Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw is War: Goldust dressed up like his dad, the Legion of Doom got into a fussy breakup fight, Ahmed Johnson was written out off-screen, and Terry Funk tried to attack the New Age Outlaws’ rental car with an actual chainsaw.
If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.
Hey, you! If you want us to keep doing retro reports, share them around! And be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of these shows. Farrah Abraham, if you’re reading this, Cold Stone is on this episode, you should share it.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for March 2, 1998.
Best: Who Knew You Couldn’t Trust Mike Tyson?
A note before we begin: I’m 99% sure this is the Raw with the most people pointing at Mike Tyson’s dick per minute.
This week’s biggest development for the main event of WrestleMania 14 is that Shawn Michaels is extremely gullible. Before he showed up in the World Wrestling Federation, Mike Tyson’s favorite wrestler was, like Farrah Abraham’s, Cold Stone Steve Austin. At the Royal Rumble, Tyson’s like YEAH COLD STONE WON COLE STONE IS MY MAN. That win gave CSSA a shot at Shawn Michaels and the World Wrestling Federation Championship at WrestleMania, right? Suddenly Steve Austin and the guy who just happily clapped for Steve Austin like an especially stupid child on Christmas morning are in the ring kinda shoving each other, not really punching or anything, and Shawn Michaels is like, “this is completely on the level.” He throws in with Tyson and uses an elaborate, show-long ruse involving a Russian nesting doll of t-shirts to reveal that Tyson suddenly likes him, and not Steve Austin, and not once is Triple H like, “hey, you know how when Austin actually hates someone he charges at them and tries to kill them in real life unless they pull on a gun on him or whatever? Is it weird that he’s not doing that?” HBK’s just like, [dick point dick point dick point]
Sure, it’s easy to look back 20 years and say, “that was obvious,” but it’s pretty damn obvious. And it’s the good kind of obvious, where people who want to see Stone Cold Steve Austin and his irrationally violent pro sports counterpart team up to Star Uppercut the piss-Christ out of these cock-pointers so they tune in. It’s the main event of WrestleMania, man, and even in tumultuous-ass Monday Night Wars 1998, WWE’s love of putting over celebrities Greater Than WWE’s desire to tell a story with more than two plot points.
It’s the right call. Everything they did in this angle was the right call, because it was easy as hell to follow, and not, say, Macho Man and Hulk Hogan both being in the nWo but having to fight each other to prove who was the most nWo, using prop nets and spray-paint sneak attacks and like five months of making Sting look pathetic under a pile of bullshit crooked ref finishes. Totally random example I just made up.
“What’s Steve Austin up to,” you might be asking? He shows up to confront D-X at the top of the show, ends up in a match with Kane for some reason, then gets attacked by D-X before the main event so it never happens. He sees Triple H on the stage, gets distracted, and that’s enough for Shawn Michaels to sneak up behind him and sweetly apply music to his chin. Again; simple and effective stuff, even if it ends in a bait-and-switch and more presentation of nuts than wrestling.
As for what the Undertaker’s doing while Kane’s out here starting on the road that would eventually compel him to garble “suck it” into an electrolarynx, hold on to your flame-retardant butts.
Best: Through Stagefire And Brimstone
If you grew up loving the Undertaker in the ’90s, you know this promo. It’s maybe the most ridiculously metal and over-the-top his promos ever get, which is saying something. The one where he talks about abandoning Big Show in the desert to carry motorcycles and create snakeskin fashion accessories is more ridiculous, but more “gas station souvenir” than metal.
Anyway, this is the promo where Taker returns from being literally burned to death in a flaming coffin to accept a challenge to a match from Kane, the “one thing I promised never to do.” To explain to you how unapologetically melodramatic this promo is, Undertaker explains that he was away “soothing the souls of my parents,” and his opening line is, I shit you not, “welcome to hell, and the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation.” On the show were the other big storyline is, “jerk husband is mad that people think his wife is hot.”
Kane tries to attack using his wacky waving inflatable arm flailing columns of fire, but Undertaker calmly walks through the fire like so much Buffy the Vampire Slayer and turns up the Sabbath to 11:
“I will walk straight through the fires of hell to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation! You will understand why I am the reaper of wayward souls, and you will understand why I am the lord of darkness! May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul, and you will rest in peace!”
?
Worst: BOO THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS BOO, BOO
Here’s the Road Dogg and Unsatisfactory Ass Billy Gunn taking me back to a very special place and time by wearing airbrushed anti-Cleveland Indians Florida Marlins shirts in Cleveland in 1998. If you aren’t familiar with Cleveland sports history, that was the year Tony Fernandez threw the World Series. There’s something about 1998 Road Dogg in Cleveland wearing a bootleg Tribe shirt with the incorrect-on-a-number-of-levels “INDIANS SUX” that makes the top of my head explode and lava pour out. So yes, that’s “Worst” from a me perspective and “Best” for making me give it a Worst from my soul.
