I keep asking myself that same question
Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Thunder: Diamond Dallas Page defeated Sick Boy using the Lucy Van Pelt method, rock ‘n’ roll incest legend Jerry Lee Lewis joined Raven’s Flock, and a graphics malfunction confused Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Seriously, if you didn’t read last week’s show report, go do that, it’s insane.
If you’d like to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network, click here. In the coming weeks you’ll be able to read all the Thunder recaps on its UPROXX tag page, and of course if you’re reading these, you’re hopefully reading the corresponding Nitro bits as well.
Note: This is still a relatively new vintage column in the rotation, so if you like it, please make sure to comment below and share the column on all (or at least some) of your social media. It helps, especially now that I’m the only one writing them!
And now, the Best and Worst of WCW Thunder for February 5, 1998.
Best: The Veiny Hubris Of Jim Powers
This GIF is so hilarious to me. I know William Scott Goldberg’s not really “Goldberg” in so many words yet, but watching Jim Powers think he drained 100% of his opponent’s HP with one (1) bad knee lift and turning around to celebrate it like he just nailed a desperation superkick at minute 62 is great. Goldberg puts that dude in the ground. Goldberg spears always look better when the guy sells it by having his legs trapped and just snapping his entire torso back flat, instead of that “jumping backwards” thing people usually do. Both sells are fine, but the snap back gives the move weight, and gives gravity to the sell, figuratively and literally.
And yes, I still can’t stop noticing the vascularity of Jim Powers’ armpits. He’s got so many muscles he’s got a dedicated armpit day at the gym. Just standing in the squat rack blasting his pits with a Thighmaster for an entire Wednesday. Oh, and I still think naming a wrestler “Jim Powers” is like naming a doctor “Hospital Medicine.”
Best/Worst: All Lucha All Day
Nothing to ease us back into the rhythm of the Best and Worst of Thunder like La Parka showing up just to get squashed by Hugh Morrus, The Laughing Man. The fans are super hot for it because it’s the beginning of a 1998 WCW show and they haven’t gotten to the Virgil run-ins three hours deep, but man, even as a kid I couldn’t imagine someone saying, “I hate this funny dancing luchador skeleton who kills people with chairs, I wanna cheer for this weird carnie guy with the pun name from the Dungeon of Doom.”
The match is saved a bit by the post-match attack, which reprises La Parka’s Souled Out bit of losing, then coping with the loss by braining everyone in sight and Karate Kid crane kick dancing on a steel chair. Honestly La Parka could lose to an errant plastic blag floating in the wind and I’d be fine with it as long as he beat the shit out of the bag with a chair afterward. Maybe that’s why they never pushed La Parka.
That sends us directly into Juventud Guerrera vs. Billy Kidman, which (1) is great and (2) would be the best match on most shows, but is only the second or third (or maybe fourth) best match on this episode. Thunder doesn’t have much going for it in the grand scheme of the story, but it’s two hours for the undercard, and WCW’s undercard is very, very good at this. It’s so good, in fact, that it’s our 1-800- COLLECT “People Who Know But Don’t Have Any Spare Change On Them In The ’90s Use 1-800-COLLECT®” Of The Week.
I think part of what made Juvy and Kidman such important parts of the cruiserweight division is that they felt … almost reckless in the ring, in a (mostly) good way. You had these guys like Dean Malenko and Rey Mysterio Jr. who are only going to mess up if something goes drastically wrong, mixed in with folks like Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, who are among the best in-ring generals in the sport’s history. Then you had the lower tier luchadors like the Villanos or whatever, who have the lucha aesthetic but aren’t doing much beyond the safest dropkicks and armdrags you’ve ever seen. Then somewhere in the middle are Juvy and Kidman … these bonkers light heavyweights with lucha movesets who know they’ve got to borderline kill themselves every time they go out to get noticed, and boy they are getting noticed. Way over to the left you have Psicosis, who’s just hurting himself to see how much he can do it, and Super Calo, who wants to be a normal guy but can’t stop hurting himself.
