Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: D-Generation X said all the bad words all at once, Barry Windham cut a promo on an empty chair like was Clint Eastwood, and we spent an hour dealing with how the New Age Outlaws killed Chainsaw Charlie and Cactus Jack by pushing them in a dumpster. And then they were fine!
If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.
Hey, you! If you want us to keep doing retro reports (especially now that the staff is … me), share them around! And be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of these shows. We’re on the road to No Way Out Of Texas, which you know is true if you’ve ever tried to drive across it.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for February 9, 1998.
Best: Happy Birthday, Mr. President Not The President
same, Freddie
As you may recall from last week’s episode, the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky sex scandal is the hot new story and pro wrestling has to spend the next 5-10 years wink winking and nudge nudging us about it. Last week we had Shawn Michaels talking about how they play “swallow the leader” in the “Oral Office” — and Jerry Lawler saying if Monica “looked like Sable” Bill could get reelected as President for life — and this week’s bid opens with Sunny dressed as Marilyn Monroe, singing the Rumored Presidential Mistress National Anthem.
A quick aside about Sunny: No Way Out Of Texas is when they begin the build to Sable and Marc Mero vs. Goldust and Luna Vachon at WrestleMania, which is the match that officially makes WWE say, “Sable’s the next big thing.” That means this is arguably the final, absolute peak of Sunny in WWE, and the last time she was their first choice for Sexy Lady Things. She shows up later in the episode to be the ring announcer for a garbage Legion of Doom vs. the National Wrestling Alliance match with enough piped-in crowd noise to make it sound like Hogan/Rock, and it’s like the first time the Fellowship meets Galadriel. So as we approach the end of an era, let’s preemptively leave the memories alone. Was it good to be early 1998 Sunny? Yes, yes it was.
An even quicker note about Freddie Blassie: This was for Blassie’s 80th birthday, and the clip they use of him with his hands over his head is from a Dick Van Dyke Show episode I’d have written about in The Wrestling Episode already if it wasn’t a joke at the end of an episode about dancing. That’s not gonna stop me from making GIFs out of that time Fred Blassie set up Dick Van Dyke for an Attitude Adjustment, or Mary Tyler Moore giving him an RKO from outta nowhere.
Worst: The Dumbest Image In History If You Like The NWA
Let’s say you’re a current fan of New Japan Pro Wrestling. What’s the dumbest, least appropriate for your fandom “result” could you type about it? Something like, “Okada forgets how to wrestle and loses the IWGP Heavyweight Championship to Bone Soldier in like 30 seconds?” “Toru Yano hit a spectacular dive from the top to the floor and pinned Lance Archer with a Steiner Screwdriver?”
I’m trying to add modern context to “Jim Cornette helps the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express kick the Road Warriors’ asses,” which is the least believable and most absurd bullshit they’ve ever tried to pull.
Brother, I don’t care if Hawk and Animal are asleep and tied to the fucking floor like they’re in Gulliver’s Travels, two non-threatening local 40-year olds with bandanas around their legs shouldn’t be able to team up with a red-faced crybaby tennis enthusiast to destroy and injure them. What’s the current WWE version of this? Imagine if like, you tuned into Raw and Michael Cole was teaming up with Shane McMahon’s kids to break Brock Lesnar’s legs with a tire iron.
Best: Wither Sable?
Anyway, as for Sable, she gets sent to the back by Marc Mero during an Artist Formerly Known As Goldust vs. Headbanger Thrasher match for getting too positive a crowd reaction, as he has no idea how to handle those and has never gotten one. She storms back out a few minutes later, indignant, and slaps Goldie in the face, allowing Trasher (of all people) to roll him up for a surprise three. Luna tries to get in her face about it, so she slaps the shit out of her, too.
I’ve never been a big Sable fan, but she’s on during this build and the blowoff match, and it kinda sorta makes her entire career. The mixed tag match at WrestleMania is one of the forgotten gems of that show, and man, there was this crystalline moment when Sable had an Austin-esque control of the crowd and enough happening around her to make you think she might also rule in the ring. That’s not really the case outside of that … uh, one match, but hey, Action Miss Elizabeth is good work if you can get it.
Best, Then The Worst Thing You’ve Ever Seen: Steve Blackman Has Glow Sticks!
This week, the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman experiences an INSANE amount of character growth when they decide to turn on the blacklight and give him a pair of glow sticks before his match. You can tell he’s good at karate because he’s the guy in the background of a Dawson’s Creek episode about how you shouldn’t do ecstasy.
Don’t get me wrong, Steve Blackman exhibiting martial arts with a pair of inanimate carbon rods is great, but it sets up Blackman vs. the Truth Commission’s Bull “Recon” Buchanan, and that includes one of the most random things you probably don’t remember from 1998 Raws: The Jackyl cutting 4-minute mid-match promos from a platform lowered from the ceiling.
Yep, dude Stings it to the ring to cut a promo while the match is happening, effectively removing the audience’s ability to pay attention to either thing. This guy’s just talking and talking, and Blackman and Recon are trying to do something watchable with the whole “wrestling” thing, and the camera kinda jumps back and forth between them in increasing, uncomfortable silence.
After Recon loses, they do a bad Raven’s Flock thing where Jackyl slaps him in the face, then turns his back and trusts that the brother’s too brainwashed by the [checks notes] South African armed forces and/or a Canadian Hindu militia cult leader? Man, I don’t even know anymore.
