Previously on the Best and Worst of Friday Night Smackdown: D-Generation X looked like a bunch of Baby Boomers driving their kids to work. NXT then “won” Survivor Series, which got them … hang on, I’m trying to find out what you win at Survivor Series. I think it’s nothing?
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Here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Friday Night Smackdown for November 29, 2019.
Worst: Dummy? More!
Roman Reigns turns back the clock to his old Vince McMahon-friendly exposition promos and goofy jokes persona to open this week’s Smackdown. Instead of being a regular human being like he’s been since his return earlier this year, he’s out there talking about Thanksgiving leftovers, reminding everyone what happened Moments Ago at Survivor Series, and calling Baron Corbin a “dummy.” Not once, no. Not twice, but six times in a row. This is actual dialogue written by the prime-time network television show, and somehow not just me making fun of it:
“We had one dummy on the team. And you guys already know who it is. And I’m not gonna thank a dummy, naw. If anything, that dummy should be thanking me! So I say, we bring the dummy out here, what do you think? Let’s make the dummy apologize!”
Good lord. WWE employs a brilliant staff of creative minds and this is the content that makes TV. It’s the full John Cena, you know? Cena would do something good-to-great on a pay-per-view and then show up on Raw like, to quote Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling, “poopie caca fart fart check out our boogers.”
Corbin shows up, shows ass more than he should, and sets up a match between Reigns and [checks notes] Robert Roode? All right. If you’re a professional fighter and someone calls you a dummy six times in seven sentence fragments you shouldn’t show up dressed like the King in the North and whimper about it, you should take your 6-foot-8 ass down to the ring and punch him in his face … but I guess that’s the difference in strength and weakness in the WWE Universe. I really wish they’d allow their characters a deeper motivation than either, “wants to fight and make the fans happy,” or, “doesn’t want to fight, makes fans unhappy.”
Reigns wins, of course. You can tell how important the match is to everybody because it’s over 40 seconds into the three-plus minute YouTube video. Having not triumphed enough, I guess, Reigns fights off a 2-on-1 attack, stands tall, and then literally buries Roode under the Smackdown announce table. Having not triumphed enough, Reigns watches Roode get taken away on a stretcher and decides to flip it over. The full John Cena.
Note: The way you know you’re a hero to the WWE Universe is when you can’t win or lose, fair or not, without being a bad sport about it. Sound like anybody you know?
Worst: Get Off My Lawn!
In women’s division news, a conservative mom finally found a way to keep those rambunctious teenagers out of her mall. Was anyone out there dying for more Lacey Evans women’s championship matches?
Worst: Drew Gulak Needs To Ask For His Release On Twitter So At Least Some Of This Would Make Sense
Remember that like, entire year when Drew Gulak reinvented himself from the bottom up, became a dominant Cruiserweight Champion, stole the show any time he made it to a pay-per-view pre-show, and made 205 Live appointment viewing? Well, the star-making turn of getting his ass kicked by Braun Strowman as a joke for several weeks has paid off in this two-minute, 55-second loss to Mustafa Ali. You’d think if they put Ali and Gulak in the ring together on a post-holiday Smackdown that desperately needs watchable content they’d ask them to have an actual wrestling match, but I guess you’d think a lot of things.
Worst: Blissed It By *That* Much
Alexa Bliss is back in time for her big in-ring return at WWE Stop Trying To Claim Your Dad’s Ideas, Cody pay-per-view, and to save Nikki Cross from devastating post-match strikes like this:
Even performative anger about this episode seems like too much effort. UPS couldn’t have mailed this shit in any harder than the Smackdown roster.
Best: Elias Is Back!
There. There’s a positive thing! And sure, he’s just back to stand between a guy who got so bored with the division he propagated that he gave his spot to the Bollywood Boyz and America’s whitest dancer. Hit those ones and threes, Dana!
As a quick side note, Dana Brooke asking Drake Maverick, “aren’t you married?” and his response of, “it’s complicated,” brings up an important question: if Maverick’s no longer on the show with the 24/7 Championship and therefore presumably not in active competition for it on a weekly basis, is he just never gonna have sex with his wife? Are they in a Tyrion and Sansa situation? Who should be the Littlefinger character that spirits her away and marries her off a second time for political gain? Who’s WWE’s version of Littlefinger, Bruce Prichard? Who’s Ramsay in this scenario? Conrad Thompson? Roderick Strong’s last name makes him sound like an A Song of Ice and Fire bastard, like he was born in a gym somewhere. I don’t know. They aren’t giving me a lot to talk about this week.