Yes, that’s my Super Calo segue. Whooshhhhh
Speaking of the devil’s favorite hospital patient, he’s part of an ALSO pretty great trios match, teaming up with Lizmark Jr. and Chavo Guerrero Jr. to take on Villano IV, Villano V, and Villano Silver King. Study question: what’s happening in that photo?
This one actually ends with some story progression, as Psicosis — still upset that Chavo pinned him at Souled Out — shows up and guillotine leg drops Chavo, pulling Silver King on top of him for the pin. Dastardly rudos. Your Super Calo highlight of the night is what I’m guessing is his normal clothesline sell now: backflipping onto his own neck for literally no reason. We’ve tried to talk to people who know him and set up an interview with Super Calo and everyone’s like, “I don’t know what he’s up to these days, I lost contact with him,” and my theory is that he’s dead and has just been Weekend at Bernie’s-ing it since like 1999.
Best: Muscles Are More Important Than Brotherhood
The insanely long Scott Steiner heel turn continues this week as he and Rick take on Buff Bagwell and Konnan. There was just a “STEINERS VS. NWO B-TEAM” written on the WCW creative white board in permanent marker, wasn’t there? Join us next week for the Steiners vs. Vincent and Horace Hogan, and again at the pay-per-view for the Steiners vs. Kyle Petty and the Dinner and a Movie guys in a handicap match.
Anyway, if you’ve been following along you know that Scott Steiner got a bunch of muscles and didn’t realize how cool that made him look until he saw fellow muscle-enthusiast Buff Bagwell of the New World Order flexing all the time. So now Scott’s torn between wanting to show off his muscles all the time and using them to singlehandedly win tag team matches, and both of those things piss Rick off.
This week Rick starts, and keeps Scotty out until the hot tag, which is actually the best possible gameplan for the 1998 Steiner Brothers. Just let Rick rope-a-dope the other team for a few minutes until they get tired, and then send in this jacked-the-crap-up math wizard whose natural resting state is “drank six Four Loko and is pissed about everything” to suplex jokers to death and win. This one actually ends with Scott deciding to be a team player and set up for the Steiner Bulldog double-team, but doesn’t see Scott Hall shove Rick off the top. Rick goes flying into Scott, which of course causes roid rage Scott Steiner to assume the worst and storm out.
Once again, Scotty speaks a basic human truth: push-ups are more important than your family.
Best: Stagger Away
Before I forget, one of the highlights of that Steiners/nWo Extras match is the pre-match announcer swap, in which Dusty Rhodes shows up and staggers Lee Marshall from the broadcast position. Lee is such an underappreciated on-screen character, because he combines Tony Schiavone’s “happy to be here company man” attitude with a weirdly old school voice and point of view, like you’re listening to one of those tape recorders from Bioshock talk about wrestling.
My only complaint here is that Bobby Heenan didn’t laugh in his face and get a “DIAL 1-800-KISS MY ASS YOU FUCKING WEASEL” on the way out. Even in this episode Lee won’t stop making jokes about how Heenan steals hotel towels. “Bobby Heenan vs. Lee Marshall Bunkhouse Brawl” is the best match from the Road Wild I booked in my head 20 years ago.
Best: Party Marty
An unexpected dark horse contender for match of the night goes to Raven and Marty Jannetty, doing the best combination of a PG ECW hardcore match and a 1992 WWF Light Heavyweight Division match you’ve ever seen. This could easily be Scotty Flamingo vs. Marty in another life.
Like the match with Disco, Raven succeeds in living and breathing his character, and that informs everything the crowd needs to know about the match. There’s some violence, because every Raven match is under “Raven’s rules,” which gets rid of all the unnecessary ref bumps and distractions you’d have to book around otherwise. But there’s also a sense of urgency from Raven’s opponents, especially when it’s guys like Jannetty or Disco, because they’re not normally IN matches like this, and it feels fresh and new to see them getting thrown into chairs or whatever.