Worst For Morale: Say A Long, Slow, Lethargic Goodbye To Ahmed Johnson
In other Gang Warz news, Faarooq steals a cheap victory over Ken Shamrock due to outside interference*, triggering an Everybody Fights Season Finale featuring the Nation of Domination, the Disciples of Apocalypse, and, making his final Monday Night Raw appearance, Ahmed Johnson. The 10-man tag at No Way Out Of Texas that results from this is Ahmed’s last match in the company, and his last match period until those six months he spends in WCW feuding with members of Harlem Heat over who gets to use the letter T when spelling their name. That was … that was the actual feud. I should wait until we get to 2000s WCW to talk more about that, and also until well after I’ve sought psychiatric care in real life.
*Oh, that interference. Heh, well …
*Worst: Do Not Let The Rock Hit You With A Steel Chair
EVER.
A lot has been made of the Rock going full-on attempted murder with his 11 chair shots to the face to Mick Foley at the 1999 Royal Rumble, but we should also talk about how he spent most of 1998 trying to make Ken Shamrock shit out his own brains. Christ, look at that. That’s not even the FAMOUS Rock chairshot to Shamrock. Dude may as well have done the Super Calo slingshot headbutt to the floor to no opponent every week, he would’ve gotten out of his career with more operable brain cells.
Worst: Don’t Worry, Here’s A Breathless Update On The Godwinns Vs. Quebecers Feud
The dream of the weekend show undercard is alive in the War Zone as the red hot Shotgun Saturday Night beef between Hillbilly Jim’s racist relatives and the Ordinary French-Canadians continues.
This week, Pierre Oullet appears to have a match against Henry Godwinn in the bag, but the referee gets distracted by choice (apparently) and CPO gets bashed in the head with a slop bucket. The worst part is that he’s clearly too far in the ring for Phineas to reach him without getting in there, too, so he ends up covering HOG with his hog to make up the distance. Seriously, look at this lateral press, he looks like a dog trying to piss on a fire hydrant.
Who will win the war? Join us next week for the blowoff at No Way Out of Texas, featuring an 11-minute tag match you wouldn’t be able to remember five seconds after it ended if someone had a gun to your head.
Worst: Nobody’s Paying Attention To The Light Heavyweights
See if you can follow this story.
A couple of weeks ago, Brian Christopher and El Pantera had a number one contender match for Taka Michinoku’s Light Heavyweight Championship. Pantera won, surprisingly, so Christopher and Jerry Lawler jumped him and beat him down. That set up a tag team match for Shotgun Saturday Night, which Christopher won when Pantera wasn’t paying attention and accidentally moonsaulted Taka. BUT WAIT, after the face miscommunication Pantera just straight up decides to turn on Taka anyway, teaming up with … uh, Brian Christopher? Nobody’s paying attention. The little guys are gonna wrestle for the thing, it’s fine.
Best: Oh, And Kane Loves Literal Illustrations
I don’t have much to say about it because nothing really happens, but I want to show love to the Devil’s Favorite Demon for trying to scare Vader by buying a Big Van Vader alarm clock on the 1998 equivalent of Etsy and rigging it so it catches on fire to emphasize his point. You see, because Vader always says it’s “Vader time,” and Kane has fire! Do you get it? Do you get the joke? Do you get the joke about the time
Best: Austin Vs. Michaels And The D-X Convergence Continues
This week’s main story is about how Stone Cold Steve Austin has stolen Shawn Michaels’ WWF Heavyweight Championship and replaced it in Michaels’ bags with a foam toy belt. Shawn doesn’t realize the belts have been switched until he physically pulls it out and looks at it, suggesting that either (1) Shawn is so naturally strong that he thinks the actual WWF Championship belt is weightless, or (2) Shawn’s on so many painkillers right now he doens’t know what ANYTHING is.
Austin taunts them with the belt from the ring, so Chyna (in her first speaking role, in Spanish) enlists the help of Los Boricuas to help her hunt down Austin and get it back. While this is happening, please do not think about how they’re just doing this to get Savio Vega into the No Way Out main event so Shawn doesn’t have to work.
Meanwhile, the New Age Outlaws show up in University of Kentucky shirts like true assholes and do another dumpster attack, this time a sarcastic one attempting to end the careers of Cactus Jack (pictured) and Chainsaw Charlie blowup dolls. They even have a camera inside the dumpster this time to illustrate the devastating effects of lying in a dumpster and having it tipped over on its side. It’s so deadly it doesn’t even hurt INFLATABLES!
After two hours of wandering assaults, D-X figures out the best way to get Steve Austin to bring the WWF Championship to the ring: stand in the ring and challenge him. You could’ve done that in the second segment of the show, guys. It’s a D-X Deluxe trap, of course, with the New Age Outlaws and Chyna and the ghost of Rick Rude standing by to surround Austin.
With at least a 4-on-1 attack imminent, Austin’s saved by (get THIS) Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie, who awkwardly chainsaw their way up from under the ring. Were … were you guys just lying under there the whole show? What would’ve happened if D-X hadn’t decided to end the show by standing in the ring?
Owen Hart joins in as backup as well, setting up the No Way Out “non-sanctioned” eight-man tag team main event featuring all of these people minus Shawn Michaels because reasons plus Savio Vega. We’ll try not to spend too much time on WWE’s forever loosey-goosey heel and face alignments that give you shit like Raw ending with Stone Cold and Owen Hart standing side-by-side, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend, or whatever.
Next Week:
It’s finally time for No Way Out of Texas, which sets up the first Raw on the Road to WrestleMania 14. The Austin Era is [checks] almost ready to begin! Mike Tyson presents Generation X verse Cold Stone, who you got?