The Outlaws have a Tag Team Championship match against the Disciples of Apocalypse and try to Dumpster Attack them, but end up hoist by their own sanitary petard when Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie come bursting out with weapons. The highlight here is absolutely Terry Funk awkwardly fumbling his way out of a dumpster with Leggs on his head.
Do it for Charles Nagy, Terry!
Best: Jeff Jarrett Goes From NWA To WCW
While the rest of the NWA team is stuck in another “oh no, Jim Cornette tried to cheat but accidentally cost us the match” affair with the Headbangers over the NWA World Tag Team Championship, Jeff Jarrett is upgrading his decade of Jim Crockett Promotions by leaving them behind for WCW. He’s got a brand new manager: Tennesse Lee, whom you may recognize from the WCW vintage reports as Colonel Robert Parker. If not, go read about the time he tried to get married in Las Vegas at a Clash of the Champions.
Back in WCW, Jarrett could only win a match if Debra McMichael cheated to help him do it. Then he came to the WWF, and could only win a match if Jim Cornette cheated to help him do it. Now he’s evolving from those gimmicks by adding Tennessee Lee, who will cheat for him when he can’t win matches. For example, he almost loses to Flash Funk here — a Flash Funk who is on his way out, per some suspect hair growth and leaving most of his entrance gear in the back — until Lee crotches Funk on the top to set up a Figure-Four. Look on the bright side, Jeff; if this run doesn’t work out, you can always bring in Debra McMichael and have her cheat for you again.
[cough]
Worst: March Showers Bring Gennifer Flowers
We get teased with another big name celebrity guest joining Mike Tyson and Pete Rose at WrestleMania 14, and red hot spoiler alert, it’s Gennifer Flowers, the woman who claimed to have had a 12-year relationship with then-Governor Bill Clinton during the 1992 Presidential election campaign. To put this into perspective for modern fans, imagine if we got to WrestleMania 35 in 2019 and the three celebrity guests announced were Conor McGregor, Derek Jeter for some reason, and Stormy Daniels.
I typed that as a joke, and when I got to the end of it I was like, “no, that sounds exactly right.”
The upside is that Flowers’ contribution to the show ends up being one of the most accidentally important, as she cuts the ribbon for the official grand opening of The Rock.
Also Happening On This Episode
Back before Smackdown perfected the opening promo parade to set up a tag team match for later tonight, Raw had to use two weeks to set up tag team matches. So if you wanted to run Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman as mixed-martial arts pals against The Rock and Faarooq, you first had to do Steve Blackman vs. Kama Mustafa for like three minutes and have it end in a beatdown. Really the most notable ting here is The Rock’s first attempt at a t-shirt, which is pink letters on a black tee. That’s such a departure from every other shirt he’s ever had, which are white letters on a black tee.
This week we also get a little SEXUAL CHOCOLATE: ORIGINS by way of a European Championship match between the champion, Owen Hart, and the challenger, the World’s Greenest Man Mark Henry. This is easily the best Mark Henry match to date, and he actually almost wins the championship with a bear hug before Chyna can sneak in and uppercut him in the bikini zone to cause a disqualification. Not only is it fun to see Chyna out here actively trying to keep the championship on Owen so D-Generation X can emasculate him — Owen was always retaining championships by accident so other people could beat him, see also Stone Cold Steve Austin — but to see the first interaction between future creepy segment buddies Chyna and Mark Henry.
Finally we have the latest installment in the blood rivalry between Marc Mero and “Jabber” Tom Brandi, which ends like every other match between them ever: a low blow, and a TKO win — the move, not the ruling — for Mero. This is here to further the beef between the Mero family and the Runnels/Vachon collective, as Luna randomly shows up to help Mero “celebrate his win” and kiss him. This makes Goldust mad, even though Luna’s clearly only doing it because Goldust told her to go do it and make him mad, and Sable runs out to even the odds. To say the crowd wants to see Sable rip out everyone’s hearts is somehow an understatement, as she shoves Mero on his ass and sends him fleeing, because she’s got an OVR of 99 right now and will aggressively cat-slap anything that moves. In March of 1998 she could’ve slapped Mike Tyson in the face so hard it would’ve broken both of his legs.
Next Week:
Now that we’re back on a weekly schedule — shut up, yes we are — join us next week for Vince McMahon dipping his toes into the heel pool, Stone Cold promises to kick Triple H’s ass, and a bunch of matches end in disqualification. But WrestleMania 14 is almost here, and you want to be ready for that.