They keep up a brisk pace too, which is nice, and the finish is great. Marty goes for a Rocker Dropper, ends up having it turned into that 1-2-3 Kid backflip feint and gets spiked on his dome with an Evenflow DDT. Like this:
That’s smooth as hell. I liked him when I was younger, but Raven ruled, no pun intended, and it’s fun to go back and watch this era of matches and know what a workhorse he was. He doesn’t need to be having competitive matches with Scotty Riggs and Disco Inferno and Marty Jannetty but he IS, and it’s making everyone look better.
Worst: WCW’s Best Referee
Speaking of the Flock and competitive matches with the Disco Inferno, Disco and Perry Saturn get in some good work to keep Saturn looking strong and to keep Disco looking like he’s finally got his head in the game and is ready to be a real wrestler. That doesn’t last forever, but he’s doing some very, very good stuff in this time period. Everything between the embarrassing Jacqueline stuff up until the formation of the Boogie Knights is pretty good. And even the Boogie Knights sets me up for infinity more Alex Wright dick jokes.
The focal point of the match though is the finish, and I’m giving it a Worst for the wrestlers not letting the referee know what the hell they were trying to do before the match. Basically Disco’s got Saturn dead to rights, and the only reason Saturn wins is because of Kidman. They do a big spot and Disco’s out on the ground on his stomach, with Saturn staggering around nearly unconscious by the ropes. Kidman pushes Saturn down onto Disco (pictured), and the referee decides to start counting three thinking that’s the finish.
Seriously, look at this:
He counts one and you can hear Saturn yelling at him to stop, even though he’s supposed to be knocked out. The idea is that Saturn’s supposed to fall into position, come to and lock in the Rings of Saturn, but yeah, we get the Cameron memorial pinfall attempt instead. COUNT IT, REF!
Worst Best: Track Suit Mongo
Not an unexpected dark horse contender for match of the night goes to Jim Neidhart vs. Scott Hall, which is built around terrible living sunburn Jim Neidhart single-handedly beating up Hall and Louie Spicolli with his Bugle thumb of doom until the inevitable nWo DQ. Davey Boy Smith runs out to even the odds, and Mongo McMichael follows him out in a full track suit to continue their feud. I thought Mongo’s entire personal wardrobe was Four Horsemen T-shirts, that one Chicago Bears jacket and a bunch of Garth Brooks button-ups to match his dog.
You’ve gotta love that they’ve got a full-on nWo vs. the Hart Foundation vs. the Four Horsemen feud going without Bret Hart, most of the important nWo guys or any of the Horsemen people liked.
Why Is Diamond Dallas Page The Tobias Funke Of WCW
Every single thing he says sounds sexual, whether he’s talking about how “jacked up” he is to make you “feel the bang,” or if he’s talking about how he can’t wait to “get it on” with that “young stud” Chris Benoit. Even if it means he has to take a chubby. he will suck it up!
Best: The Main Event
This week’s main event, set up last week, is Diamond Dallas Page defending the United States Championship against Chris Benoit. To get this out of the way early, yes, it ends with a massive run-in, but at least it’s the Flock and not the nWo again.
While it’s not the best match you’ll ever see (and probably not even the best match on the show, although it was getting pretty good), it was the first time that someone important in WCW said “Chris Benoit is a really good wrestler who deserves opportunities to challenge for championships and have good matches” on television and actually followed through with it. Page sticking his neck out for Benoit here made him look like a fighting champion who actually paid attention to the public’s opinions, and made Benoit look like the kind of guy who isn’t quite there yet, but is naturally skilled enough to hang with the company’s champions. This more or less established Benoit’s entire vibe from 1998 until WrestleMania 20 in 2004.
So yeah, a bunch of lucha libre matches of varying quality, Raven kicking ass, a Benoit main event, the muscle pals AND Lee Marshall getting emasculated. Not a bad episode.
Next Week:
Glacier is back for another shot at Billy Scott Goldberg, Chris Benoit and Raven go head-to-head, and Ric Flair returns from the “we don’t really know what to do with you” ether to challenge Lex Luger.
Important study question for the comments section below: With our current site setup, do you still prefer there being two WCW columns a week, or is that too much? Should I keep Thunder separate, or just recap it at the beginning of Nitro reports like I do with uneventful pay-per-views? Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading.
