is all just preamble to us finally getting to the part where a drag queen hits on Rusev, but the destination was absolutely worth the journey.
For another take on this little storyline, I turned to With Spandex’s own Elle Collins:
I’d love to see more queer representation on Total Divas (and in WWE in general), but let me be the first to say that this isn’t it. If Lana’s bisexual (or pan, queer, whatever label) then that’s fine, and being married to Rusev doesn’t invalidate that, but she never actually says or even implies that she is. She just comes off like a straight-identified woman who’s trying to seem cool and sexy by saying and doing stuff that will get her husband’s (and male viewers’) attention.
I’m not saying she’s definitely never “hooked up with” a woman, but the fact that she has nothing to say when her husband asks her for details seems telling. So it’s no surprise when Rusev introduces her to an actual lesbian who’d be happy to make out with her, and Lana’s like “Oh no, this isn’t what I meant.” This is the latest chapter of Lana being an embarrassing person to know and watch, and mostly I just came out of it feeling bad for the blurry-faced lesbian, who clearly had no idea what she was stepping into and tellingly vanishes between shots.
That will do it for this week! Join us next week, when Natalya [checks notes] becomes Smackdown Women’s Champion? OH NOOOOO.