Previously on Total Divas: I got tricked into thinking it was the mid-season finale and that we wouldn’t have any more episodes for a while. Whoops! This show runs all the way through Jan. 31 without a break! Apparently.
Oh, and also previously, Nattie became the worst person in the history of mankind by tossing Lana’s stuff off a cliff for no good reason, and the “TO BE CONTINUED” cliffhanger ended with Lana cussing and banging on Nattie’s door in Mexico.
So let’s buckle up for the most ridiculous, wonderful moments from season 7, episode 7 of Total Divas.
Lana Apologizes When She Doesn’t Have To And Nattie Treats Her Like Sh*t For It
So this week’s resolution of last week’s cliffhanger has Nattie denying she took Lana’s phone, and then Lana sleeping it off. In the morning, Alexa Bliss visits Lana and talks her through it, while Nattie and Nikki go to the beach and retrieve Lana’s things. As expected, it wasn’t so much a cliff that Nattie tossed the things off of. More of a gentle dune. They retrieve Lana’s luggage and take selfies with her phone, and Nattie gives them back to Lana.
At communal breakfast, Lana apologizes to Nattie and tries to explain why she is the way she is, but Nattie cuts her off and says this isn’t the time or place, because if she wants to apologize, she should do it in private. This is absolute horsesh*t for a whole lot of reasons, but let’s just recap Nattie’s timeline, actions, and reasoning here.
- Had an hours-long public fight with Lana, in front of all of their friends, ruining everyone’s good time repeatedly, regardless of the impetus or who “started” it
- Talked repeatedly about how she would beat up Lana for real if Lana stepped to her
- Stole Lana’s things and threw them off the side of a hill
- Denied stealing those things or doing anything with them
- When Lana stepped to her — FOR STEALING HER THINGS — Nattie ran and locked herself in her room, despite her repeated boasting that she would legitimately kick Lana’s ass
- Still denied taking Lana’s things
- Returned Lana’s things without apologizing for doing it
- When LANA chose to apologize to HER and ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS for actions that affected EVERYONE, Nattie declined her apology and said it didn’t have to do with anyone else, and suggested that Lana’s apology had the potential to ruin everyone’s day.
What an absolute disgrace.
Haha Just Kidding; Lana And Nattie Are Best Friends Now Because Of Cliff Diving
Later, the women rent a booze cruise boat, and Nattie remains standoffish and refuses to party with Lana in any way. When they see some locals cliff diving off a massive rock structure in the middle of the water, Lana jumps off the boat and swims over. Nattie continues to sh*t-talk Lana behind her back to everyone else, until they all notice Lana is climbing to the top of said structure.
Lana finally makes it to the top of the outcropping or whatever that would be called, and takes a terrifying leap off, because Lana gives approximately zero f*cks. When she gets back to the boat, Nattie gushes to her that when Lana was on top of the rocks, Nattie was genuinely afraid she was going to get hurt, and that sensation of human emotion proved to her that she really DOES care about Lana. They hug and then begin partying together.
In just two words, my feelings about Natalya:
“This Is What Mexico Is All About”
After being in Mexico for several days, the other women have a special surprise for Nikki for her actual engagement party: a fiesta. Complete with fire twirlers, mariachi band, and traditional dancers. It’s cool, for sure, but it’s always very weird that this show feels you need to cap off a multiple-day party binge with an actual, literal party. This weekend STARTED with a penis party, moved to a party at a club, then a party on a boat. Are they worried we won’t understand what an engagement party weekend is until we see someone hitting a piñata or something?
Keep It Spicy
In the world’s absolute most misguided bit of advice-seeking ever, Naomi takes advice from NATTIE on how she and Jon can spice up their sex life. From NATTIE. Not from Nikki, who is having sex with John Cena every instant the cameras aren’t rolling. From NATALYA. Nattie, of course, remembers one of two (2) times she was sexually adventurous over the past seven years (on the show, guys; on the show) and brings up her super weird home invasion roleplay she did with TJ back in season whatever.
Naomi and Jon take the “roleplay” idea literally and go to a costume shop to see if anything there inspires them to get in the mood. If you know what she means.
Despite Jon’s attempts to get them to do the nasty while he’s dressed like Prince with a horse head on, nothing moves them at the costume shop. So they decide to roleplay by having Jon pick her up at a bar while they pretend to be strangers. Jon is, of course, hilarious throughout, as he orders Naomi TWO glasses of wine (because he “heard it gets you in the mood faster”) and orders gross oysters he can barely choke down.
Naomi gets mad at him for not taking the assignment seriously, and Jon admits it’s scary as hell to try to pick up on someone, and he’s never been good at it. They agree they don’t need weird stuff to get them in the mood, because they love each other. And they leave to go do it. If you know what I mean.
The Vegetarianism Discussion In The Year Of Our Lord 2017
Finally, Maryse and Miz spend the episode griping at each other about eating meat. Miz loves animals, but he loves eating them! Maryse takes him to an organic farm to show him how delicious vegetables can be! They bicker over it, and it’s just so weird that this can still be a thing on television and in real life in the year 2017. Especially since this show has done the same thing with Brie and Nikki before.
Luckily, there’s sort of a twist: Miz tells Maryse he will be vegetarian for one week if she will eat one tiny piece of red meat. For said red meat, he takes her to Lawry’s, of all places, where they wheel out the prime rib carving station, much to Maryse’s disgust.
After much bickering, Maryse finally eats a piece of prime rib, which stuns Miz.
He’s speechless, because he never expected her to actually follow through on it, but then enjoys two primes rib to prepare himself for a week of vegetarianism. Later, he’s waiting for her at home having cut up yellow watermelon(?) for the two of them, but she brings him an enormous cheeseburger because she says she felt bad for him. He loves it, and she stuns him AGAIN when she asks for a bite and enjoys it as well.
Then she drops the bomb: it wasn’t a real hamburger! It was the Umami Impossible Burger, which is vegetarian. Miz says if there’s vegetarian food that tastes this good, he’s all in. She then takes her own burger up to her room, because she won. Way to go, Maryse.
And yeah, there’s also a lot of stuff with Brie being sad at potentially leaving Birdie behind as she embarks on her WWE comeback, and playing soccer with children and marveling at being out of shape, and BirdieBee being at their first sales expo, but none of that holds a candle to all of the above. Welcome back(?) Total Divas. Looks like I don’t have to have a blue Christmas without you, after all.