Best: Sheamus Is (Also) Back!
And he looks like Sheamus Classic again! Death to the mohawk and the decorative beard beads! Sheamus vs. Lio Rush on NXT for the Cruiserweight Championship, please and thank you.
Knowing how WWE works and how they love going back to the well with an idea that’d already run its course, what’re the chances that they tease Sheamus’ return on the same episode that Cesaro loses an embarrassing tag team match? Are we Barring again?
The finish to this match is so flat AJ Styles uses it to teach geography. New Day hits Nakamura with an assisted double stomp, but Cesaro breaks it up. The referee gets distracted, Dynamite-stye, as Sami Zayn sneaks in and tries to brain Kofi with a pancake platter. He gets caught, gets tossed, and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise on Cesaro for the win. All right. At least nobody pinned the guy with the impossible to photograph championship.
OH BOY, SPEAKING OF CHAMPIONSHIPS!
Worst: Dear Wyatt People
The Fiend has turned the Blue-niversal Championship into his mask. That’s the whole thing! And it can be yours for only six and a half fucking thousand dollars on WWE Shop! Two notes:
- if you buy that, you are no longer allowed to watch wrestling, live or on television, you’re disqualified
- This is what the WWE Championship scene has become. A corny cash grab to get marks to pay almost seven grand for a Bray Wyatt mask you wear around your gut instead of your face. This is the top of the company. A battle for an invulnerable cartoon character’s collectable, which you can only win by paying him money.
Trust me, I’m the dumb asshole who dropped 400 dollars on a WWE Championship made out of wood and stones and burlap because I liked the wrestler who held it. Now imagine the silliness of an adult paying 400 dollars for a replica TV show prop plus 6,200 dollars. WWE’s out here like, “did you once pay 45 dollars for a Money in the Bank replica briefcase, Brandon? I saw that Hand of the King bottle opener in your silverware drawer. Would you be interested in dropping six months of rent to own a Halloween cummerbund? You seem like the type. Nobody will ever love you, just do it, it’s fine.”
If the message isn’t clear enough, here’s Wyatt taunting Daniel Bryan about a rematch using conspiracy theory imagery you think is a joke that might actually be serious! His brother certainly seems to bo-lieve it! The just added “muscle men” to what he actually thinks, right?
“Don’t let the reptilian overlords who represent unbridled and unchecked capitalism prevent you from paying seven grand for my pro wrestling championship belt replica” is certainly a new angle to take, I guess. The best I can say is that at least they’ve finally positioned the guy who wants us to stop burning through the world’s resources and killing our species as the babyface. What a weird world we live in where the top program in the top wrestling promotion in the world is, “who will win, the shadow clown who believes a race of giants lives in the Earth’s core, or the environmentalist everyone boos because he doesn’t want them to eat hot dogs?”
Anyway, this all ends with Daniel Bryan being pulled into Literal Christian Hell, which exists under the wrestling ring.
honestly what are we doing with our lives
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
troi
Miz using that reverse psychology to get Daniel Bryan clown murdered
Harry Longabaugh
Roderick Strong is wondering if Cesaro is also covering for an injured Bobby Fish.
AddMayne
Fiend Life
This is Basic Lizardnomics
The Real Birdman
Oh good, my mescaline is kicking in
Dave M J
Brandi: OH COME ON!
CFCarboni
I wanna see Cesaro swing Big E, make him Dizz E.
JayBone2
Nice to see Bayley and her daughter are still hanging out after Black Friday shopping today.
Baron Von Raschke
You know…If they ever gave Corbin a decent storyline, he could really sink his teeth into it and actually get something rolling. I really admire that he gives each of these stupid promos and angles everything he has.
Human Error
Just for the record guys, I know you wouldn’t know it, but there’s actually tag teams on the roster.
I’d imagine they have a lot more to offer the championship picture than two singles guys randomly thrown together would
LUNI_TUNZ
Baron, it’s not a fake smile, it’s a pre-determined smile.
same
That’s it for Thanksgiving, and Friday Night Smackdown. Good times for all!
Drop a comment down below to let us know what you had for dinner on Thursday, or your opinions on pilgrims or whatever. If you want to talk about Smackdown, that’s on you. Give us a share on social media as well, and make sure you’re here next week for more conspiracy theories and dialogue approved by 74-year old men with a child’s sense of humor. See you then!
